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  • The oldest joke in the world.

  • This is true. This is-- [chuckles]

  • Sure it's true. Why the fuck not? You know...

  • Everything's true now.

  • "Fake news!" "Fuck you it's true." All right...

  • Everything's fuckin' true. But this is true.

  • It is.

  • What happened is my friend Carawho is an Egyptologist,

  • she calls me up from Egypt and says,  "We found this joke."

  • I was like, "That's great. Tell me the joke."

  • So she tells me the joke, but I don't speak Ancient Egyptian.

  • It was like, "Owl, owl, guy  with a dog's head." And I'm like...

  • It's not that funny.

  • [audience laughing]

  • Wow, I had no idea so many  Ancient Egyptians were here this evening.

  • You guys are like, "Oh! [chuckles]

  • Yeah, yeah.

  • Ha-ha! Nice one!

  • Ha-ha! Good!

  • Finally, a joke for us.

  • Two! Two jokes for us."

  • [chuckles]

  • So she tells me the English translation of the joke, and I'm like, "That's weird.

  • I know that joke."

  • The joke was told to me

  • by Drew Carey,

  • one of my oldest friends.

  • I'm like, "I thought Drew was from Cleveland."

  • [audience laughs]

  • I've known him for 20 fucking years.

  • He's got a house there and everything.

  • So I called up Drew, and I said, "Hey man, you know that--

  • That joke you told me?" And I tell him the joke.

  • I said, "That's the oldest joke  in the world."

  • And he turned into a bat flew away.

  • [audience laughing]

  • [chuckles]

  • It's getting more and more stupidisn't it? All right, no, this is true.

  • What happened is, I called him up,

  • I said, "You know that joke you told me?" And I tell him the joke.

  • I said, "That's the oldest joke  in the world,"

  • and he said, "That is weird." And I said, "Yeah!"

  • He said, "No, what's weird about it is I didn't tell you that joke."

  • I went, "What?"

  • I said, "No, you told me that joke."

  • And I was like, "Shut up, Drew Carey!"

  • And he was like, "You shut up, Craig Ferguson!"

  • I was like, "No I won't!" He was like, "No, I won't!"

  • Then we started to kind of tickle fight, then we were kissing. We were kissing.

  • It was a really strange phone call.

  • [audience laughs]

  • All right. I got sidetracked.

  • Here's the joke.

  • This is the joke.

  • The way I heard the joke, it wasn't-- It wasn't set in Ancient Egypt,

  • but in every respect, it's exactly the same joke.

  • It's about two hunters, but the way I heard about it,

  • it was, you know, it was set  in a gentleman's club in Victorian times.

  • It was very different  to a gentlemen's club now.

  • You know, a gentleman's club now is like, "Hey! Give me a dollar,

  • I'll give you chlamydia," but back then...

  • [audience laughing]

  • Sorry, I was just doing my job.

  • You pay extra for those seats. Um...

  • So here's the joke. Anyway, the joke is this:

  • It's two hunters: An old hunter and a young hunter,

  • and they're going through the trophy room of this club, you know,

  • and the old hunter is showing off. He's looking at the heads on the wall,

  • and he said, "This here...

  • This a lion that I shot in Africa.

  • I used to be a dentist in the Midwest."

  • You remember that? Remember that?

  • Do you remember that was the thing that everybody in the world was mad at?

  • Simpler times, huh?

  • "This a lion that I shot in Africa. It's a very frightening story.

  • I was just walking through the jungle, and the lion lept out at me.

  • Came towards me, I was like, 'Oh!' And he's coming towards me,

  • Sharp-sharp clawsbitey-bitey mouth, scary eyes,

  • I was like... [pants] and he comes very close,

  • I take out my gun, shot him right between the eyes."

  • The young hunter says, "Good, sir. Good. Well done."

  • He was like, "Yes, yes. And this...

  • This is a very similar story. This is a tiger.

  • I was walking through the Jungle in India,

  • this tiger jumped out at me, stripey face, scratchy claws, bitey mouth.

  • Coming towards me, he's gonna bite me!

  • I take out my gun, and I shot him right between the eyes."

  • The young hunter says, "Very good, sir."

  • He goes, "Yeah, and here, the scariest story of all:

  • The rhinoceros. I was walking across the Serengeti,

  • and I heard, 'Thumpity-thump thump. Thump, thump, thump.

  • Thump thump thump,' coming towards me,

  • I turn around, it's the rhinoceros!

  • He's coming towards mebig stompy feet and a big spiky.

  • He's coming towards me, stompy, spiky, he's gonna kill me!

  • I take out my gun, and I'm like, 'Oh!' I drop my gun, and...

  • [screams]

  • ...and I shit myself."

  • [audience laughs]

  • The young hunter says, "I would have too. That sounds terrifying."

  • He went, "No, not thenRight now, when I said, 'Ah!'"

  • To be fair, I did not say it was the best joke in the world.

  • Jokes have improved immensely since then.

  • But it is, in fact, the oldest joke  in the world, and so, with that...

  • we are done.

  • [audience groans]

  • That sounded a little bit like relief.

  • [audience laughing]

  • You got your one joke...

  • and that's all you're going to get.

  • Unless you get  the special Netflix subscription,

  • which gives you an extra joke.

  • [audience laughing]

The oldest joke in the world.

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Craig Ferguson Tells The Oldest Joke In The World | Netflix Is A Joke

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    Mahiro Kitauchi posted on 2020/08/24
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