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  • [ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you. Thank you.

  • Thank you. Wow. That is tremendously nice.

  • Thank you very much. Well, happy Thanksgiving.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Alright.

  • Well, I will share this with you --

  • I suffer from OCD, obsessive-compulsive disorder.

  • -Yeah. -Yeah, thank you.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Suffer" -- that word is overused,

  • don't you think?

  • I think the term "suffer" should be reserved

  • for people writhing in agony on the ground.

  • [ Laughter ] They're suffering, you know?

  • Am I allowed to run up to them?

  • "You're preaching to the choir!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I have to alphabetize everything!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Quit wriggling around. I'm trying to count your ribs!"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Laughter continues ]

  • The alphabetizing thing is not true -- at least, in my case.

  • People think I'm weirder than I am,

  • and it's hard for me, you know?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Like, they ask questions, like, "Brian with your OCD,

  • do you have to alphabetize your books at home?"

  • And I'm, like, "Uh, no." [ Laughter ]

  • "I organize my books by when I got them chronologically

  • on the top shelf."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I don't have to alphabetize my books.

  • I'm not a kook.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And the bottom shelf is for the books I finished reading,

  • organized chronologically.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I don't have to alphabetize them. Mnh.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And the middle shelf

  • is for the books I'm in the process of reading.

  • Those are organized chronologically.

  • [ Laughter ] When I start reading a book,

  • I just move it from the top shelf to the middle shelf,

  • and I know exactly what you're wondering --

  • "Well, wouldn't reading the title of the book count

  • technically as being in the process of reading the book?

  • Then how would you distinguish

  • between the top shelf and the middle shelf?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, the way I do it --

  • I make myself read all of page one

  • before I allow a shelf change.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I don't count the introduction or the forward

  • or the book jacket.

  • I do read all of that word for word,

  • but then I make myself read all of page one,

  • all the way to the bottom...

  • unless it ends in the middle of a sentence --

  • I make myself turn the page. [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I finish the sentence to complete the thought.

  • I turn the page back.

  • I write down what date that book was started

  • and move that to the middle shelf

  • furthest on the right.

  • I don't have to alphabetize my books.

  • I'm not out of my mind!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • [ Applause continues ]

  • You know, when I first suspected that I might have OCD,

  • I Googled it.

  • And there are different symptoms,

  • and some I have, and some I don't.

  • And the ones I have, some I have more strongly than others.

  • So I decided to make a color-coded graph.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I wish I was making this up.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I listed the symptoms, and I said,

  • "I'm going to rate from zero to 10

  • how strongly I feel I have each symptom.

  • I'll total it up and divide it by the number of symptoms."

  • [ Light laughter ] "If I'm higher than five,

  • I'll seek professional treatment."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "If I'm under five, I'll self-diagnose that I am A-okay."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Number one -- "Are you the type of person

  • who has to check the stove over and over again

  • to make sure it's off?"

  • And I'm, like, "Uh, zero.

  • That's 'Looney Tunes' land."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Number two -- "Are you the type of person

  • who has to wash your hands repeatedly?"

  • And I had this nagging feeling

  • that I forgot to answer that first question.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So, I looked up. Yeah, I did write zero.

  • Okay, hand washing?

  • [ Laughter ] Six.

  • I'm, like, "That ain't even right."

  • I scribbled that out. I got some ink on my hands.

  • I went to go wash my hands. [ Laughter ]

  • While I'm washing my hands,

  • I'm like, "Why did they mention stove?"

  • So, I checked the stove.

  • [ Laughter ] It was on.

  • I'm like, "I'm never going to make that mistake again,"

  • and I came back, and I changed hand washing to two.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I did the whole test and averaged 5.0.

  • So I'm like, "I still don't know."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • So, I decided to buy a book about it.

  • I got to get to the bottom of it somehow, right?

  • [ Light laughter ] I go into the bookstore.

  • I ask the clerk,

  • "Can you tell me where the self-help section is?"

  • And she said, "Why don't you try to find that yourself?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Audience groans ]

  • Well, I finally found the section.

  • It was so disorganized,

  • I spent the next three hours rearranging all their books,

  • rather than finding out whether or not I have OCD.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Thank you very much.

  • ♪♪

  • Thank you.

  • -Alright.

  • [ Cheers and applause continue ] Come here!

[ Cheers and applause ] -Thank you. Thank you.

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A2 TheTonightShow laughter shelf ocd applause reading

Brian Regan Stand-Up

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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