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  • -Guys, we are just one week away from Halloween.

  • That's right. Millions of Americans are buying candy

  • for trick-or-treaters, which they will rebuy

  • in six days after they polish it off themselves.

  • That's right. Halloween is on a weekday this year.

  • Parents are like, "You mean, I get to work a full day

  • and walk around for hours in the cold darkness?

  • Wow. Awesome."

  • I love Halloween. There's so many fun costumes,

  • like, sexy nurse, sexy cop,

  • sexy indicted Trump staffer.

  • You know, a fun costume.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • But if you're still looking for a costume, look no further.

  • This year, you can actually dress up

  • as a sexy sold-out Popeyes chicken sandwich.

  • Take a look. This is real.

  • There you go. Yeah.

  • Most people called it ridiculous

  • while the President called the Statue of Liberty and said,

  • "You've been replaced."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Let's get to some news here.

  • Just when it seemed like things in Washington,

  • couldn't get any crazier, check out what happened earlier today.

  • -We start with a bizarre turn on Capitol Hill

  • when as many as two dozen House Republicans,

  • upset over the impeachment inquiry,

  • stormed a secure hearing room.

  • -Yeah, Republicans stormed a closed-door meeting

  • to protest the impeachment inquiry.

  • Even crazier, they used Mike Pence as a battering ram.

  • "Ooh! Ooh!"

  • -"Mother. Mother."

  • -"Mother! Mother! Mother! Ooh, ooh!"

  • The Republicans actually stormed the room as a Pentagon employee

  • was moments away from testifying about Ukraine.

  • 'Cause nothing says completely innocent

  • like storming the room of someone about to testify.

  • "Don't let him talk! Don't let him talk!

  • Get in there, quick. Get in there!

  • Don't let him talk."

  • [ Muffled shouting ]

  • It really turned into an ugly scene among Republicans.

  • I haven't seen that many angry white guys

  • since NBC canceled "Frasier."

  • Things are pretty chaotic in Washington.

  • I read that a lot of reporters think this has been

  • one of the worst weeks of Trump's entire presidency,

  • which is really impressive when you realize it's only Wednesday.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yesterday was really damaging to Trump

  • after a U.S. diplomat, Bill Taylor, told Congress

  • that Trump withheld military funding from Ukraine

  • unless they agreed to investigate

  • his political rivals.

  • I'm not saying Trump is nervous, but when he saw the testimony,

  • he was like...

  • -[ Screaming ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Some 2020 news this week.

  • There have been a lot of reports

  • about how more Democratic candidates are thinking about

  • jumping into the presidential race.

  • It's not clear who exactly is --

  • [ Woman laughing evilly ]

  • H--

  • Hillary Clinton, is that you?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That's right, Jimmy. It's me!

  • And just like Mitt Romney's secret Twitter,

  • I'm always lurking.

  • [ Laughing evilly ]

  • -I'm sorry. Where exactly are you right now?

  • -I'm ever present, Jimmy.

  • Always around you, forever at end.

  • -Yeah, but, really, where are you?

  • -Well, I'm in an air duct, Jimmy.

  • [ Thud ] Oh! Gosh.

  • -All right, well, can we have somebody help

  • Hillary Clinton out of the air duct?

  • -See you in New Hampshire! [ Laughs evilly ]

  • -Oh, my God. I hope you're okay.

  • Hillary Clinton in an air duct, everyone.

  • I think she's up in that one.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Some business news. I saw that Tiffany's

  • just released an advent calendar that costs $112,000.

  • Yeah. Exactly like Jesus intended.

  • -Aww.

  • -Anyway, here it is. This is the real thing.

  • Yeah. It's four feet tall.

  • According to Tiffany's, behind the first three doors

  • are everyday objects

  • like a cup, a clothes pin, and a harmonica.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • If the first three gifts

  • are a cup, a clothes pin, and a harmonica,

  • the fourth better be filled with $111,000.

  • That's all I'm saying...

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • If I'm gonna buy that... -Yeah.

  • [ Applause ]

  • -Well, guys, Pizza Hut is testing

  • environmentally friendly boxes that you can actually compost.

  • It wasn't that hard.

  • The box is made out of pizza from Papa John's.

  • -Oh.

  • Ha ha!

  • -I know. It's good cardboard. It's good cardboard.

  • Speaking of pizza, after 23 years,

  • the Sbarro pizza in Times Square

  • is closing its doors for good this week.

  • [ Audience awws ]

  • I think every New Yorker is feeling a little down about it,

  • so I wanted to take a moment to pay tribute to our old friend.

  • ♪♪

  • Standin' on the corner by the Port Authority

  • And I just heard the news that you're gonna leave

  • Wish you weren't going, but I guess you must

  • Every slice of life always leaves the crust

  • Leaving us alone, and I hate to sound needy

  • But I'm missing your calzone and your baked ziti

  • Can't believe it's over after all these years

  • Gonna need a cup for water and a cup for my tears

  • ♪ 'Cause I would climb Mount Kilimanjaro

  • To get you back, Times Square Sbarro

  • ♪ A 12-inch pie with a side of sorrow

  • Come back soon, Times Square Sbarro

  • ♪♪

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

  • ♪♪

  • Here today, gone tomorrow

  • ♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro

  • Here today, gone tomorrow

  • ♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro

  • Here today, gone tomorrow

  • ♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro

  • Here today, gone tomorrow

  • Want you back, Times Square Sbarro

  • Here today, gone tomorrow

  • ♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro

  • Here today, gone tomorrow

  • ♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro

  • Here today, gone tomorrow

  • ♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro

  • Here today, gone tomorrow

  • ♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro

  • Here today, gone tomorrow

  • ♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro

  • Here today, gone tomorrow

  • ♪ I want you back, Times Square Sbarro

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • ♪♪

-Guys, we are just one week away from Halloween.

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House Republicans Storm Closed-Door Impeachment Hearing

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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