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  • As a writer for The Infographics Show, a lot of my work is pretty research heavyfrom

  • finding out the properties of rare poisons, to the weapons favoured by soldiers in the

  • Turkish military.

  • So, when I got a new assignment from my Infographics Show overlords that saidPlay GTA V Online”,

  • I was elated.

  • As someone who's already a big fan of the hit franchise that essentially lets you roleplay

  • as a complete sociopath in a lovingly detailed cityscape, this felt like the perfect assignment

  • for me.

  • That's when I saw the fine print, and my heart dropped.

  • Play GTA V onlineas a normal person.”

  • That means no murder, no theft, no crazy missionsand honestly, no crimes more severe than

  • tearing the tag out of your new mattress.

  • Seems easy enough, right?

  • Wrong!

  • Anyone who's played GTA V online will tell you it's basically like The Purge, complete

  • with heavy weaponry and goofy costumes.

  • If you're not in a crewwhich, as a normal person, I couldn't beit's

  • basically a kill-or-be-killed, battle royale free-for-all.

  • Still, orders are orders, and I began my mundane GTA V Online journey in the simplest way I

  • could imagine: Getting myself a makeover.

  • In the beautiful city of Los Santos, appearance is everything, so it made sense to make my

  • first port of call getting myself a fashionable new outfit.

  • First order of business is Ponsonby's, GTA's resident up-market clothes store, for a tasteful

  • designer shirt and slacks combothe uniform of middle-class white dads everywhere.

  • As I select my clothes, I notice other players speeding by outside in what look like neon-coloured

  • Ferraris, exchanging gunfire.

  • Normally, I'd run out, guns blazing, and join in.

  • But no, thanks to my Infographics bosses, I'm playing the goody two shoes version

  • of this game.

  • I'm not even carrying any loaded weapons on my person, just for extra realism.

  • Thankfully, the two yahoos outside are too busy blasting each other to notice me.

  • With my threads looking fine, I decide all I need now to make that perfect Los Santos

  • first impression is a killer haircut.

  • And I don't just go anywhere for this haircut – I go to the high-end Bob Mulét salon

  • up in Rockford Hills, the best place for a fancy-schmancy new do.

  • When I have a style that I think best suits my charming personality, I'm finally ready

  • to venture out and take on the world.

  • But as soon as I step out onto the streets of Rockford Hills, I'm greeted by a man

  • in his underwear, wearing a rubber monkey mask.

  • His gamer tag reads “N00BSLAYER3000”.

  • And, of course, he's carrying a claw hammer.

  • Normally I'd pull out my own weapon and engage, but not this time, chief.

  • I turn and prepare to start button mashing, hoping I'd at least be able to lose the

  • monkey man, but no such luck.

  • Before I even really got a chance to start running, Monkey Man was on my rear.

  • Before I could even engage my headset to tell him I was a writer for The Infographics Show

  • researching for a video, he'd already brained me with the hammer.

  • The familiarWASTEDsign flashed up on the screen, and I knew I was in for a rough

  • session.

  • Still, in the world of GTA V, it takes more than death to keep a good writer down.

  • As soon as I respawned, I made a mental note to personally track down Noob Slayer next

  • time I was playing this for real, and continued with my research.

  • As the name suggests, driving is a huge part of the game.

  • But, seeing as I can't steal a car like any other player would, I invest in a modest

  • Schafter Sedan.

  • It definitely isn't the fastest car in the game, but it handles well, and without a criminal

  • empire behind me, I can't exactly afford to blow a million on a new ride.

  • Of course, as I drive around scenic Los Santos, I obey all the traffic laws of the land.

  • Never once do I speed, or merge illegally, or even run a red light.

  • It seems that things are actually going well for once, as there's an almost comforting

  • rhythm to colouring in the lines when it comes to cruising around town.

  • I'm at a stop light in Downtown LS, watching the pedestrians cross in front of me, when

  • I suddenly hear a heavy rumbling coming from behind.

  • Thiscan't be good.

  • Just was I was swivelling my camera to see what all the commotion was about; I saw a

  • tank approaching behind me.

  • This time, driven byFoYoMama69X420.”

  • Great.

  • Wonderful.

  • Even if I was playing offensively, a tank would be a challenge, but playing as a normal

  • person, I was basically a sitting duck.

  • If only those traffic lights could go green in the nick of time, I might be able to stage

  • a cunning, last-minute escape, but no luck.

  • I let out a sigh and rubbed my eyes as FoYoMama's tank fired an explosive round that blew myself

  • and several of the cars and pedestrians around me to kingdom come.

  • Yep, you guessed it: WASTED.

  • Once I'd revived and collected the insurance pay out from my devastated personal vehicle,

  • I decided that I needed some time away from the violence-filled urban sprawl where I'd

  • just been blown to smithereens.

  • Instead, I wanted to take a relaxing drive up into the slopes of Mount Chiliadthe

  • tallest mountain in Los Santos.

  • Hopefully there'd be a lower population density, and fewer fellow players who'd

  • be eager to bust a cap or two into my behind.

  • Scenic natural environments and not being murdered in cold blood?

  • That's a win-win situation in my book, buddy.

  • It was creeping into dusk as I drove up the winding roads of Mount Chiliad in my newly

  • unexploded Schafter Sedan.

  • The sky was beautiful, the world around me was quiet and serene.

  • It was just me, my car, and the mountain.

  • Which is why, when I heard the sudden roar of jet engines up above me, I knew something

  • was horribly wrong.

  • Suddenly, I was skidding from side to side as the ground around me was lit up by a volley

  • of intense machine gun fire.

  • All in all, my evasive manoeuvres served me pretty well, as my hardy sedan only took some

  • minor shots from the P-996 LAZER fighter jet that was chasing me down.

  • I was naively hopeful enough that I thought I might even survive this tense encounter,

  • when the flying turdwhose gamer tag, by the way, wasSwag Killer” – let

  • off an air-to-surface missile.

  • The resulting explosion lit up the mountain, and what was left of me could probably be

  • scraped off the mountain road with a toothbrush.

  • Once again: WASTED.

  • All for trying to take a nice drive through nature.

  • Getting constantly murdered for just trying to live a normal life was really starting

  • to run up my medical bills, and because we can't even escape capitalism in video games,

  • I needed at least something that resembled a real-life job.

  • Problem was, outside of playing the real estate mogulwhich I really didn't have the

  • money forall the standard money-making methods in GTA V Online are criminal in nature.

  • But, I'm not a writer at The Infographics Show for nothingNot having a vanilla

  • job just opened up an opportunity to get creative.

  • And by creative, I mean I started offering a taxi service.

  • Is this an official feature of GTA V online?

  • No.

  • But a number of players had taken up the habit of using a local garage to mod their car yellow,

  • and add a taxi service insignia.

  • With that, I began pulling up alongside fellow players in the game, honking my horn, and

  • offering them a ride.

  • They would then either hop on mic, or send me a text message, telling me exactly where

  • they wanted to go.

  • It was honest, normal work for an honest, normal GTA V player.

  • Well, it wasuntil two players dressed as clowns decided to take a ride in the back

  • of my makeshift cab.

  • In my heart, part of me knew this was going to end badly, but my average joe character

  • probably wouldn't.

  • That's why I obliged them in their request to be driven out to Sandy Shores in the dead

  • of night, where they were headed for unknown reasons.

  • A ride's a ride, so I took them there, and aside from a few moments where they leaned

  • out the windows and blasted a few pedestrians with Micro-SMGs, it was a pretty chill journey.

  • Until, of course, we reached our destination.

  • At that point, the two clowns exited the vehicle.

  • Rather than thanking me, one of them pulled me out of the driver's seat and punched

  • me in the face with brass knuckles.

  • Before I could even turn on my headset to give the duo a few choice words that I can't

  • repeat here if we want to keep the monetisation on this video, it was already over.

  • The other clown had thrown down a Molotov cocktail and set me ablaze.

  • They then detonated my humble taxi with a grenade as I burned to death in the sand.

  • WASTED.

  • And that was my last day in the taxi business, too.

  • This may have beenGrand Theft Auto”, but I wasn't feeling too grand, theft was

  • prohibited, and I was getting really sick of automobiles.

  • That's why I ditched the car entirely, and decided to instead partake in some wholesome,

  • normal, physical activities.

  • The coastal city of Los Santos has the gorgeous Vespucci Beach, where you could exercise,

  • sunbathe, or even go for a swim.

  • I decided to do just that, and explore the wonderful detail of the underwater environments

  • just off the coast.

  • There were jet skis zipping around up above the water, but they weren't paying me any

  • mind.

  • Until one stopped, and the driver jumped down into the water.

  • I figuredMaybe they just wanted to explore too”, until they started making a beeline

  • towards me, swimming straight down to my location, holding a knife.

  • I was already running a little short on air, so I had nowhere to go but upstraight

  • into the path of their slashing blade, turning me into Los Santos Sushi.

  • I was WASTED before I even hit the surface.

  • So, the sea proved to be a hazardous no-go-zone.

  • I decided instead to revisit my old enemy: Mount Chiliad, hoping to hike up to its highest

  • peak and take a selfie to commemorate the moment.

  • And it was indeed a challenging hike, making my way up the mountain's treacherous slopes,

  • constantly paranoid that another player would sneak up and slaughter me again.

  • But thankfully, nobody was even nearby on the map when I reached the peak.

  • It was a glorious sense of victory for my little GTA V Online Normal Guy, and the victory

  • selfie would be even sweeter.

  • So, I turned on the camera and framed up the shot with a nice big smile.

  • Problem was, I wasn't the only person framing up a shot.

  • Far away down the mountain, too far for me to even really register them as a threat,

  • another player was locking my head in the sights of their heavy sniper rifle.

  • Right as I was about to take my shot, they took theirs, and my head was practically blown

  • off my shoulders before I even had a chance to take a picture.

  • WASTED.

  • After getting wasted again and again and again, I decided it was time to getwell, wasted.

  • Seeing as I'd died more times than Sean Bean, I felt like this Normal Guy had earned

  • himself a drink.

  • I sauntered on down to the nearest GTA Online strip club to admire some of the local sights,

  • and most importantly, get hammered with shot after shot after shot.

  • By the time I felt like my character had had enough, he was stumbling out of the bar, the

  • world all blurry around him, camera shaking.

  • I hadn't even had a drop in real life, and I was starting to feel light-headed just looking

  • at him.

  • That's when I saw a floating shape in the distance.

  • For a second, I thought I must've been seeing things, or going crazy, as what appeared to

  • be a flying DeLorean car was speeding towards me through the shaking sky.

  • Had I accidentally wandered into Back To The Future?

  • No, as it turns out, this was just another playeronce again, the dreaded N00BSLAYER3000

  • driving a Deluxo flying car straight towards me.

  • I was a little too drunk to even attempt running away, so when one of the car's advanced

  • homing missiles swooped in and blew me straight to hell, it honestly felt almost merciful.

  • WASTED.

  • So, that concluded my journey into trying to live a normal life on GTA V Online.

  • What have we learned from our little adventure?

  • Well, in this irritated Infographics Show writer's humble opinion, GTA Online is a

  • hell of a lot more fun when you can shoot back.

  • Check outWhat if You Woke Up As An NPC in GTA 5 Onlinefor more wacky adventures

  • in Los Santos, andWhy The Most Expensive Video Game Ever Will Never Be Released

  • for more insane video game facts!

As a writer for The Infographics Show, a lot of my work is pretty research heavyfrom

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B1 gta santos wasted online los normal

I Tried To Live A Normal Life in GTA 5 Online And This is What Happened

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    Summer posted on 2020/09/12
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