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So here's my new tattoo
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I started this back in November
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And I did roughly two to three sessions per month because my tattoo artist is pretty popular and busy
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And end of March I was finally able to finish it so now I could share the meaning of it with you
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It's not so much a collection of different pieces as
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Much as it's a story that I want to keep with me and never forget. Now just before warn before
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Continuing with this movie. This is not going to be a super-fun video
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I'm going to be dipping into some of the darker parts of my past so if you're not in a great place right now
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I wouldn't recommend watching it
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There is a happy ending to it in the end, but the journey there was a little bit painful, so just be forewarned
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Here we go. So let's start with my first tattoo that I got when I was 18 it's on this arm right here
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It's of space and it's suns and moons and planets
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And meteors and life and color and vibrancy. And I find that a lot of the space tattoos that I've seen on other people are
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very bright and optimistic. You see space as teeming with
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opportunity and full of life and wonder and awe.
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But space isn't really like that. Space is
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mostly space.
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It's empty, and boundless, and bare and inhospitable and
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really dark and cold and shitty. And that's where this tattoo starts.
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I went through a really rough period of my life in university it was really rough.
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I was once very hopeful. I was inspired
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I was teeming with optimism at what the world and what the universe had out there for me.
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But I couldn't find anything. I couldn't find a purpose I was
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profoundly
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and
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disturbingly
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alone and introverted.
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I didn't have a single friend or
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anybody I could really talk to about anything. But I I saw it all around me
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I saw people talking to each other going out with each other. Groups of people.
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But I wasn't part of any of that and I was
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abysmally depressed and I could look out there, and I could see glimmers of hope and possibility
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but all of its was out of my reach and what I was left with was bleak.
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I didn't have anyone I could talk to so I would spend my midnights, almost every midnight,
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just talking to the sky and
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memorizing poetry. I would memorize Shelley and Wordsworth and Milton and
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Shakespeare. And I would try to find words I could better understand myself or the the human spirit or
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understand something that could make me feel better about why I'm
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here, and why I'm so alone.
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But I
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couldn't really find any answers. And on my talks with the sky,
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I would just look at the stars, and I would feel so much more alone and so much more empty. And
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that's where this tattoo
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begins. I
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Remember the very last talk I had with the sky, and I remember telling it that were through.
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However this universe was made I
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didn't find a purpose in it. I didn't find any joy in it.
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I only found myself being very unhappy in it. So I
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decided that I wanted out and I made up my mind that night
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to make a decision that can't be unmade.
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Told you this was going to be a shitty video. So that night that I had my last conversation with the sky
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was a very big change in my life because
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I'm not sure if somebody heard it
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but something happened. And this is where things are gonna get slightly more nerdy for a bit.
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Simulation theory is
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Something that I engage with. If you're as old as I am think about how much
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videogames have changed in our lives. I went from
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pac-man
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To Skyrim. Computers have grown so much
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stronger over the past couple of decades and programming has followed suit. How much longer will it be until a computer is strong enough to
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simulate human consciousness. Maybe even simulate a universe and once it happens,
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how will anybody within the simulation be able to tell if it's a simulation or not. So that talk that I had with the sky,
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somebody listened. Whoever was play the game knew that I was about to stop playing the game altogether and
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so they added a line of code. And that's this line of code right here. It's binary.
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If you know a little bit about computer languages then binary is just about as basic as it gets.
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It's just zeros and ones; zero represents off
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one represents on. And I felt that my life was all zeros.
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I felt that I was all off.
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But this line right here.
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Changed the program of my life. And if you can't read binary, I'm gonna read it for you.
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It's M-A
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R-T-I-N-A
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Martina became a big part of my life as soon as I had that talk with the sky.
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It's a great line of code might I add. Possibly the best line of code ever.
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I married that line of code,
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and I'll stay with that line of code as
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long as I possibly can because it rocks. On this part of my tattoo, I have a lot of waves.
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Tidal waves.
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I haven't really told a lot of people this but every month or two months is so I have this recurring dream of
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tidal waves that I'm running away from as it destroys and wipes away
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everything in my life.
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My neighborhood and my house and everything like that. And this is where the tattoo makes a very big change.
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Martina and I have nicknames for each other. We call each other duckies so here we are, two duckies.
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She's the pretty one with all the color, and she's holding the umbrella above me, protecting me from all the shit
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that's above it.
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And we're floating calmly on very still waters together.
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Oh, if that last part of the video was difficult to talk about so is this.
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Okay, I don't know if you could see it as much as I can. You, you definitely can't see it as much as I can
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but Martina has
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just the most beautiful soul in her that I've
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ever come across.
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She's dealing with so much pain, more pain than
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anyone I've ever met and she's still so vibrant and
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so
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inspiring and it's
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because of her that I have color in my life.
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It's
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her color that
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grows out of her and grows into my hand and lets me do something with my life that I feel
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happy about, that I feel is worth it. I feel creative.
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I feel like I can make something in this world and I can make something of myself
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because of her.
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I really like the watercolors in this. It really reminds me of
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one of my favorite pictures that I have of Martina in our time in Chicago.
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It's a really pretty picture. So that's my story. I can't ever forget that and sometimes
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I do. Sometimes I get overwhelmed and then I remember
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what I'm living my life for. Who I'm living my life for. And then I can get back to it.
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From my point of view, the way that I look down at this. I could see
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everything that I came from and I could see where I am today. I chose to get this tattoo for
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another reason as well because
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Martina, as some of you may know, lives in chronic pain.
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Just every second of every day is
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relentless pain for her. And she'll hide it on camera, and she'll hide it in front of others
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and she'll hide it in front of me.
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But she's suffering and I know she is. If she's sitting or standing or laying down,
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she could never actually be comfortable. So I wanted to
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put myself through something similar because, for those of you that have tattoos,
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you know that they're not fun to get. They hurt like hell. This wrist part was
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insane. The armpit area.
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Sweet hell, But I put myself through this pain, through many hours of it,
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so I could try to put myself in Martina's shoes for a bit.
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I tried to focus when I was going through this pain.
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I was trying to be decent when I was going through this pain. I tried to carry on a conversation
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with the tattoo artist. It was a stupid conversation
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I had mostly about how much pain I was in but I hope that through going through this,
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I could empathize a little bit more with Martina.
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Ooo, this is the part that is gonna be tough for me to say. Our previous parts were tough, this is a tough part.
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Okay, here we go
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Whoo. The last reason that I got this tattoo wasn't just for me to remember,
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but for Martina to remember. Because
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she's a lot sicker now than she was when we first got married and
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sometimes when she's
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not doing well,
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she feels very guilty
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and she..
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She apologizes...
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For being so sick. For, oh boy.
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She sometimes feels that she tricked me into marrying her.
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I want her to see this tattoo and to remember..
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That she didn't trick me. That she
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saved me. And I need her to remember how much she's done for me.
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I owe her my life, and I'm gonna spend the rest of my life trying to pay her back.
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Guess that's it. There's that video. I didn't want to cry this much. I didn't want to be this kind of video.
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So I hope that she doesn't feel guilty when she sees this tattoo.
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You can't cry yourself. Nooo! (Martina: I can't come hug you cause I'm wearing pajibers and I don't have a bra on)
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Point is.
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I don't ever want her to feel guilty for being sick around me, but she's definitely gonna find
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another way to feel guilty But don't worry everyone.
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I still have three more limbs that I could tattoo on.
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Actually. (Martina: Sailor Moon Duck it is)
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I think it's more like four limbs. (Martina: DUCKIE)
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Because let's admit it, It is pretty huge. Hold on, I gotta blow it right now
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I was talking about my nose. Of course. Why? What were you thinking?
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Get your mind out of the gutter.
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Okay, so that's it for this super happy video.
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Wasn't that great to watch? I'm so glad that I shared this.
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If you want to learn more about tattoos in Japan, we did another video about that. No sobbing,
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no crying in that one. Super lighthearted video.
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So click on the link here if you want to learn about tattoo culture in Japan. (Martina: Hey duckie) I'm a wreck. Yes my love. (Martina: Let me just say something important, okay?)
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(Martina: Getting a tattoo done that had meaning is wonderful, and you sharing with people was really hard)
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(Martina: You know? You're always captain, mister tough. You know. Oh I lost this challenge,)
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(Martina: I want these cookies, but I know you're a big softie.) I want to cry every time I lose in cookie battles.
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(Martina: I know you do.)
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Okay. That's it.
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I'm sweating. From the eyes. And the nose. And the pits. Thanks for watching.