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  • -You guys, I'm excited about this.

  • Tyler Perry is my guest tonight.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Tyler is so busy, not only is he here now,

  • but he also played every Democrat at tonight's debate.

  • -Really? -Very impressive.

  • That's right. Earlier tonight in Iowa

  • was the first Democratic debate of 2020.

  • Of course, the top candidates are still

  • Joe Biden, Bernie Sanders, and Elizabeth Warren.

  • Can we see them?

  • They look like a '60s folk band

  • that reunited for one final tour.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • The answer, my friend, is blowing in

  • Little Jacky paper

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, I think Joe Biden was a little confused

  • about which TV program he was on.

  • Check out his podium.

  • Yeah, no. Wrong show, Joe.

  • A lot of people criticized the fact

  • that all six candidates on stage were white.

  • But I think it might explain who sponsored tonight's debate.

  • Watch this.

  • -Tonight's Democratic debate

  • is brought to you by Dockers khakis.

  • Now with extra pleats.

  • Oatmilk -- turn anything into milk, and white people buy it.

  • Subaru, perfect for driving your kids, Noah and Charlotte.

  • HGTV -- it's B.E.T. for white people.

  • And, of course, the Oscars.

  • [ Audience ohs ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • And tonight everyone was focused on

  • Bernie Sanders and Elizabeth Warren

  • after Bernie reportedly told her

  • a woman can't win the presidency.

  • Most Americans disagree,

  • while every Oscar voter sided with Bernie.

  • -Really?

  • -I'm surprised Bernie said that to Warren.

  • You think he would have learned his lesson

  • after he said the same thing to Cleopatra.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • But at tonight's debate, it was freezing in Iowa

  • with temperatures reaching 14 degrees.

  • Democrats said they hadn't seen numbers that low

  • since Bill de Blasio was in the race.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Thank you.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Seriously, it was so cold,

  • all the candidates shrunk to the size of Pete Buttigieg.

  • -Really? -Yeah.

  • [ Laughter ] It was so cold,

  • Joe Biden's teeth were chattering on his nightstand.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Hey, I want to say congrats to the --

  • -[ Laughing ] What?

  • -That's how cold it was. -Yeah, yeah. It was a cold one.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -I want to say congrats to the LSU Tigers on winning

  • the college football national championship.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Congratulations.

  • Last night they beat Clemson.

  • And today classes at LSU were canceled.

  • The only thing more empty than an LSU classroom

  • is the movie theater showing "Cats."

  • Wait, what? [ Audience ohs ]

  • -Dang. -I saw that LSU's

  • Heisman-winning quarterback Joe Burrow

  • threw for five touchdown passes last night.

  • Yeah, on one hand -- Yeah. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • On one hand, he's the best player in college football.

  • On the other, he's one step closer

  • to playing for the Bengals.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • President Trump was at the big championship last night.

  • And this was cool.

  • The referees actually used his tie to measure first downs.

  • -Oh. [ Laughter ]

  • -That's right. Trump and Melania were at the game,

  • and they were seen chatting with Vince Vaughn.

  • Take a look.

  • -Yeah. So everyone's been --

  • everyone's been wondering what Vince Vaughn said to Trump.

  • Well, we actually were able to enhance the audio.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And we have it for you now. Here, check this out.

  • -I had an amazing breakfast today.

  • -What did you have?

  • -Let's see, I had a quarter cup of prune juice.

  • -Uh-huh. -Yeah.

  • And an unfrosted Pop-Tart. -I need to try that.

  • But can I use a different juice?

  • -Apple juice works. -What?

  • -Apple juice should work well, too.

  • -Terrific. -Hey, your fly is down.

  • -Thank you, Mr. President.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Wow.

  • -Amazing we got that audio. -Wow, thank gosh.

  • [ Applause ]

  • -Well, you guys, last night

  • was another great episode of "The Bachelor."

  • We love it here and -- [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Yeah. The biggest story was the drama

  • between Kelsey and Hannah Ann.

  • Did you see what went down?

  • Apparently, Kelsey had brought a bottle of champagne

  • from her home in Iowa that she wanted to save

  • for a special moment with Peter, the Bachelor.

  • But Hannah Ann opened it with him instead.

  • Hannah Ann opened it. [ Audience oohs ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Take a look. Take a look.

  • -Hey, I have to say something. It's not okay what you did.

  • I set this up.

  • I brought this bottle from Des Moines.

  • Don't try to play dumb.

  • -I didn't know.

  • -[Bleep] You knew.

  • [ Bleep ] -I didn't.

  • -Tammy just went over here and told me.

  • -Bring Tammy here. -Literally.

  • -Because this was my thing. I set all this up.

  • -I had no idea. I would have never done that.

  • -I've had this -- -I had no idea.

  • -Oh, my God.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Yep. Iowa champagne.

  • Or as it's also known, Budweiser.

  • [ Laughter and applause ] -Hey!

  • -I brought it from my home.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Kelsey really couldn't catch a break

  • 'cause when she finally got to share some champagne with Peter,

  • it didn't go too well. Watch this.

  • -We can drink from the bottle. -Is that okay?

  • -Yeah. -Okay.

  • -I'm not a classy bitch all the time, so it's fine.

  • -There we go. Alright, sure.

  • Oh!

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Whoa! -Oh.

  • -Right then she made history as the first "Bachelor" contestant

  • to be bad at drinking right there.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • This is going viral.

  • A couple in the Philippines just held their wedding ceremony

  • right in front of an active volcano.

  • Check this out. Look at this.

  • Oh, my goodness. [ Audience ohs ]

  • Even worse, the bride had just thought,

  • "God, if this is a mistake, please give me a sign."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Kelsey really liked that joke. -Yeah.

  • -And finally, a weatherman in Calgary wanted to show off

  • how cold it is in parts of Canada right now,

  • so he left his clothes out overnight.

  • Take a look at what happened.

  • [ Knocking ]

  • [ Audience ohs ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Mike Pence calls those jeans relaxed fit.

  • We have a great show.

-You guys, I'm excited about this.

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Jimmy Recaps First Democratic Presidential Primary Debate of 2020

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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