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  • -First of all, congrats.

  • You're gonna be a first-time dad.

  • -Oh, my God, yeah. -This is a big deal.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -It's great. -Well, where are you?

  • Where's your head right now? Where's your headspace?

  • -I don't have -- I'm not having any of the freak-outs

  • or the nervousness that everyone tells me I should be having.

  • -Yeah. -All I am is excited.

  • -Yeah. -And we're about

  • 5, 6 weeks away. Something like that.

  • -Wow. Are you -- -But now that I'm, like,

  • on national television, maybe I am freaking out a little bit.

  • [ Laughter ] -That's right.

  • Sorry about that. -Sort of in real time,

  • I'm like, "Actually, wait. I should be nervous."

  • We are not ready at all.

  • We have a friend of a friend that loaned us a crib,

  • and that's all we have.

  • We have not planned a baby shower.

  • We don't know what we're doing. We are wildly unprepared.

  • I think I am freaking out. -I'm sorry about that.

  • I don't want -- Here's some water right here.

  • I don't want you to freak out. But it is a --

  • It's kind of fun when you have your first child,

  • if you're lucky enough to have a baby.

  • But it's fun that everyone gives you advice.

  • -Yeah. -And everyone gives you books.

  • They give you things.

  • They go, "Don't have them sleep on this type of mattress."

  • -Yeah. -"Don't use these nipples.

  • Use this thing." -I know.

  • -"They're environmentally safe. Use glass --"

  • I go, "Please, just leave me alone.

  • It's my baby." -There's so much.

  • And we're taking these classes. There's --

  • Tonight, after this, I'm doing the third class

  • in the last four days where you just get about

  • a hundred pieces of information in an hour,

  • and I don't know what to do with it.

  • -You have to get your license to have a baby.

  • Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • -Yesterday, we did what was like the baby prep class.

  • And the way we started is, we went around the room,

  • and all you had to do was say your name

  • and how much experience you have with a newborn,

  • like changing diapers or holding babies.

  • Like, just that.

  • So it goes around, it comes to me,

  • and I'm like, "Hi. I'm Kieran.

  • I've held some newborns, friends of mine,

  • and when I was a little kid, I probably helped my mom

  • with diapers and stuff.

  • And I remember holding my little brother Rory."

  • And then, I turn to my wife,

  • and she goes "Hi. I'm Jazz. I hate babies,

  • and I'm terrified of them so I never hold them."

  • [ Laughter ] -Oh, my God!

  • Enh! Wrong answer.

  • "Okay. Let's try it again, Jazz."

  • -What I love about that is that

  • I know she's so happy being pregnant,

  • and she loves this baby.

  • But what she basically said to the room is,

  • "I love my child, but I'm going to hate all of yours."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Anyway, next?" -She's gonna see --

  • You start loving every baby. -I -- Well, maybe.

  • -You do.

  • -I took one look at her when she said that, too,

  • and I was like, "I've never been more in love

  • with anybody in my life." -Yeah, that's true.

  • Yeah. Very good.

  • My advice to you is, don't take anyone's advice.

  • Just go -- -That's the best advice.

  • -Just go and -- It'll all work out.

  • It's great. And no spoilers.

  • No spoilers for you. -Thank you.

  • -Let's talk about "Succession." -Okay.

  • -This is a giant -- Yeah, we got one "whoo."

  • Yeah. -One person saw the show.

  • It's great. -That's good.

  • -And a bunch of liars.

  • -People are obsessed with the show.

  • Did you know it was gonna be a hit when you first did it?

  • -Absolutely not, no. But I never know that.

  • It's weird for me doing a TV show.

  • This the first time I've ever done that,

  • and I've been doing this for 29, 30 years,

  • which is sort of weird to say.

  • I hope that didn't come off as obnoxious, but who cares?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Usually, whenever I do a job, I don't usually care

  • what the perception of it is gonna be,

  • because I'm just like, "I did my part.

  • However people like it is none of my business."

  • Now I'm a little bit like, "I hope people like it,

  • 'cause I want to keep doing it." -Yeah.

  • -So, the fact that people have been liking the show

  • actually feels really nice. It's good.

  • -But, I mean, it's bizarre that people like these characters,

  • 'cause they're awful people.

  • -I'm not sure that they like the characters.

  • They kind of -- There's something about them.

  • They just want to watch them

  • and maybe watch them fail or something.

  • -It's like watching "Dancing With the Stars."

  • You're like... [ Laughter ]

  • ...kind of rooting for them but kind of hoping they're bad.

  • You know? Yeah. -I get multiple times --

  • And I think that they all think they're very original.

  • But people on the street come up to me, like,

  • "Hey, you're on that show." I'm like, "Thanks."

  • Like, "You're an ass [bleep]" Like, "Oh, thank you."

  • [ Laughter ] -There you go.

  • -Yeah. -"My wife's pregnant.

  • Thank you very much." -Walking with her.

  • -"I'm doing my job." -Yeah, it's a character.

  • -You insult some people. I mean --

  • -Oh, yeah. -You go for it.

  • -Oh, there are times when they're just like,

  • "You know what? If you want to,

  • there's a bunch of background actors there.

  • Just, like, rip into them."

  • So, at the end of a take, I'll just start making fun

  • of some guy's beard and yelling at him,

  • and they go, "Cut," and I run over,

  • I'm like, "I'm Kieran, by the way.

  • Like, they asked me to --" -"I am so sorry.

  • That's my character." -"That's Roman.

  • That's not -- yeah." -"That is not me at all."

  • Well, congrats on everything. -Thank you.

  • -I know you're getting a lot of Emmy love,

  • and the show's a hit, and so that's awesome for you, buddy.

  • And congrats more on being a dad.

  • It's gonna be great. Got to come back.

  • -Thank you so much.

  • -We have a clip from "Succession."

  • And we had to bleep out a lot of it.

  • Take a look.

  • -Where's this coming from?

  • -It's coming from dad. -It's coming from us.

  • -No. What? Why are we dancing around?

  • It's coming from dad. Dad's worried about you.

  • -Okay. -I mean, come on.

  • You know how he is. He doesn't get it.

  • He still has a plant out in the Philippines

  • manufacturing Xerox machines but he's [bleep] shrewd.

  • And right now -- Right now, his giant cyclops eye

  • is looking in this direction, and he's feeling like

  • maybe he bought a giant pile of bull [bleep]

  • So now here I am to inquire, in the politest terms possible,

  • what the [bleep] is going on.

  • -There you go. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • You're good. It's not bad.

  • Kieran Culkin, everybody!

-First of all, congrats.

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Kieran Culkin Freaks Out in Real Time About Becoming a First-Time Dad

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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