Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • -Thank you for coming back.

  • And thank you for playing that game right there.

  • -The most scary bit about that game was I know I can't spell.

  • And I was like, "Oh, hopefully it's not a big ingredient."

  • And then chocolate came up.

  • And I turned to you, "How do I spell chocolate?"

  • And then you went, "It's got another 'O.'"

  • And I was like, "Where?"

  • -"Chocolato."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I know you have a son. Does your son watch our program?

  • -He doesn't watch my program. -No, yeah, yeah.

  • -I don't let him watch me, what I do.

  • I do horrible stand-up comedy with lots of swear words.

  • And so I don't let him watch.

  • My son's favorite bit of entertainment is fails.

  • I don't know if you're familiar. It's like "Jackass,"

  • but just people on the Internet are doing it.

  • Just people getting hit in the nuts and people falling.

  • And my son think that's great entertainment, right?

  • -That's his favorite. -Yeah, it's his favorite thing.

  • I met Steve-O once. And he's like, "Wow, Dad.

  • You're really hanging in some big circles there."

  • -Steve-O, yeah. -Steve-O. He's like, "Wow.

  • That guy was in a port-a-loo just..."

  • -[ Vocalizing ] Yeah, exactly, yeah.

  • -But -- So, he watches those things.

  • In the morning, he just goes downstairs, watches that.

  • I get ready while he's getting ready for school,

  • and he just watches fails.

  • And, you know, in 2006, I was punched in the head on stage.

  • Someone just ran on stage

  • and punched me in the head for something I said.

  • And that's too long a story to tell right now.

  • But I was punched in the head on stage.

  • -Oh, my goodness. -My son was watching fails.

  • I'm upstairs showering.

  • He just runs upstairs really excited.

  • And he's pointing at me in the shower going,

  • "You're a fail! You're a fail!"

  • And I'm just, like, looking.

  • I'm, like, going, "It could be better,

  • but you're not going to be much better, you know?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -"You're a fail."

  • -See, my son, I'm not with his mother anymore.

  • Me and his mother are very, very close,

  • and she lives just down the road.

  • And I have a girlfriend now. And she has a boyfriend now.

  • And everyone gets along. We holiday together and everything.

  • But, like, her boyfriend is an ex-soccer player

  • who played, I think, in a World Cup.

  • He played for the Ivory Coast alongside Drogba,

  • and he was a real footballer.

  • And I'm not very good at anything but stand-up comedy.

  • Anything -- Anything that involves holding something.

  • Spelling. We noticed earlier.

  • -Holding something.

  • -And so now my son is still at that weird age

  • where he thinks I can do everything.

  • And he's just slowly figuring out that I'm useless, right?

  • -Yeah -- -And so I started --

  • He's like, "Hey, Dad. How do I throw a ball?"

  • And I'm like -- So, the boyfriend's name is George.

  • "Go see George about that. George will have..."

  • So I've delegated all sporting activities off to the other guy.

  • Now, my ex, bless her.

  • She's the loveliest woman in the world.

  • And my son does not lack

  • for hugs and kisses and cuddles and all that.

  • But she cannot discipline. Not at all. Not one little bit.

  • My girlfriend's British. She's like Mary Poppins.

  • She's like, "Spit, spot. Eat your vegetables. Go upstairs."

  • Like that.

  • So me and the ex, we just sit back drinking margaritas going,

  • "These two are doing a better job...

  • [ Laughter ]

  • ...than we could ever do."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -That's the way to do it.

  • -Yeah, it takes a village,

  • and I'm just the village administrator.

  • -The delegator. Absolutely. But how about with your parents?

  • -Oh, I was...

  • My mother actually passed away a couple of months ago.

  • -I'm sorry. -Oh, that's okay.

  • You know, these things happen. But my mom passed away.

  • And my father, he's like 78.

  • My whole life, my mother just yelled at my dad.

  • Every time he went to open his mouth,

  • she'd just go, "Shut up, Gary.

  • You don't know what you're talking about."

  • And my dad would go, "I think there's..."

  • "Shut up, Gary!"

  • And then in the last few years,

  • I started going, "Let him talk.

  • Maybe he has something to say.

  • Just let him get his sentence out."

  • Like this, right?

  • Man, my mum was dead for about two days

  • before we figured out how important she was

  • in the ecosystem of this family.

  • My father's unleashed now.

  • And, uh, he has a lot of opinions.

  • And they're just coming out.

  • Without my mother telling him to shut up,

  • the world's going to a horrible place.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I found out -- My dad hates my politics

  • and doesn't watch my show.

  • He thinks it's dreadful things that I'm saying.

  • My father, who hasn't been to America,

  • told me that there are too many immigrants coming into America,

  • forgetting that I'm an immigrant in America.

  • And he goes, "Oh, you're all right.

  • You're not one of the bad ones."

  • I think that's code for something

  • that my dad's trying to say.

  • I AM one of the bad immigrants. -Yeah.

  • -I'm the reason the other immigrants

  • are bringing the drugs in.

  • You know? It's all supply and demand.

  • Without me, they wouldn't be doing it.

  • You don't want a whole lot of immigrants like me.

  • You'll never get any fruit. You know?

  • I'm the worst. I host a late-night show.

  • Could there be a less important job?

  • No. I mean --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I don't mean you. But...

  • [ Cymbal crash ]

  • -Yeah, of course. -You know what we are.

  • -[ Laughs ] My God. -You know what we are.

  • We dress up in suits and act excited by things.

  • -Did you get -- Did you get your, uh...

  • [ Laughter ]

-Thank you for coming back.

Subtitles and vocabulary

Operation of videos Adjust the video here to display the subtitles

A2 TheTonightShow son laughter punched fail fails

Jim Jefferies Is a Fail to His Son and a Bad Immigrant to America

  • 4 0
    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
Video vocabulary