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  • [music]

  • M: So a little while ago we had a donut battle video.

  • [flashback] S: We have two cards.

  • S: A 'Donut' card and a 'No Donut' card. We're gonna have to pick.

  • S: Whoever picks the 'Donut' card gets their pick of the donut.

  • M: Unfortunately that donut location is now closed all over Japan :

  • M: Which means, I'm sorry Simon. You're never gonna be able to get your revenge on me~

  • [flashback] S: oH NOOOO

  • S: oH FFU- *sheep baaa* M: OHOhoHOhoHOhoH

  • M: OHOHOHOHohOHohO

  • S: Oh fu- *baaaaa*

  • / Martina in happy mode while Simon cries in defeat #saddothrakimanwarrior /

  • S: Venge isn't the word. JUSTICE is the word!

  • S: I need some proof that the world makes sense and is fair and balanced.

  • M: It seemed pretty fair and balanced to me considering you win everything and I won almost non stop in that video.

  • S: So today we're doing 'THE BATTLE OF THE COOKIES' ╰༼=ಠਊಠ=༽╯

  • S: In which we have two cards, you pick them blindly

  • S: If you have a cookie card you eat

  • S: If you get an X you eat NOTHING.

  • M: Today is going to be cookies for me and cookies for Dan.

  • M: And no cookies for Simon.

  • S: I'll be really upset.

  • S: The odds of this happening again are minuscule.

  • S: Math, look we have to prove that math is real.

  • S: We can't deny the existence, because then like, what about wormholes?!

  • S: What about...how do we...

  • S: Prove...that...gravity exists?!

  • *happy cookie music*

  • M: I don't wanna alarm you, but they have milk on tap, and I am a massive milk fan

  • M: They have milk on, MILK ON TAP

  • S: Ooohhhoh ohohoh

  • M: Don't you dare! Don't you even breathe into it

  • S: No you can just smell

  • S; There are few smells in the world that are as good as warm cookie smells

  • M: No, and this is ice-cold milk on tap

  • M: Like you don't understand how much I want this one

  • M: I love milk

  • S: Ok, alright. Ok. You are gonna shuffle the cards, I'm gonna pick the cards because

  • S: I was predominantly the loser last time.

  • M: I'm going to be doing it from my left and my right

  • S: Yeah, ok. M: So if you say left, it's gonna be my left.

  • S: Yeah, yeah yeah yeah M: If you say right, it's gonna be my right.

  • S: Yeah yeah x 1000 COME ON! x3 M: Ok, go for it.

  • M: Go for it! S: You ready?

  • M: Yes. S: Give me your left card.

  • *gives left card* S: Your left card.

  • M: Ok you ready? S: Here we go.

  • Both: Three, two, one.

  • - *cries* Oh no *Martina laughs in victory*

  • ~*takes her prize* Oh~ S: What are the odds of this?!

  • S: No, what are the odds of this?

  • *Martina starts teasing Simon*

  • S: Oh my *sniffs* Oh no :( M: Oh, what's that freshly baked-

  • M: It's actually still warm. It's literally still warm. S: Oh no

  • *sad music, Simon's heart breaks*

  • M: I can like melt the chocolate chips. Mmmm~

  • S: I wasn't super hungry before I came here but

  • S: as soon as I smelt that then I just felt the little grumbles in my stomach

  • S: and the little grumbles in my heart.

  • S: Oh no :( *Martina takes a bites of that delicious cookie*

  • M: Mmmm~ Oh it's so soft, oh no. Mmm~ S: Oh no. Oh look at it melting... *disbelief*

  • M: That made me so thirsty, if only I had milk.

  • M: Oh! Mmmm S: I think you're finding this entertaining.

  • S: I honestly didn't know.. *laughs of denial and walks away*

  • M: Mmmmm

  • (Singing to the tune of Marvin Gayes 'Sexual Healing') ? When I get that feeling I want milk and cookie healing ?

  • *cue sad music*

  • M: Yep, good day for Martina, good start.

  • *cue more sad music*

  • ?????

  • S: I don't think you understand. I really really like cookies. (same here)

  • S: Cookies, I just really like cookies?

  • M: There's a little but of crumbled cookie at the bottom.

  • S: No, we gotta do this fair!

  • S: I didn't win it, I don't deserve this (#lifelessonsfromSimon)

  • S: I will win mine with justice!

  • M: You don't tell me twice I've already drank the whole thing. S: And I will prove

  • S: that God exists, ok.

  • M: I think you're being a lit- chotto (little) dramatic

  • M: Let's go for something different than just cookies

  • S: Ok we're gonna edit this out now, next on the list -M: Let's ante this up

  • S: is an ice-cream sandwich.

  • M: Made with freshly baked cookies! :D

  • S: My god, my god. *Martina laughs*

  • M: Simon *beep* loves ice-cream sandwiches.

  • ?????

  • S: Oh my god I didn' 't even taste it I just touched the box

  • M: I know. S: and I feel happiness already.

  • M: Ok, so this is two, freshly baked, warm chocolate chip cookies

  • S: Yeah yeah M: and you can smell, right?

  • M: And they're using a really special vanilla bean ice-cream from New Zealand. S: Ahh. Oh my god.

  • M: and then they roll it in cookie crumbs *Simon dying*

  • M: and sugar and it's so warm it's-

  • S: Ohh the ice-cream is melting. M: the ice-cream is like, physically,

  • S: Ok we got to hurry. M: magical,

  • S: Stop destroying! I gotta win this one. M: That's how warm and fresh this is.

  • S: Ok, put it down! Separate your cards. I'll pick.

  • M: Ok, do you want my left hand or my right hand?

  • *dramatic music*

  • S: Give me your left hand x2

  • S: Ok -Here we go.

  • M: You ready? S: Ready.

  • -3, 2, 1

  • Martina wins again!! ???

  • (Here we have the different realms of night and day) *Martina laughing*

  • M: You even move stools! You're like "That stool was cursed."

  • M: and you moved us out of it

  • *excited Martina*

  • M: Dan, do you want half of my ice-cream sandwich?

  • M: Wow, can you see what's happening here.

  • *nom* (I'm craving cookies now)

  • M: Oh my god.

  • M: This is so good.

  • M: The cookie's so soft. It's not like a crusty, old cookie that crunches.

  • *Meanwhile...* S: Meh meh meh, this cookie's so soft.

  • M: Wha-

  • M: Wow.

  • *Happy Martina which is always good :D* M: Mmmm!!!

  • M: Oh no!

  • M: Mmmmm

  • M: Mmmm~~!!

  • S: I've somehow rigged this game but I'm not telling Simon how.

  • M: Oh Simon since you're not doing anything, could you grab the camera so Dan could

  • M: have some ice-cream sandwich?

  • S: This isn't how this channel was established, alright.

  • S: This is supposed to be me enjoying food *Dan laughs in the background*

  • S: Who even eats ice-cream sandwiches like that?

  • D: *shrugs* I do. (same) S: You're barbarians!

  • D: Mmm!!

  • D: Oh this is good.

  • M: What? D: Oh nice.

  • D: I mean, whoo

  • M: Simon did you want a little bit? S: No. (Give me instead)

  • S: I'm gonna win something for fairsies.

  • M: Are you gonna win something for fairsies? S: FOR FAIRSIES!!

  • S: I'm gonna win it for fairsies alright!

  • M: There's only one little piece of cookie left.

  • M: Will it be able to hold the weight?

  • M: Ohh that's a huge amount of ice-cream for such a little bit of cookie.

  • M: I should probably just eat it.

  • *nom*

  • M: Mmmm~

  • *does a happy dance*

  • M: Fairness in the world indeed.

  • M: I like how it's like "It's always cookie time!"

  • M: and Simon *laughs* hasn't had a single cookie.

  • S: There's always cookie time? It's never- *beep*

  • S: That's ok, that doesn't matter, because the third one is the most important one.

  • S: This is gonna be the grand daddy of all cookie experiences

  • S: and these two cheater mccheatersons aren't gonna be able

  • S: to stop me from getting fairness here. (Martina at the back tho)

  • (So cute

  • S: Wankers the lot of them

  • *cue delicious goodness*

  • (Omg

  • (Diabetes in a cup D: )

  • S: Ok so we just got the freak shake and Martina's taking pictures of it.

  • S: But there're 2 extra staws. If I win,

  • S: none of you are getting a taste of it.

  • S: I'm not even gonna breathe in your direction.

  • S: All these extra staws are decorative. You're not touching ANY of it.

  • M: Do you ever think that maybe it's your vengeful, unsharing attitude

  • M:that's what's causing- S: NO! Because I'm Captain Generosity, alright.

  • S: I always share with people all the time!

  • M: Roll the video reel- No, because I'm not going to find all the edits of Simon

  • M: not sharing with me.

  • S: So what they did, I'm pretty sure they took a whole bunch of ice-cream

  • S: and they made a milkshake out of it, and then they dip the cup in chocolate

  • S; and then they put more ice-cream on.

  • M; Oh sweet child~ s: And then they put the cookies

  • M: You don't even know S: And then I put on a swim cap

  • S: and then I dive into the pool of chocolate and eat my way out

  • S: when I eat this

  • S: THAT'S WHAT'S ON THE LINE RIGHT HERE!

  • S: Whooo lordy!

  • M: Ok this is the Rocky Road freak shake

  • M: so it comes with marshmallow fluff

  • S: Look, my nipples can only get so pointy. -so what's more-

  • S: Ohh!! Is it chilly or am I just hungry? (Note: Not sure how Simon thinks hunger make your nipples perky)

  • M: Ok, this is your... S: THIS IS IT!

  • M; Do you want my left hand, or do you want my right hand?

  • S: I WANT YOUR RIGHT!

  • M; Is that your final answer? S: YES! GIMME YOUR RIGHT HAND!

  • M: Here we go. S: You ready?

  • S: Yes. Both: 3, 2, 1

  • (AND SIMON IS DA WINNER!! ????)

  • S: I TOLD YOU! Martina thought that she could trick me

  • S: by making me go left 3 times. M: Left hand 3 yeah that's what I was trying to do.

  • S: SHE THOUGHT SO!

  • S: But you're WRONG!

  • *licks straws* S:You're not touching my milkshake

  • S: right here. M: That's not nice at all!

  • *Simon in awe*

  • S: Look at this. In all of its caloric glory. ?

  • S: Ooo this is has a little bit of chocolate right up here .

  • M: It's chocolate bark. S: Oh my god.

  • M: You might need that.

  • S: Ahhh

  • S: That is some good-

  • S: Oh! Look it had a a little frozen chocolate.

  • S: Little tents above it right there

  • M: But I love marshmallows :( S: Oh do you love marshmallow fluff?

  • M: Is that just a mouthful of marshmallows?

  • S: Mmm!!!

  • S: Oh give me a napkin. M: It's gonna cost you a spoonful

  • M: of milkshake. S: *beep* no ima lick my hand.

  • S: NOTHING OUT OF ME!

  • S: Arrrrrr! Arrrr!!!

  • (Note: Strangers walking by must think Simon is rabid.

  • S: Arr!! S: I'm having such a good time right now.

  • S: So decadent and delightful.

  • (Gimme some pls?)

  • S: Mmm!!

  • S: Mmmm~

  • *A wild Martina appears!*

  • S: You get nothing!

  • S: Look at how big that bark- do you see all that?

  • S: Uhh girl you get nothin'.

  • S:Mmm!!

  • M: He's quick and wily for his size! S: I'll take that for you.

  • *destroys it*

  • M: It's ok, Dan

  • *a wild spoon appears!*

  • M: "You have no idea how many spoons are down my pants right now." -Martina 2017 (#Bestquoteever)

  • M: Spoon after spoon after- S: Why do you have so many spoons in your pants?

  • M: Because I knew you'd throw it on the ground like a jerk.

  • *happy Simon and sad Martina :(*

  • S: Oh yeah girl~

  • S: It's my birthday. We gonna party like it's my birthday.

  • S: Broom x7 M: Is this a trick?

  • S: Come on, get in there. Get in that.

  • S: Get that x2 GET THAT GIRL, GET THAT GIRL YOU GET THAT.

  • S: You didn't get that. M: Mmm~!

  • M: That milk is really fantastic. I think it's the on-tap milk part which

  • M: makes it taste totally different than just like a milkshake S: Oh my god.

  • M: where it's blended with ice-cream.

  • M: It's actually drinkable. You know when you try to drink milkshake out of ice-cream

  • M: and it just doesn't move?

  • M: I'm just gonna leave him alone. I feel like this is going up to a rated R

  • S: I'm just so happy right now!

  • S: I really thought I was gonna lose the third time.

  • S: Ooo~~ Baby girl~

  • M: Aren't you so happy and smug?

  • M: Hey, I just wanna remind you. I got cookies. I got 2 cookies. S: I didn't try any cookies.