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  • When I read this passage before,

  • I merely said that everything God says here is a fact,

  • but I never truly understood it.

  • I thought that since I'd believed in God for years, given up my job and family,

  • expended myself, suffering for my duty,

  • when trials came, I wouldn't blame God or betray Him.

  • But when I went through a trial of sickness,

  • I misunderstood and blamed God.

  • My motivation to be blessed and to make deals with God

  • was exposed to the light of day.

  • Only then was I convinced God's words can expose people

  • and my views on pursuing my faith underwent a change.

  • One day in July 2018,

  • I found a small, hard lump on my left breast.

  • I didn't think much of it

  • and figured some anti-inflammatories would sort it out.

  • But over the next two months, it just got worse and worse.

  • I had night sweats and no energy,

  • and the area around the lump was really hurting.

  • I began to wonder whether there was really something wrong,

  • but I consoled myself again that it was no big deal.

  • I had faith in God and was busy every day in the church doing my duty.

  • I figured God would protect me.

  • Then one night, I was woken by a sharp pain.

  • Yellow fluid was leaking from my breast, and I knew something was wrong.

  • My husband rushed me to the hospital to get it checked.

  • The results came back: They told me I had breast cancer.

  • My heart skipped a beat when I heard the doctor say that.

  • I thought. "Breast cancer?

  • I'm barely 30 years old! How can this be?"

  • I just kept telling myself,

  • "No way. This could never happen to me.

  • I'm a believer, and I've been doing my duty in the church for years.

  • God will look after me and protect me.

  • The doctor must have gotten it wrong."

  • I just kept hoping it wasn't true.

  • I don't even remember how I got home from the hospital.

  • My husband saw this dazed look on my face and he tried to comfort me,

  • "This is a small hospital and the doctors aren't that skilled.

  • They could be wrong.

  • Let's get you checked again at a big hospital."

  • I felt a little glimmer of hope when he suggested that to me.

  • Unfortunately, the doctor at the big hospital confirmed it:

  • It really was breast cancer.

  • She also said that it was mid-to late-stage,

  • and that I had to be admitted for chemo and surgery,

  • otherwise it could be terminal.

  • I felt my mind just go totally blank

  • and I felt my heart drop.

  • And then I thought, "How much is all this going to cost?

  • What if I die halfway through chemo?

  • How will my family cope with all that debt?

  • They don't have money for these things."

  • I was in despair and I felt utterly helpless.

  • After my first round of chemo,

  • my whole body was wracked with pain.

  • I didn't wanna do anything and I was always groggy.

  • It was only after the drugs finally wore off a few days later that I began to recover.

  • I'd believed in God for years, I'd made sacrifices and expended myself.

  • I always did my duty through thick and thin,

  • I never missed a gathering.

  • I always helped my brothers and sisters with all of their problems.

  • I had worked so hard and for what?

  • Why wasn't God protecting me?

  • And now, I couldn't do any duty.

  • I was practically at death's door.

  • Did God want to eliminate me?

  • I had five more rounds of chemo and then an operation.

  • How on earth was I going to cope?

  • Apart from all the pain and suffering, if I died,

  • would that mean all my years of faith had been a waste of time?

  • That thought actually brought me to tears.

  • I really was tormented during that time.

  • I read God's words but they didn't sink in, and I stopped praying.

  • My spirit was so dark and I was getting further and further from God.

  • One day, Sister Li from the church came to see me

  • and kindly asked me about my condition.

  • Seeing me in such pain and feeling so down, she gave me fellowship.

  • She said, "God permits illness to befall us and it is a kind of trial.

  • We only have to pray and seek more

  • and God will surely lead us to understand His will …"

  • Hearing her say the word "trial" stirred my heart.

  • Maybe God didn't want to eliminate me

  • but just wanted me to undergo this trial!

  • After Sister Li left, I went before God to pray and I said:

  • "Dear God,

  • I've been living in pain ever since I got sick, misunderstanding and blaming You.

  • Today, my sister helped remind me that this is just Your trial for me,

  • and yet, I still don't know how to get through this situation.

  • Please guide me so that I may know Your will."

  • Amen!

  • After that, I went before God and prayed to Him the same way every day.

  • And one day, I read these words of God:

  • As I pondered God's words, I finally began to understand His will.

  • God works in the last days to perfect people

  • by exposing our corrupt dispositions through all kinds of situations,

  • and by using the judgment and revelations of His words

  • to make us understand our satanic dispositions.

  • We must seek and practice the truth,

  • so our corrupt dispositions are cleansed and changed.

  • I understood that God had allowed me to get sick

  • and it wasn't to eliminate me or to try to hurt me on purpose,

  • but to cleanse and to change me.

  • Yes.

  • I couldn't misunderstand God or wallow in self-pity anymore.

  • I had to submit,

  • to seek the truth in my sickness and reflect on and know myself.

  • Amen!

  • Once I'd understood God's will,

  • I no longer felt so dejected or in such pain.

  • I said a prayer of submission to God,

  • and once I'd finished, some of God's words came to mind:

  • I looked it up in my book of God's words and I found this passage:

  • God's words precisely exposed my desire to be blessed in my faith.

  • I thought back over my years of faith,

  • at home when all was well, I was healthy, and everything was good,

  • I'd engaged in my duty and I seemed to have endless energy.

  • But once I got cancer,

  • I became negative and I misunderstood and blamed God for not protecting me.

  • I capitalized on the work I'd done and argued with God.

  • I even regretted all my years of sacrifice.

  • I lived in a state of shunning and betraying God.

  • When I was refined and exposed by illness,

  • I saw that I hadn't been doing my duty and making sacrifices

  • to pursue the truth or do the duty of a created being,

  • I'd only done things to get peace and blessings.

  • I'd been making deals with God

  • to be blessed in return for the sacrifices that I had made.

  • I wanted everything in this life and eternal life in the next.

  • But now I had cancer,

  • I was going to die and I wouldn't be blessed,

  • I blamed God for being unjust

  • I had no humanity at all.

  • I thought over my years of faith

  • with so much grace and so many blessings from God.

  • I had been watered and sustained so often by the truth.

  • God had given me so much, but I never thought of repaying His love.

  • And when I got sick, I didn't submit to God at all.

  • I just misunderstood and blamed Him.

  • I was totally without conscience or sense!

  • Yeah.

  • I finally understood that God had allowed me to get sick

  • to expose and cleanse my motivation to be blessed in my faith

  • and my wrong views on pursuit,

  • so I'd focus on pursuing the truth and seek a change in my disposition.

  • That's right.

  • I felt such deep regret and reproached myself after I understood God's good intentions.

  • I silently made this resolution:

  • "Whether I get better or not,

  • I won't make any more senseless demands of God.

  • I just want to put my life and death in God's hands and submit to His arrangements."

  • Amen!

  • I felt so much calmer after resolving that.

  • I wasn't as anxious and distressed anymore,

  • and I could quiet myself to read God's words, to pray and seek with God.

  • Thanks be to God!

  • Once I'd submitted,

  • going back to have chemo wasn't as painful as it had been before.

  • Though I still felt a bit nauseous, everything was much easier.

  • The other patients were surprised and envious.

  • I knew in my heart that this was entirely God's mercy and protection.

  • I felt so grateful.

  • Yes.

  • After several rounds of chemo,

  • the egg-sized tumor had gotten significantly smaller.

  • It didn't hurt as much and there wasn't any oozing.

  • The doctor said my recovery was going well,

  • and that if things carried on like that

  • then after six rounds of chemo, I may not need an operation.

  • I was so happy to hear that wonderful news,

  • I kept thanking God.

  • My faith in God grew and grew

  • and I thought that if I reflected and really tried to know myself,

  • then perhaps I could get better without an operation.

  • One day in March, I had my last chemo.

  • I was both nervous and also hopeful.

  • And when it was over, the doctor said I still needed to have the operation,

  • and then two more rounds of chemo, and then some radiotherapy.

  • My heart, it just dropped into my stomach and my mind was buzzing.

  • I thought, "How could this be?

  • I've reflected like I should and understood what I should.

  • Why haven't I gotten better?

  • It's a major operation, and besides the scarring,

  • the chemo and radiotherapy that I'll need will be so painful,

  • and there's still a chance that I could die …"

  • I felt more and more unhappy and my whole body went limp.

  • I began to cry at the injustice of it all.

  • The night after my operation,

  • once the anesthetic had worn off,

  • the pain from the incision was so bad I cried,

  • I couldn't even take a deep breath.

  • I just felt so helpless and wronged,

  • and I began to blame God again.

  • It was too much for mewhen would the pain finally end?

  • And then, as I was suffering, I read these words of God:

  • Every one of God's words entered my heart and I felt very moved,

  • and right then I knew

  • that God's will in refining me this way was to get me to develop true self-knowledge,

  • so I could seek the truth and cleanse myself of my corrupt dispositions.

  • Before, although I realized I shouldn't pursue blessings in my faith,

  • I hadn't fully let go of my motivation to be blessed.

  • I was still harboring extravagant demands of God in my heart.

  • I thought as I reflected on myself and came to know myself,

  • then God would take my sickness away.

  • My self-reflection and self-knowledge were actually tainted with personal motives,

  • they were just covers for my desire to make a deal with God.

  • I hadn't truly repented at all!

  • Yeah.

  • God had scrutinized my thoughts and used my sickness to expose me,

  • to make me reflect on myself further and truly repent.

  • This was God's love for me.

  • Afterward, I prayed to God, saying,

  • "Dear God, now I understand Your will.

  • I wish to forgo all personal choices and requests

  • and seek the truth in the situation you've arranged.

  • Please guide me."

  • Amen!

  • A few days later, I read this in God's words:

  • I felt so ashamed when I read this.

  • God's words revealed my true state exactly.

  • I'd believed in God for so many years

  • and had always wanted to be blessed, always making deals with God.

  • I felt that since I believed in God

  • and had always done my duty and expended myself in the church,

  • God should look after me and protect me, and keep me from all sickness and harm.

  • I thought this was only right and proper.

  • When I found out I had cancer,

  • I immediately started to complain to God

  • and wanted to capitalize on my years of suffering and sacrifice to argue with Him.

  • When I began to get better, I said "Thank You God" with my mouth,

  • but in my heart, I wanted even more.

  • I wanted God to take my sickness away entirely

  • so I wouldn't have to suffer anymore.

  • When my extravagant desire wasn't satisfied,

  • my devilish nature returned,

  • so again, I blamed God and tried to argue with Him.

  • My behavior was exactly as God reveals in His words:

  • I was just so crushed.

  • Though I'd believed in God for years,

  • I wasn't worshiping or submitting to Him like I should.

  • Instead, I was treating Him like a powerful doctor, like a refuge.

  • I was using God to achieve my own ends