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  • -Well, you guys, it seems like there's so much

  • going on right now.

  • The impeachment trial is all over the news.

  • The Grammy Awards are this Sunday.

  • The NFL Pro Bowl is this weekend

  • and we just found out that Mr. Peanut is dead.

  • [ Audience aws ] There's a lot to go over.

  • Let's just jump in and cover it all at once.

  • It's time for a "News Smash."

  • ♪♪ [ Cheering and applause ]

  • ♪♪ [ Applause ]

  • First up, the impeachment trial.

  • The Democrats made their case for three days

  • and, now, we'll hear from the president's lawyers.

  • The two sides are going head-to-head,

  • almost like they're playing in the

  • Pro Bowl.

  • [ Laughter ] Players from the AFC and NFC

  • will square off this Sunday and everyone's excited.

  • It's been a long, grueling season,

  • so the players tend to play it safe

  • because no body wants an injury, especially to their

  • Nuts.

  • [ Laughter ] Planters announced this week

  • that their beloved mascot, Mr. Peanut, is dead.

  • Now, if you wanna see someone rocking a top hat, monocle,

  • cane, or some other crazy outfit,

  • you'll have to tune in to the

  • Grammys. Everyone will be [ Laughter ]

  • on the red carpet, but not without controversy.

  • A former employee says the whole nominating process is rigged.

  • If that's true, someone deserves to be

  • Impeached. The Democrats [ Laughter and applause ]

  • presented a lot of evidence,

  • but Republicans aren't turning on Trump.

  • The chances of him actually being removed from office seem

  • Dead. Mr. Peanut [ Laughter ]

  • met his demise after falling off a cliff.

  • It is a sad day for nuts, but a great day for

  • Sacks. Hopefully, [ Laughter ]

  • there'll be a lot of that at the Pro Bowl in Orlando,

  • which will cap off the NFL's 100th season.

  • Also in its 100th season,

  • the impeachment trial.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Trump claims what he did with Ukraine was perfect.

  • Democrats said he did something wrong,

  • but Trump seems to be feeling

  • Good as hell

  • [ Laughter ] Lizzo is

  • the most nominated artist at the Grammys,

  • thanks to her hit song "Truth Hurts."

  • You know what else hurts?

  • Not making the Super Bowl.

  • [ Laughter ] But that still

  • doesn't hurt as much as

  • Being smashed into a pulp.

  • [ Laughter ] I know it's just a PR stunt,

  • but I hope whoever did this gets caught and put on

  • Trial. So, in conclusion, [ Laughter ]

  • let's get ready to rock.

  • Let's get ready to talk.

  • Let's get ready to yell.

  • We'll always remember your show.

  • [ Laughter, cheering, and applause ]

  • [ Fresh cheering and applause ]

  • Thank you very much.

  • That's right, today it was the last day

  • for Democrats to give their opening arguments

  • in Trump's impeachment trial.

  • And this is nice: At the end,

  • all the House managers got up and sang

  • Green Day's "Time of Your Life."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Something unpredictable

  • And in the end it's right

  • [ Cheering and applause ] No.

  • Democrats --

  • Clearly, we didn't rehearse that.

  • [ Laughter ] Thank you, Roots.

  • I don't know who was more off, me or you.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I know it was me.

  • [ Laughter ] Now that the Democrats are done,

  • Republicans will start their opening statements tomorrow

  • and Trump's already complaining

  • that his defense will start on a Saturday.

  • He tweeted that Saturday is "Death valley in T.V."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump could get removed from office

  • and he's complaining about ratings.

  • [ Laughter ] It's like when Nixon famously said...

  • [as Nixon] I'll resign, but I want "Happy Days"

  • as my lead-in. [ Laughter ]

  • Check this out: I read that Las Vegas is no longer using

  • its famous slogan, "What happens here stays here."

  • They've already come up with a new slogan:

  • "What happens here gets posted on Instagram and you're fired."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This isn't good. I read about a grandmother in San Diego

  • who was just caught with 200 pounds of meth.

  • [ Audience oohs ] Friends knew something was up

  • when she was playing 50 Bingo cards at once.

  • [ Rapid tapping ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well --

  • [ Fresh laughter ]

  • [ Rapid tapping ] No, thank you. Sorry.

  • [ Laughter and applause ] It was already

  • still happening in my brain, yeah.

  • That's like me with Whac-A-Mole, yeah.

  • Well, it's the end of another crazy week

  • and, since there's too much to talk about,

  • instead of giving you a full week in review,

  • we decided to put together a little montage

  • that just focuses on the keywords used this week.

  • It's something we call "This Week in Words."

  • [ Cheering and applause ] ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • Congress, witness, House, subpoena

  • Planters has killed off Mr. Peanut

  • Chiefs and the 9ers

  • Raiders, switches

  • Brad and Jen

  • ♪ I'm back, bitches! ♪

  • Democrat, Republican, rank-and-file

  • President Trump's impeachment trial

  • That I can get in trouble? ♪

  • What did I say? ♪

  • He was self-impeaching

  • Almost every single day

  • Come on! Controversial lawyers

  • Blast from the past

  • Ken Starr is terrific

  • Ken Starr is a disaster

  • So many things you haven't seen

  • The way this baby looks at ice cream

  • [ Cheering and applause ] -We have a great show!

-Well, you guys, it seems like there's so much

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News Smash: Impeachment Trial, NFL Pro Bowl, Mr. Peanut Dies, Grammys

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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