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  • how did you?

  • Because you seem to really look in and find out these pieces that are really in conflict with each other, but to us would just look like normal marriage.

  • So this is a good example of where I was confronted with a set of assumptions, and at one point I began to think maybe dessert.

  • In fact, exactly that assumptions.

  • They're not truths and facts such as that when we love, we desire that greater intimacy begets sexuality.

  • Always it's the always that matters that, um, security and adventure in a relationship.

  • They go hand in hand that if you have sexual problems, it is the consequence of relationship problems.

  • Hence, if you fix the relationship, the sex will follow.

  • And I am still very much practicing psychotherapist working with couples and Coach and I saw many couples improved a great deal in every area of their relationship, but it didn't necessarily change what was going on in the bedroom.

  • So I began to think maybe it's not so simple to talk about people who don't like each other and lose their sexual and erotic connection.

  • It's kind of obvious what's too right.

  • But I was interested in is all these people who come to see me, and they say we love each other very much and we have no sex.

  • I know he loves me very much.

  • She loves me very much, and it's been years since I felt wanted and they know the difference.

  • And I began to think love and desire.

  • They relate, and maybe they also conflict.

  • Let me go explore that.

  • Why is it that people who continue to love each other as much as ever will also sometimes lose the very erratic connection that brought them into being?

  • Why is it that good intimacy does not always guarantee good sex?

  • In fact, quite the opposite.

  • There seems to be, ah, puzzling inverse correlation where greater intimacy sometimes leads to decrease desire, because what nurtures love isn't necessarily what fuels desire and may even be paradoxical.

  • And can we love what we already have?

  • Because in the romantic ideal it's all about, I have my partner and I am the one and I am the chosen one.

  • And so what does it mean when your partner is actually only on loan with an option to renew and doesn't belong to you and What would it be like if we actually say no?

  • I don't have what I already want.

  • Actually, we never have it.

  • Hence, if we can live with that, we probably will want it more.

  • That's the idea of this notion.

  • It's an illusion to think that we have.

  • And then to complain of boredom.

  • No, you don't have.

  • In fact, you partner can leave any moment from death from illness, from falling in love somewhere else from any other reason.

  • And if you live with that, which is a certain anxiety that we don't wanna have these days because we have enough unknown and enough anxiety in our business lives and everywhere else.

  • So our partners should just become a piece of furniture on which we can reliably sit, and it will always receive us in the same way.

  • Not true.

  • And so then how do you continue desire, then, when you have, uh, when you have a long term relationship?

  • But I think one element is this.

  • Once you understand that this partner that's next to you, which you think you know so well like the inside of your pocket, for which you sometimes think you can answer their questions and all of that, if you actually are able to accept otherness right next to you if you know that the persistent mystery of your partner is right there, if you know that they're not for granted that they actually could leave at any moment.

  • You make an effort, you make a different effort.

  • You make the effort that you make with your clients.

  • You make an effort that you make with all your business partners because they wouldn't take this stuff and because you never take those for granted.

  • It's a very interesting thing.

  • They have often say to the people.

  • I will be Treat you partner the way you treat your client with the same charm, the same seductiveness, the same humor, the same kindness, the same.

  • And you will have a great marriage.

  • But you no longer do that.

  • It's as if you do it when you're not sure that you have the client yet, and since a client can always leave you if they get better service somewhere else, then you continue to be on your best behavior.

  • But many of us are on our best behavior at work, and we bring the leftovers home.

  • You made a great point touch where you said, when you're having, when you're looking at your partner very close, it's hard to get that.

  • You know that desire, but when you're doing it kind of in an arm's length when you're watching them, do something well or watching them interact with others, you can kind of rekindle the mystery about them.

  • Did I to watch the rest of this fascinating interview click on the link below and go to London Real academy dot com.

  • There you consign him with your social media log in and watch the rest of the episode for free, along with all of our episodes on London riel, my webinars and all of our premium content, all located over at London Real academy dot com.

how did you?

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A2 partner desire client intimacy relationship effort

"TREAT YOUR PARTNER THE WAY YOU TREAT YOUR CLIENT": Esther Perel On How To Have A Great Marriage

  • 9 1
    林宜悉 posted on 2020/08/24
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