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  • Do you know when brown kids get slapped? Every brown birthday party.

  • And usually it's the kid whose birthday it is,

  • and we stand there and point and laugh.

  • We go, "Ah, Biju got slapped on his birthday!"

  • And that's what makes us tough and resilient.

  • It's why we become cardiologists and win spelling bees.

  • Slapping is important. It elevates your game.

  • You ever seen an Indian kid win a spelling bee?

  • Incredible!

  • Ice water in the veins.

  • [laughter]

  • That kid won't choke on camera. He's been slapped on camera.

  • -Of course he can spell "knaidel". -Knaidel.

  • Look at that face. Nothing. Nothing!

  • He's 12 years old. Nothing!

  • This kid just won $30,000 cash. Nothing.

  • People ask, "Where does that come from?" Look at this kid's parents.

  • Your son just won the Scripps National Spelling Bee.

  • Look at his brother. His brother is like, "I'm fucked. I'm fucked.

  • The bar is way too high. I should kill myself."

  • People say, "Where's Bobby Jindal from?"

  • That's where he comes from. That is an Indian sociopath.

  • [raucous laughter]

  • I know what happens when I talk about this.

  • People say, "Your parents don't love you."

  • I think our parents love us. We have great fathers.

  • I just think our fathers didn't download all the great dad software.

  • There are just a few apps missing.

  • Birthdays aren't their thing.

  • Every immigrant father feels like if they brought you to the US...

  • Happy Birthday.

  • Starbucks, Wi-Fi, freeways, happy birthday.

  • No more birthdays. Go be president.

  • At an interview, this lady said, "Describe your earliest birthday memory."

  • I was like, "Do I have to?"

  • So I'm six, I'm turning seven.

  • My dad wakes me up super early in the morning.

  • "Hasan, get up!

  • Get in the Camry."

  • The immigrant car of choice.

  • We get in the Camry, we're driving from Davis to Sacramento.

  • There's one mall in the entire area. Arden.

  • We get to this intersection,

  • and I look to my left,

  • and it's the one place every kid dreams about.

  • Toys 'R' Us.

  • I was like, "Oh, shit!

  • Dad saw the Toys 'R' Us catalog on my wall.

  • He saw my vision board.

  • He saw the blue BMX bike I wanted. He's here to surprise me.

  • Turn left. Turn left.

  • Turn... left."

  • Then he turns right,

  • and I'm like, "Home Depot?

  • No!"

  • I'm like, "Why are we here? Do you know what day it is?"

  • "It's Saturday."

  • "No, it's my birthday. Did you forget?"

  • He's like, "Hasan, how could I forget that it's your birthday?

  • That's why I brought you here.

  • So you could pick the door handle for the bathroom."

  • [laughter]

  • And I was like, "Why don't you have me pick out the toilet?

  • You are shitting on my dreams."

  • I didn't say that. I would have gotten a slap. I wanted to say that.

  • That's when I realized

Do you know when brown kids get slapped? Every brown birthday party.

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    Mahiro Kitauchi posted on 2020/08/24
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