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[music]
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Elizabeth Day: All of us fail in myriad ways almost
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every single day and yet, we live in an age where it
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is very difficult to be honest about failure, where
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it seems as if everyone else is nailing their life.
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Because we live an age of curated
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perfection of social media, of Instagram
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filters and it can feel quite lonely sometimes to be vulnerable.
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It is paradoxically when we are our most
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vulnerable and when we choose to be
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open and honest about that vulnerability
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that we become our strongest selves.
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Because not only do we learn more about who we are, but we're
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able to connect on a very human level with other people.
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In October 2017, a long-term relationship came to an end.
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It was brutal. It was out of the blue
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and it was three weeks before my 39th birthday.
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I face my 39th birthday was something akin to trepidation because I was
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in no way where I have thought I would be at that stage in my life.
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During my 30s, I had had a very busy time.
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I had got married and then divorced.
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I had tried and failed to have children.
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I had two unsuccessful rounds of IVF and a miscarriage at three months.
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When I look back at my 30s, I realized that they
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had been a decade of some professional success.
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I had written four novels.
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I was lucky enough to make my living as a journalist, but they had been
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a decade also of immense personal transition and personal sadness.
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At the back of this relationship ending, I took myself
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to LA, which is a very good place to go to lick your
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wounds because it's sunny and the time difference means
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that you don't get that many emails after 2 P.M.
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It was while I was in LA that I find myself listening to a lot of
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podcasts because, as anyone who has ever been heartbroken will
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know, when you're in that state of mind, every single pop song
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seems to have a peculiar, a specific resonance to your heartbreak.
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One of the podcasts I was listening to was
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Where Shall We Begin with Esther Perel.
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She is a fantastic relationship therapist and she basically opens up
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the door to her consulting room during the course of this podcast.
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You get a bird's eye view of relationships
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going wrong and then being put right.
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At the same time as I was listening to this
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podcast, I was having the most incredible
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conversations with my predominantly female friends
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about what it meant to have loved and lost
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and what we had learned from various heartbreak,
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and where we were professionally and what
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this meant, and what it meant not to have
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children when one had always thought one would.
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I began to look very differently at my
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failures and I began to see that each one had
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taught me something so valuable about who
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I was and what I wanted going forwards.
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Actually, each time I had ended a job
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or ended a relationship or a friendship
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had fallen by the wayside, it had been
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a lesson wrapped up in a mistake.
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It had been a nudge from the universe in a slightly different direction.
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I started to wonder how great it would be if we could open up those
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conversations into a more public forum
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and that was the genesis of How To Fail.
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For the first eight guests, I really corralled a lot of
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friends and contacts and got them to do it as a favor.
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I asked each guest before they appeared
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to come up with three failures.
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Three instances in their life where they felt
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that things haven't gone according to plan.
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They could range from the seemingly superficial, bad dates,
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failed driving tests, lost tennis matches to the more profound.
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It is a great honor now to listen to those people
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stories because the topics we've discussed
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include living with depression, homelessness,
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death by suicide, failed family relationships.
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It really has been the most beautiful journey of discovery.
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Those first eight episodes I put out into
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the world genuinely thinking that maybe half
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a dozen people might listen and two of
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those people would probably be my parents.
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I sold my wedding dress on eBay to fund the first few episodes.
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I drew my own logo with felt-tip pens, as you
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can probably tell if you've ever seen it.
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Anyway, How To Fail went out there in July 2018 and within
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three weeks, it was number three on the iTunes chart.
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It was, ironically, the most successful thing I have ever done.
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[laughter]
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Elizabeth: It's been a really incredible thing, this journey,
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because it's made me realize how much we were all thirsting to talk
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about failure and how alone so many people feel in their failures
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and how ashamed they feel of acknowledging them in public.
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It's really been wonderful opening up
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a space where people can be more honest.
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One of the most inspiring guests I've ever had on
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the podcast is a man called Johnny Benjamin, who
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is not a household name, but is a phenomenal mental health campaigner.
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When Johnny was 20, he was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder.
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Shortly afterwards, he found himself standing on
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the edge of Waterloo Bridge, about to take his own life.
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The pain had got so great that he could see no other way out.
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It was at that moment that a stranger walked past him
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and, noticing Johnny's distress, stopped to talk to him.
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It was this single act of compassion
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and connection that pulled Johnny back from the edge.
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Six years later, Johnny launched an internet
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campaign to try and find that stranger.
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319 million people responded and eventually
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Johnny was reunited with Neil Laybourn.
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The two of them are now best friends and they tour the country
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talking to corporations and schools about mental health.
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When Johnny was telling this story to me, it was extremely emotional.
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We were both in tears and it caused a wave of listener response.
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So many people got in touch to say that
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Johnny's bravery and courage in speaking about
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that had helped them feel it was worth continuing,
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had helped them feel it was less alone.
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Really, what I'd like to end on is that idea that
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however bleak it feels, however much you think you have
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failed, cling on that little bit longer because the real
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failure might be not finding out what happens next.
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[music]