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  • Alright, so I was at this bar not too long ago.

  • And I had to take a piss.

  • So I saunter off to the men's room.

  • And at this particular bar the bathroom's made up of one stall and two urinals.

  • Now, it's worth noting, that these two urinals, well, they're about...four centimeters apart.

  • Needless to say, you gotta get a little comfortable with whoever you're pissing next to.

  • You're so close to the other guy, that you kinda just wanna be like: "You know, fuck it! You wanna share a urinal? Let's share a urinal, we might as well!"

  • So I walk in, and of course, there's already somebody at the urinal.

  • And of course, there's already somebody duking it up in the stall.

  • Alright, whatever, f**k it, time to get cozy and be pee pals with whoever this strange man is over here.

  • So I squeeze in next to this guy, he's all pissed-off and does this little sigh, like: "Come on, dude, can't you go piss in the sink or something?"

  • Like listen buddy, I don't like this anymore than you do, alright?

  • Our shoulders are rubbing against each other and shit.

  • Let's just tough it out, we don't got to make out after this or anything.

  • So there we are, dicks in hand.

  • It was right about this time, that I realized, that this guy isn't even pissing!

  • I'm not saying that I was ogling this guy's wiener.

  • But there was definitely no tinkle sounds coming from the tinkling area.

  • I kinda, like, glance over this dude's face and kinda give him the nod, like, "Hey, what's up, buddy?"

  • And he's got this paranoid look on his face.

  • A face that I've never seen on a human being's head before.

  • Looks like he just swallowed a bunch of pennies or something like that.

  • Now, it's worth noting that I don't have a shy bladder.

  • At least not when I'm halfway drunk, which is what I was.

  • When I'm halfway drunk, I can piss in public.

  • I can piss in front of my grandparents.

  • In front of a...school field trip, you name it, I can piss it!

  • I could piss standing on this dude's shoulders, if I wanted to.

  • But as soon as I notice that this guy is not peeing, my brain kicks in and it's like: "Hey, you know what would be weird? If you couldn't piss either!"

  • "And you guys just stood there with your dicks out."

  • And soon as I thought it, well, it sure the f**k happened!

  • I'm pushing, god damn am I pushing!

  • My eyes are bulging out of my head, my face is turning all red and shit.

  • Nothing's coming out, though a fucking puff of dust hits the back of the urinal.

  • Now we're just two grown men holding our dicks.

  • "Yeah, I'm here at the Great Pissing Stalemate of 2016."

  • "Where two grown men, dick in hand, can't piss in front of each other."

  • "That sounds awful, Tom! Is there any end in sight?"

  • "No way, Bill! Both are completely insecure and neither one of them wanna be the weirdo..."

  • "That just hovers their dick in front of the urinal for three minutes for no goddamn reason!"

  • I'm standing there, thinking like: "God, if my dad could see me now..."

  • "You know what, fuck this! I'm gonna stand here until I explode, I don't give a shit, I'm standing my ground!"

  • "I'm not peeing, you're not peeing, what the hell are we doing here, holding our ding-dongs for?"

  • "What are we, practicing?" Like 30 seconds go by, and we're both standing here, pretending like this isn't the most awkward moment of our lives.

  • It's very tense moment, like...Clarice-talking-to-Hannibal-Lecter tense!

  • "Hello, Clarice."

  • "Doctor Lecter, it's Jodie Foster."

  • "Quid pro quo, Clarice! Quid pro quo."

  • "Jodie Foster, look how handsome I am!"

  • Some guy walks in the middle of all this shit.

  • Sees what's going on and is like: "Nope! I want nothing to do with this weirdness!"

  • "I'll go piss in the street!"

  • The dude pooping in the stall's wondering, what the hell is going on out there?

  • "Uhhh... Are you guys still in here?"

  • Finally, after what seems like a goddamn eternity, miss piss partner sees an opening.

  • He finally gets the courage to piss.

  • I don't know what's going on, the eye of the tiger, this is it, the big moment.

  • He finally let's loose...

  • For a whole half a goddamn second.

  • He pissed just enough to fill up a thimble.

  • And then he zips up and runs out of there, like the building's on fire.

  • Holy shit, I won, I did it, I won Pissing Stalemate 2016!

  • And I'm so relieved.

  • I swear to God, I could've just dropped my pants around my ankles, and pissed like the weird kid did in first grade.

  • All bare-assed and all the pooping dude's clapping for me.

  • I left that bathroom, feeling relieved, hoping somebody was gonna give me like a sash or something.

  • Pissing Champion 2016.

  • But no, there's no confetti, no celebratory, applause.

  • But I did get to avoid eye contact with that other guy for the entire rest of the night.

  • So that was rewarding.

  • I kinda felt bad for him, I was thinking about going up to him, maybe buying him a beer.

  • Be like: "Look, dude, sorry...Sorry you got all emotional in there."

  • "I'd shake your hand, but...your dick was in it, so...here'a Michelob Ultra."

  • I don't know what else to say...

  • Jodie Foster!

  • It's my Jodie Foster impression.

  • I don't have a good...

  • I feel like my Hannibal Lector impression sucks dick.

  • But my Jodie Foster impression...that shit is perfect!

  • "Doctor Lecter, it's Jodie Foster!"

  • It's pretty similar to Rough McGruff.

  • Jodie Foster and Rough McGruff they're the same person to me.

  • "Rough McGruff, Chicago, Illinois."

  • "Jodie Foster, take a bite out of crime!"

Alright, so I was at this bar not too long ago.

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