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  • -You can't even -- You can't handle the --

  • You can't handle the applause.

  • -We're Irish. We don't like that kind of thing. You know that.

  • -I know. I understand that. -And "New York's funny actor."

  • What the hell have I ever been a great actor in?

  • I'm a comedian. Let's just keep it like that.

  • -Dude, you're on stage. I've seen you act. Theater.

  • That's acting, right? What do you think that is you're doing?

  • Yeah. It's a beautiful thing you're doing.

  • -I almost started off in an argument.

  • -You already did. You came -- What's your problem?

  • -My problem is it's a live show. -Yeah.

  • -So then I'm on a live show. -The debates. It's a big deal.

  • -I'm excited. And then they say, "Well, get there like 10:45."

  • I was like, "Oh, so I guess I'll watch part of the debates,

  • myself alone in my apartment,

  • and then come and sit in my dressing room."

  • Like, you could've made this a party atmosphere

  • with pajamas or pizza. I don't know.

  • This should've been like a fun, sleepover-night vibe.

  • -You want me to wear pajamas and watch the debates with you?

  • -You've changed.

  • -I would never normally do that.

  • -No, I knew you when you started at "SNL."

  • "Hey, guys!" All innocent and happy.

  • Now look at ya. "Hey, it's at night.

  • You want me to wear pajamas?"

  • Yeah, I want you have a little playful attitude.

  • -[ Laughs ] Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

  • -This is supposed to be a fun night.

  • -You have not changed at all. You're exactly the same.

  • -Supposed to be a fun party night.

  • -What did you think about the party?

  • -Sitting by myself like an idiot.

  • -What'd you think of the debates?

  • Did anyone stick out at all?

  • -Oh, my G-- Well, first, like you said, Beto O'Rourke was --

  • When he pulled the Tony Montana.

  • "I come from the gutter. I know that.

  • I got nothing but..."

  • -"Say hello to my little friend."

  • -[ Laughs ] Yeah.

  • And I just feel bad for the candidates that nobody --

  • The guys on the side that no one's gonna notice.

  • If I was their strategists, for tomorrow night, you know,

  • you wanna go in so people remember you.

  • Nobody's gonna remember -- Who's that guy?

  • What state's he from again?

  • Like, wearing a tracksuit or something.

  • Everybody's wearing the same suit and tie.

  • I like the guy with the tracksuit.

  • ...go with a neck tattoo or something.

  • -A neck tattoo? Really? Just get people to remember you.

  • -Smoke.

  • -Smoke. What are you talking about?

  • -Everyone's like, "Oh, the guy that smoked."

  • -"I like the guy that smokes." -He's a rebel.

  • Everybody else is talking rebellious.

  • You're sitting there with a cigarette like,

  • "Yeah, that's your policy? All right."

  • -That's unbelievable. Come on.

  • -It's a physical thing, you know?

  • -It is. But I think --

  • I liked -- Inslee wore an interesting tie.

  • He had, like, a teal tie.

  • The other guys wore the same blue ties.

  • -Yeah, I don't think it was appropriate, a teal tie.

  • I don't think they should even be allowed

  • to make teal ties.

  • -In general. -In society.

  • But Miami, I think people are like, you know --

  • Teal is big down there.

  • -Yeah. So they kind of went for like --

  • -Folks, I'm just stretch--

  • I don't know. I didn't know he was going to bring up teal!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Don't want to pressure you people.

  • -You see Trump was tweeting.

  • -If there were pajamas and pizza, they'd be --

  • -Come on. No one's having pizza or pajamas.

  • There's no pizza party tonight. I'm sorry, folks.

  • [ Audience groans ]

  • But we're all going back to Colin's apartment afterward.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Look under your chairs right now. There's a Joe's Pizza.

  • -You're not Oprah. You're not Oprah. Okay.

  • I do like Joe's, though.

  • Were you tweeting at all during the debates or live tweeting?

  • Do you do that?

  • -No, I only tweet to, you know, harass friends of mine.

  • Yeah. I've been on the end of that stick.

  • -But, um, I feel Twitter, obviously, social media

  • is part of our downfall in the sense that we thought --

  • Here's what I think, why the country is so divided.

  • 'Cause we're disappointed in ourselves.

  • Because we thought social media was going to elevate us

  • and make us evolve, and we just use Yelp reviews.

  • That's what we use our freedom of speech for,

  • to review --

  • And freedom of assembly, we just line up for sneakers

  • outside of a...

  • -That's our freedom of assembly?

  • -Yeah. -Oh, my God.

  • -Freedom of vote -- we just eliminate

  • ex-football players from "Dancing with the Stars."

  • Illiteracy. We don't read.

  • Why do we even care about literacy in this country?

  • Nobody reads. We just go on YouTube.

  • Tolstoy probably sold three novels in the last ten years,

  • and 70 million people have seen a wedding party

  • fall off a dock into the water.

  • -I've actually seen that one. -Yes, me too.

  • -It's pretty funny. -It is kind of funny.

  • -But you said freedom of speech also, we've taken it too far.

  • -Yeah, well, freedom of speech

  • was not that great of an idea when you really think about it.

  • Because you can name 30 great speeches since the country began.

  • And so you're right. Freedom of speech works.

  • There have been five.

  • Martin Luther King's speech. The John F. Kennedy speech.

  • And the next three were end-of-the-season monologues

  • on "The Bachelor."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The guy gives the speech to the girls like,

  • "With you, I feel like I can be me,

  • but with her, I feel like I can be the man

  • I'm supposed to be someday.

  • And I do see myself with a wife and kids,

  • and it would only be with you,

  • but you're so perfect, it scares me.

  • That's why I'm giving the rose to her,

  • and I'm sending you home." -That's freedom of speech.

  • -He goes in the back of the limo.

  • "I put myself out there!" What did that speech mean?

  • And they're like, "Don't worry.

  • We're gonna make you the Bachelorette next season."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I feel like you do watch that show, though.

  • -Sadly, I do, yeah. -Yeah, me too. I love it.

-You can't even -- You can't handle the --

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B1 TheTonightShow speech teal freedom pizza tie

Colin Quinn Has Debate Advice for Unknown Democratic Presidential Candidates

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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