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  • -New York City, baby!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • My name is Mike. I'm in my 40s.

  • Some of you might be younger,

  • so I'll tell you what it's like to be in your 40s.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Whether I lift weights or get drunk,

  • my body feels about the same the next day.

  • I'm just achy and sore,

  • questioning all of my life choices.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • My father gave me some very bad advice growing up,

  • but it's gonna sound like good advice when I say it.

  • But now that I'm in my 40s, I know it's bad.

  • This was the advice.

  • He said, "Michael, always give 100%."

  • He said, "You can't go wrong if you always give 100%."

  • That, my friends, is false.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • If you give 100% at all times,

  • you will end up in a mental institution.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But you have to try sometimes.

  • So what I do now is, when I walk into a situation,

  • I check my cellphone.

  • Whatever percentage my battery is at...

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • ...that's how much effort I give.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Tonight, they were like, "Mike, this crowd deserves 100%."

  • I said, "37% is what they're gonna get."

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • "Unless somebody has a charger."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm not married.

  • There's a lot of lies floating around out there about marriage.

  • One is that marriage is 50/50.

  • I find that to be not true at all.

  • The marriages that last are never 50/50.

  • The marriages that last are a combination

  • of two types of people.

  • One person who is boring...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...with another person who is crazy.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Boring and crazy is the only combination that seems to work.

  • I've done the math on this.

  • Two borings don't work.

  • They'll cheat on each other. Not enough excitement.

  • Two crazies don't work 'cause that's the show "Cops."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Have you ever seen the show "Cops"?

  • I've been through a lot of breakups.

  • And when I break up with a woman, never pleasant.

  • I like to do it at a restaurant.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • 'Cause I feel like it's a public place

  • and she will not cause a scene. [ Laughter ]

  • But can I share a secret with you guys?

  • The women of today will yell at you right in a restaurant.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So you know what I do?

  • I take her to a Chinese restaurant.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That way if she yells at me,

  • it just seems like she's working at the restaurant.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I'm trying to stay in shape.

  • I started doing hot yoga last spring.

  • And one of the benefits of doing hot yoga in New York

  • is that you get to carry a small mat around the city with you.

  • And I like that, 'cause my friends are dumb.

  • They're like, "Are you doing yoga?"

  • I'm like, "This? No.

  • I like to engage people

  • in tiny wrestling matches all over town."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's how I work out now.

  • I start a confrontation. I roll out the mat.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I wave on the challenge. I'm like, "Bring it, dawg!

  • Let's solve it in this 2 by 1 by 2 by 1-inch space

  • that I carry around with me for aggressive reasons."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I complain about hot yoga being too hot.

  • I'm one of those guys.

  • My friends are like,

  • "Mike, why don't you just go to regular yoga?"

  • I'm like, "No, I like hot yoga.

  • I like hot yoga because you're sweating so much,

  • no one can tell that you're crying."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • They're like, "Mike, are you chanting?"

  • I'm like, "I am weeping."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I told the instructor it was too hot.

  • It's supposed to be 90 minutes, 105 degrees,

  • but it feels like 140.

  • That's what I said.

  • She said, "The seasons are changing.

  • We kind of have to adjust to the seasons."

  • I'm like, "Do you know how buildings work?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "You control the weather on the inside of a building.

  • That's why it's different from the outside of a building.

  • Otherwise, we would not need buildings.

  • We would just do everything outside."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • She's like, "But don't you feel better after it's over?"

  • I'm like, "I feel better the way that someone feels better

  • after they've survived a car accident."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I feel better that I'm alive.

  • But I don't feel better than if I never would have come here."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • She's like, "But you're losing weight.

  • Aren't you happy that you're losing weight?"

  • I'm like, "Am I losing weight?

  • I don't feel like I'm losing weight.

  • I feel like I'm evaporating."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Feel like that's happening.

  • I feel like there's a cloud outside

  • that looks exactly like me.

  • Fat, white, and sad."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You guys are amazing. Thank you so much!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -How's it going, dude? -It's good.

  • -Mike Vecchione!

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • For more, visit mikevecchione.com.

-New York City, baby!

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Mike Vecchione Stand-Up

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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