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-Well, you guys, it seems like there's so much
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going on right now.
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The impeachment trial is all over the news.
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The Grammy Awards are this Sunday.
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The NFL Pro Bowl is this weekend
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and we just found out that Mr. Peanut is dead.
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[ Audience aws ] There's a lot to go over.
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Let's just jump in and cover it all at once.
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It's time for a "News Smash."
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♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]
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♪♪ [ Applause ]
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First up, the impeachment trial.
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The Democrats made their case for three days
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and, now, we'll hear from the president's lawyers.
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The two sides are going head-to-head,
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almost like they're playing in the
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Pro Bowl.
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[ Laughter ] Players from the AFC and NFC
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will square off this Sunday and everyone's excited.
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It's been a long, grueling season,
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so the players tend to play it safe
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because no body wants an injury, especially to their
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Nuts.
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[ Laughter ] Planters announced this week
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that their beloved mascot, Mr. Peanut, is dead.
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Now, if you wanna see someone rocking a top hat, monocle,
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cane, or some other crazy outfit,
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you'll have to tune in to the
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Grammys. Everyone will be [ Laughter ]
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on the red carpet, but not without controversy.
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A former employee says the whole nominating process is rigged.
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If that's true, someone deserves to be
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Impeached. The Democrats [ Laughter and applause ]
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presented a lot of evidence,
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but Republicans aren't turning on Trump.
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The chances of him actually being removed from office seem
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Dead. Mr. Peanut [ Laughter ]
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met his demise after falling off a cliff.
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It is a sad day for nuts, but a great day for
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Sacks. Hopefully, [ Laughter ]
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there'll be a lot of that at the Pro Bowl in Orlando,
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which will cap off the NFL's 100th season.
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Also in its 100th season,
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the impeachment trial.
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[ Laughter and applause ]
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Trump claims what he did with Ukraine was perfect.
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Democrats said he did something wrong,
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but Trump seems to be feeling
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♪ Good as hell ♪
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[ Laughter ] Lizzo is
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the most nominated artist at the Grammys,
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thanks to her hit song "Truth Hurts."
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You know what else hurts?
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Not making the Super Bowl.
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[ Laughter ] But that still
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doesn't hurt as much as
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Being smashed into a pulp.
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[ Laughter ] I know it's just a PR stunt,
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but I hope whoever did this gets caught and put on
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Trial. So, in conclusion, [ Laughter ]
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let's get ready to rock.
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Let's get ready to talk.
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Let's get ready to yell.
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We'll always remember your show.
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[ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]
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[ Fresh cheering and applause ]
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Thank you very much.
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That's right, today it was the last day
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for Democrats to give their opening arguments
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in Trump's impeachment trial.
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And this is nice: At the end,
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all the House managers got up and sang
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Green Day's "Time of Your Life."
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[ Laughter ]
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♪ Something unpredictable ♪
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♪ And in the end it's right ♪
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[ Cheering and applause ] No.
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Democrats --
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Clearly, we didn't rehearse that.
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[ Laughter ] Thank you, Roots.
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I don't know who was more off, me or you.
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[ Laughter ]
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I know it was me.
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[ Laughter ] Now that the Democrats are done,
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Republicans will start their opening statements tomorrow
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and Trump's already complaining
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that his defense will start on a Saturday.
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He tweeted that Saturday is "Death valley in T.V."
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[ Laughter ]
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Trump could get removed from office
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and he's complaining about ratings.
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[ Laughter ] It's like when Nixon famously said...
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[as Nixon] I'll resign, but I want "Happy Days"
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as my lead-in. [ Laughter ]
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Check this out: I read that Las Vegas is no longer using
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its famous slogan, "What happens here stays here."
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They've already come up with a new slogan:
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"What happens here gets posted on Instagram and you're fired."
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[ Laughter ]
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This isn't good. I read about a grandmother in San Diego
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who was just caught with 200 pounds of meth.
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[ Audience oohs ] Friends knew something was up
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when she was playing 50 Bingo cards at once.
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[ Rapid tapping ]
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[ Laughter ]
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Well --
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[ Fresh laughter ]
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[ Rapid tapping ] No, thank you. Sorry.
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[ Laughter and applause ] It was already
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still happening in my brain, yeah.
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That's like me with Whac-A-Mole, yeah.
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Well, it's the end of another crazy week
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and, since there's too much to talk about,
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instead of giving you a full week in review,
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we decided to put together a little montage
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that just focuses on the keywords used this week.
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It's something we call "This Week in Words."
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[ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪
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♪♪
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♪ Congress, witness, House, subpoena ♪
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♪ Planters has killed off Mr. Peanut ♪
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♪ Chiefs and the 9ers ♪
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♪ Raiders, switches ♪
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♪ Brad and Jen ♪
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♪ I'm back, bitches! ♪
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♪ Democrat, Republican, rank-and-file ♪
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♪ President Trump's impeachment trial ♪
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♪ That I can get in trouble? ♪
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♪ What did I say? ♪
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♪ He was self-impeaching ♪
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♪ Almost every single day ♪
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♪ Come on! Controversial lawyers ♪
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♪ Blast from the past ♪
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♪ Ken Starr is terrific ♪
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♪ Ken Starr is a disaster ♪
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♪ So many things you haven't seen ♪
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♪ The way this baby looks at ice cream ♪
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[ Cheering and applause ] -We have a great show!