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The modern world purports to respect both introverts and their opposites but in practice,
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the glory all goes to the extroverts.
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To have any chance of
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seeming normal or achieving success, one has to
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impress strangers, attend conferences, make speeches, outshine
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competitors, manage people, join in with prevailing enthusiasms, socialise,
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travel a lot, go out often and date widely. It can take a very long time before we realise
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that – however much we might hope for this to be otherwise – this is not in fact us
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at all. For our part, we happen to get very worried before going to parties, we have felt
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close to death before giving speeches, any kind of social occasion perturbs us heavily,
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we're left extremely jittery by encounters with news and social media, we start to feel
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sick if we haven't had the chance to sit on our own and process our thoughts for a
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few hours every day, we're very awkward
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about having to be responsible for anyone at work and we are extremely wary of jolliness
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or demonstrations of group fervour.
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Conversely, we adore staying at home, we'd be quite happy spending a whole weekend (or
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even a few years) in our own company with some books and a laptop, we only properly
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like about three people in the world, we love exploring different rooms in our minds, we
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are reassured by friends who know how to confess their vulnerability and anxiety, we'd like
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never to have to go to a party again, we almost never complain that things are too quiet and
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we love peaceful landscapes and uneventful days. We quite like flowers too.
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All of this can bring intense suspicion to bear on us in the modern world. Why are we
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so timid? Why can't we sing along with everyone else? Why aren't we coming out to celebrate?
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We conclude that we are weird and possibly ill long before we can accept that we may
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just be very different. To be an introvert is to be constantly impacted
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by undercurrents and hidden electricity in situations that others will miss. What can
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make a party or a company meeting so exhausting for us is that we aren't merely expressing
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our thoughts and chatting, we'll wonder what everyone has made of what we've just
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said, we'll suspect that we have failed to understand an important dynamic, we'll
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be struck by a peculiar possible hostility from someone in the corner, we'll worry
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that our face has stuck in an unfortunate, gormless position. We are – when called
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upon – canny observers of the human comedy, but minute by minute, we are also hellishly
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and exhaustingly self-conscious.
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It sounds difficult, but an introverted life
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can also be a very grateful and rich life. We need so much less in order to have enough.
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We don't require noise and attention. We don't care where the giant party is. We
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just want to potter around in our boring clothes, chat to the few people we feel comfortable
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with, take walks and lie in the bath a lot. There can be so much in things if we let them
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resonate properly. How much we've already seen; how many journeys we've already been
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on; how much we've already read; what tumults we've already been through. We don't really
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need more.
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We're like children who don't need too much stimulation from outside.
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An hour at a lively birthday party and it's imperative for us to go straight home and have a nap.
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Recognising our introverted nature is not merely a piece of poetic self-knowledge. It
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belongs to our mental health – for failing to make the correct accommodation with our
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introversion is a fast route to overload and ensuing anxiety and paranoia. What we term
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a breakdown is often simply an introverted mind crying out for greater peace, rest, self-compassion
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and harmony. Experienced introverts therefore realise a need to push against the extroverted
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agenda. Their sanity relies on being able to cleave to the insular routines they need.
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We have at least got a vocabulary for explaining the structure of our personalities to others.
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The next step will be to learn how to honour it – and properly allow people to lead the
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quieter lives their temperaments crave and deserve.
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Our book on confidence walks us around the key issues that stop us from making more of our potential.