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  • -You guys, I want to say congrats to the New York Yankees,

  • who are moving on to the American League Championship Series.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • And congrats to the Mets,

  • who are moving on to binge-watch season 8 of "Friends."

  • That's fantastic.

  • Yeah, you could tell the Yankees were feeling good

  • when they popped champagne, lit cigars,

  • and it was only the second inning.

  • That's when I knew something was up.

  • Let's get to some news.

  • Today, the White House stopped an important ambassador

  • from testifying.

  • Yep, Trump told his staff to do whatever it takes

  • to stop anyone from saying anything

  • that could endanger his presidency.

  • And his staff was like, "Okay," and duct taped his mouth shut.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • "Can't stop my Twitter hands."

  • "Get his hands, too! Get his thumbs!

  • Tape his thumbs. He has Twitter thumbs."

  • "Tweet!" That's right.

  • The White House blocked our E.U. Ambassador Gordon Sondland

  • from testifying about the Ukraine scandal.

  • Because nothing says we've got nothing to hide like saying,

  • "We got to hide Gordon."

  • Can we see what Gordon Sondland looks like?

  • Yeah.

  • Looks like an accountant for the Addams family.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • He looks like a guy who rents a Ferrari for his high school reunion.

  • You know that guy?

  • He looks like a lawyer who claims he only collects money if you get paid.

  • You know?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • "And I only take money if you get paid."

  • Weak figure.

  • Apparently, the Ambassador

  • has a bunch of text messages about Ukraine,

  • but the State Department won't give them to Congress.

  • When she heard that, Hillary Clinton was like,

  • "Russia, if you're listen, I hope you're able to find

  • the texts on the Ambassador's phone."

  • Oh, and get this -- I heard that when the whistle-blower

  • testifies before Congress,

  • they might disguise his appearance and his voice,

  • which means there's a good chance the President

  • is about to be brought down by guy dressed as a Minion.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Banana!"

  • And I read that, since the impeachment inquiry began,

  • White House officials have been dodging interviews

  • about the Ukraine scandal.

  • Apparently, they even got their own excuse generator

  • to come up with reasons why they can't talk.

  • I'll show you how it works.

  • For example, when they asked Attorney General William Barr

  • for an interview, he said...

  • [ Electronic beeping ]

  • ..."I would, but I'm working as a John Goodman impersonator."

  • -Oh.

  • Well...

  • [ Applause ]

  • -Next, when they asked Senator Rand Paul, he said...

  • [ Electronic beeping ]

  • ..."I can't move the appointment for my perm."

  • -Makes sense.

  • -You got to keep it tight. -Yeah.

  • -Got to keep it tight! Tight! Tight! -Tight!

  • -Next, when they asked Housing Secretary Ben Carson,

  • he said...

  • [ Electronic beeping ]

  • ..."I'm busy practicing for 'Dancing with the Stars.'"

  • -Oh, well, yeah. -That's going to be good.

  • -Valid excuse.

  • -And, finally, when they asked Rudy Giuliani --

  • Look at that picture. [ Laughter ]

  • -Oh, my God!

  • -When they asked Rudy Giuliani for an interview, he said...

  • [ Electronic beeping ]

  • ..."Sorry, I'm having a colonoscopy as we speak."

  • Wow!

  • -"As we speak."

  • -Wow.

  • -Something's up.

  • -Now, today, Trump had lunch with Vice President Mike Pence.

  • You can tell Trump's paranoid about leaks

  • because, before the meeting, he frisked Pence

  • to see if he was wearing a wire.

  • He's like "Wow, you're like a Ken doll everywhere."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Applause ]

  • "Mother? Mother, get in here."

  • Did you guys see this?

  • China is refusing to broadcast NBA games

  • after the Houston Rockets' GM spoke out

  • in support of Hong Kong's protesters.

  • It's a bad situation 'cause the NBA needs China

  • to grow their fan base and to make their shoes.

  • -Yeah.

  • [ Audience groans ]

  • -It's true, it's true.

  • It's true. -Yeah.

  • -Yeah. -Let's face facts.

  • -Hey, listen to this.

  • To save taxpayer money, the king of Sweden

  • just took away royal status from five of his grandkids.

  • For us, it's a news story.

  • For Eric and Don Jr., it's a preview.

  • Get this -- a British man became the first person

  • to fly around the world in a gyrocopter.

  • Yep. When asked to comment on his flight in a gyrocopter,

  • he said, "Actually, it's pronounced yeero-copter.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Probably...

  • -Didn't know that.

  • -Probably didn't know that. A little over your head.

  • So, no big deal.

  • -Needs to spin.

  • -It's just, my family they've always flown in yeero-copters.

  • That's what you call it.

  • So...no big deal.

  • -Yeah.

  • -And finally, a French town made a world record

  • setting fruit salad that weighed almost 23,000 pounds.

  • When they heard about wasting 23,000 pounds of fruit,

  • Edible Arrangements was like, "Stay in your lane, girl."

  • We have a great show.

-You guys, I want to say congrats to the New York Yankees,

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Jimmy Tries Out Republican Excuse Generator

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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