Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles [music] M: So a little while ago we had a donut battle video. [flashback] S: We have two cards. S: A 'Donut' card and a 'No Donut' card. We're gonna have to pick. S: Whoever picks the 'Donut' card gets their pick of the donut. M: Unfortunately that donut location is now closed all over Japan : M: Which means, I'm sorry Simon. You're never gonna be able to get your revenge on me~ [flashback] S: oH NOOOO S: oH FFU- *sheep baaa* M: OHOhoHOhoHOhoH M: OHOHOHOHohOHohO S: Oh fu- *baaaaa* / Martina in happy mode while Simon cries in defeat #saddothrakimanwarrior / S: Venge isn't the word. JUSTICE is the word! S: I need some proof that the world makes sense and is fair and balanced. M: It seemed pretty fair and balanced to me considering you win everything and I won almost non stop in that video. S: So today we're doing 'THE BATTLE OF THE COOKIES' ╰༼=ಠਊಠ=༽╯ S: In which we have two cards, you pick them blindly S: If you have a cookie card you eat S: If you get an X you eat NOTHING. M: Today is going to be cookies for me and cookies for Dan. M: And no cookies for Simon. S: I'll be really upset. S: The odds of this happening again are minuscule. S: Math, look we have to prove that math is real. S: We can't deny the existence, because then like, what about wormholes?! S: What about...how do we... S: Prove...that...gravity exists?! *happy cookie music* M: I don't wanna alarm you, but they have milk on tap, and I am a massive milk fan M: They have milk on, MILK ON TAP S: Ooohhhoh ohohoh M: Don't you dare! Don't you even breathe into it S: No you can just smell S; There are few smells in the world that are as good as warm cookie smells M: No, and this is ice-cold milk on tap M: Like you don't understand how much I want this one M: I love milk S: Ok, alright. Ok. You are gonna shuffle the cards, I'm gonna pick the cards because S: I was predominantly the loser last time. M: I'm going to be doing it from my left and my right S: Yeah, ok. M: So if you say left, it's gonna be my left. S: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah M: If you say right, it's gonna be my right. S: Yeah yeah x 1000 COME ON! x3 M: Ok, go for it. M: Go for it! S: You ready? M: Yes. S: Give me your left card. *gives left card* S: Your left card. M: Ok you ready? S: Here we go. Both: Three, two, one. - *cries* Oh no *Martina laughs in victory* ~*takes her prize* Oh~ S: What are the odds of this?! S: No, what are the odds of this? *Martina starts teasing Simon* S: Oh my *sniffs* Oh no :( M: Oh, what's that freshly baked- M: It's actually still warm. It's literally still warm. S: Oh no *sad music, Simon's heart breaks* M: I can like melt the chocolate chips. Mmmm~ S: I wasn't super hungry before I came here but S: as soon as I smelt that then I just felt the little grumbles in my stomach S: and the little grumbles in my heart. S: Oh no :( *Martina takes a bites of that delicious cookie* M: Mmmm~ Oh it's so soft, oh no. Mmm~ S: Oh no. Oh look at it melting... *disbelief* M: That made me so thirsty, if only I had milk. M: Oh! Mmmm S: I think you're finding this entertaining. S: I honestly didn't know.. *laughs of denial and walks away* M: Mmmmm (Singing to the tune of Marvin Gayes 'Sexual Healing') ? When I get that feeling I want milk and cookie healing ? *cue sad music* M: Yep, good day for Martina, good start. *cue more sad music* ????? S: I don't think you understand. I really really like cookies. (same here) S: Cookies, I just really like cookies? M: There's a little but of crumbled cookie at the bottom. S: No, we gotta do this fair! S: I didn't win it, I don't deserve this (#lifelessonsfromSimon) S: I will win mine with justice! M: You don't tell me twice I've already drank the whole thing. S: And I will prove S: that God exists, ok. M: I think you're being a lit- chotto (little) dramatic M: Let's go for something different than just cookies S: Ok we're gonna edit this out now, next on the list -M: Let's ante this up S: is an ice-cream sandwich. M: Made with freshly baked cookies! :D S: My god, my god. *Martina laughs* M: Simon *beep* loves ice-cream sandwiches. ????? S: Oh my god I didn' 't even taste it I just touched the box M: I know. S: and I feel happiness already. M: Ok, so this is two, freshly baked, warm chocolate chip cookies S: Yeah yeah M: and you can smell, right? M: And they're using a really special vanilla bean ice-cream from New Zealand. S: Ahh. Oh my god. M: and then they roll it in cookie crumbs *Simon dying* M: and sugar and it's so warm it's- S: Ohh the ice-cream is melting. M: the ice-cream is like, physically, S: Ok we got to hurry. M: magical, S: Stop destroying! I gotta win this one. M: That's how warm and fresh this is. S: Ok, put it down! Separate your cards. I'll pick. M: Ok, do you want my left hand or my right hand? *dramatic music* S: Give me your left hand x2 S: Ok -Here we go. M: You ready? S: Ready. -3, 2, 1 Martina wins again!! ??? (Here we have the different realms of night and day) *Martina laughing* M: You even move stools! You're like "That stool was cursed." M: and you moved us out of it *excited Martina* M: Dan, do you want half of my ice-cream sandwich? M: Wow, can you see what's happening here. *nom* (I'm craving cookies now) M: Oh my god. M: This is so good. M: The cookie's so soft. It's not like a crusty, old cookie that crunches. *Meanwhile...* S: Meh meh meh, this cookie's so soft. M: Wha- M: Wow. *Happy Martina which is always good :D* M: Mmmm!!! M: Oh no! M: Mmmmm M: Mmmm~~!! S: I've somehow rigged this game but I'm not telling Simon how. M: Oh Simon since you're not doing anything, could you grab the camera so Dan could M: have some ice-cream sandwich? S: This isn't how this channel was established, alright. S: This is supposed to be me enjoying food *Dan laughs in the background* S: Who even eats ice-cream sandwiches like that? D: *shrugs* I do. (same) S: You're barbarians! D: Mmm!! D: Oh this is good. M: What? D: Oh nice. D: I mean, whoo M: Simon did you want a little bit? S: No. (Give me instead) S: I'm gonna win something for fairsies. M: Are you gonna win something for fairsies? S: FOR FAIRSIES!! S: I'm gonna win it for fairsies alright! M: There's only one little piece of cookie left. M: Will it be able to hold the weight? M: Ohh that's a huge amount of ice-cream for such a little bit of cookie. M: I should probably just eat it. *nom* M: Mmmm~ *does a happy dance* M: Fairness in the world indeed. M: I like how it's like "It's always cookie time!" M: and Simon *laughs* hasn't had a single cookie. S: There's always cookie time? It's never- *beep* S: That's ok, that doesn't matter, because the third one is the most important one. S: This is gonna be the grand daddy of all cookie experiences S: and these two cheater mccheatersons aren't gonna be able S: to stop me from getting fairness here. (Martina at the back tho) (So cute S: Wankers the lot of them *cue delicious goodness* (Omg (Diabetes in a cup D: ) S: Ok so we just got the freak shake and Martina's taking pictures of it. S: But there're 2 extra staws. If I win, S: none of you are getting a taste of it. S: I'm not even gonna breathe in your direction. S: All these extra staws are decorative. You're not touching ANY of it. M: Do you ever think that maybe it's your vengeful, unsharing attitude M:that's what's causing- S: NO! Because I'm Captain Generosity, alright. S: I always share with people all the time! M: Roll the video reel- No, because I'm not going to find all the edits of Simon M: not sharing with me. S: So what they did, I'm pretty sure they took a whole bunch of ice-cream S: and they made a milkshake out of it, and then they dip the cup in chocolate S; and then they put more ice-cream on. M; Oh sweet child~ s: And then they put the cookies M: You don't even know S: And then I put on a swim cap S: and then I dive into the pool of chocolate and eat my way out S: when I eat this S: THAT'S WHAT'S ON THE LINE RIGHT HERE! S: Whooo lordy! M: Ok this is the Rocky Road freak shake M: so it comes with marshmallow fluff S: Look, my nipples can only get so pointy. -so what's more- S: Ohh!! Is it chilly or am I just hungry? (Note: Not sure how Simon thinks hunger make your nipples perky) M: Ok, this is your... S: THIS IS IT! M; Do you want my left hand, or do you want my right hand? S: I WANT YOUR RIGHT! M; Is that your final answer? S: YES! GIMME YOUR RIGHT HAND! M: Here we go. S: You ready? S: Yes. Both: 3, 2, 1 (AND SIMON IS DA WINNER!! ????) S: I TOLD YOU! Martina thought that she could trick me S: by making me go left 3 times. M: Left hand 3 yeah that's what I was trying to do. S: SHE THOUGHT SO! S: But you're WRONG! *licks straws* S:You're not touching my milkshake S: right here. M: That's not nice at all! *Simon in awe* S: Look at this. In all of its caloric glory. ? S: Ooo this is has a little bit of chocolate right up here . M: It's chocolate bark. S: Oh my god. M: You might need that. S: Ahhh S: That is some good- S: Oh! Look it had a a little frozen chocolate. S: Little tents above it right there M: But I love marshmallows :( S: Oh do you love marshmallow fluff? M: Is that just a mouthful of marshmallows? S: Mmm!!! S: Oh give me a napkin. M: It's gonna cost you a spoonful M: of milkshake. S: *beep* no ima lick my hand. S: NOTHING OUT OF ME! S: Arrrrrr! Arrrr!!! (Note: Strangers walking by must think Simon is rabid. S: Arr!! S: I'm having such a good time right now. S: So decadent and delightful. (Gimme some pls?) S: Mmm!! S: Mmmm~ *A wild Martina appears!* S: You get nothing! S: Look at how big that bark- do you see all that? S: Uhh girl you get nothin'. S:Mmm!! M: He's quick and wily for his size! S: I'll take that for you. *destroys it* M: It's ok, Dan *a wild spoon appears!* M: "You have no idea how many spoons are down my pants right now." -Martina 2017 (#Bestquoteever) M: Spoon after spoon after- S: Why do you have so many spoons in your pants? M: Because I knew you'd throw it on the ground like a jerk. *happy Simon and sad Martina :(* S: Oh yeah girl~ S: It's my birthday. We gonna party like it's my birthday. S: Broom x7 M: Is this a trick? S: Come on, get in there. Get in that. S: Get that x2 GET THAT GIRL, GET THAT GIRL YOU GET THAT. S: You didn't get that. M: Mmm~! M: That milk is really fantastic. I think it's the on-tap milk part which M: makes it taste totally different than just like a milkshake S: Oh my god. M: where it's blended with ice-cream. M: It's actually drinkable. You know when you try to drink milkshake out of ice-cream M: and it just doesn't move? M: I'm just gonna leave him alone. I feel like this is going up to a rated R S: I'm just so happy right now! S: I really thought I was gonna lose the third time. S: Ooo~~ Baby girl~ M: Aren't you so happy and smug? M: Hey, I just wanna remind you. I got cookies. I got 2 cookies. S: I didn't try any cookies.