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  • -Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

  • Thank you so much for tuning in. I appreciate it.

  • What a show we have for you tonight.

  • Gwyneth Paltrow is here.

  • I want to get some face tips from Gwenny.

  • I didn't even call her Gwenny, but anyway I did tonight.

  • Zachary Quinto is on the show.

  • I'm going to talk to Zacky and see what we --

  • I don't really call him Zacky, but you know what?

  • Maybe tonight I will. Who knows?

  • And then Alec Benjamin.

  • Lecy is doing a new song tonight.

  • Let's get to some news.

  • Earlier today President Trump held a press conference

  • in the White House Rose Garden.

  • He was there to sign an executive order

  • on police reform.

  • But when the topic of a coronavirus cure came up,

  • he looks like he got a little sidetracked along the way.

  • Check it out.

  • -These are the people, the best, the smartest,

  • the most brilliant anywhere.

  • And they've come up with the AIDS vaccine.

  • They've come up with, or the AIDS, as you know,

  • there's various things and now various companies are involved.

  • -Yeah, only one problem -- there is no AIDS vaccine.

  • So...

  • You could tell he was just going like,

  • "Don't say it, it's not right.

  • This is not right what I'm about to say.

  • This is not right.

  • I'm just going to say it anyway. AIDS vaccine."

  • That's right, there's no cure for AIDS, but according to Trump

  • if we stop testing for it, cases will go to zero.

  • Well, speaking of, the coronavirus is on the rise

  • in almost 20 states, and experts are worried about a second wave.

  • In spite of that President Trump went on Twitter

  • yesterday morning to brag, saying,

  • "Without testing, we would be showing almost no cases."

  • Which brings us to a new segment called, "That's Like Saying."

  • ♪ -That's like saying

  • -Again, Trump said that if we didn't test for coronavirus,

  • there would be no cases.

  • If we got rid of breathalyzers,

  • we could finally end drunk driving.

  • As long as I don't keep track of what I'm eating, I'm a vegan.

  • My mirror broke,

  • which is granting me the power of invisibility.

  • If you're camping and a bear is coming to steal your food,

  • just close your eyes.

  • You can't see the bear anymore.

  • That means your campsite is free of bear.

  • If I never stand on a scale, I haven't gained any weight,

  • which means right now I weigh zero pounds.

  • Good job, me.

  • ♪ -That's like saying

  • -Meanwhile, Trump is still heading to Tulsa for a rally

  • this weekend despite health officials warning him

  • it could be dangerous.

  • But according to Mike Pence,

  • it sounds like plans for the rally are still up in the air.

  • -What I can tell you is it's all a work in progress.

  • We've had such an overwhelming response

  • that we're also looking at another venue.

  • We're also looking at outside activities.

  • And I know the campaign team will keep the public informed.

  • -Trump already has a good name

  • if it turns into an outdoor festival.

  • He's going to call it COVID-chella.

  • The forecast in Tulsa on Saturday

  • calls for thunderstorms.

  • To stay safe, Trump is going to have Don Jr.

  • standing next to him with a 9-iron.

  • "Put it up higher, Don. Grey cloud."

  • They'll have food, music, and a designated area

  • where you can do your very own Bible photo opp.

  • "You're holding it wrong. You hold it like this.

  • You put your body forward and hold it back, like this.

  • Like a normal person would hold it."

  • Well, guys, due to the pandemic, Walmart is testing a store

  • that only offers self-checkout.

  • And if it's successful, it could be expanded to more stores.

  • It's to limit human interaction and to increase interaction

  • with buttons that thousands of people touch.

  • Don't worry. If you have a problem,

  • one of the 85-year-old greeters

  • will zip right over to reprogram the machine.

  • "Your name is -- Wall -- Mart?

  • Is that right?"

  • "Okay. I'm just gonna go.

  • Yeah, my name is Walmart."

-Welcome to "The Tonight Show," everybody.

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Trump to Hold Rally in Tulsa Despite Health Officials’ Warnings

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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