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  • -You guys, Thanksgiving is just a few days away.

  • And I saw that about 50 million people

  • will be traveling for the holiday.

  • Yeah, here's how that breaks down.

  • 10 million are visiting family,

  • while 40 million are delivering weed to those 10 million.

  • -Wow. [ Laughter ]

  • -Listen to this. According to a study

  • conducted by Motel 6... [ Laughter ]

  • ...people get sick of family during the holidays

  • after about four hours. [ Laughter ]

  • That's interesting. But I prefer to get all my data

  • from the scientists at La Quinta.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • La Quinta.

  • The weather this week is supposed to be so bad

  • that it could mean no balloons at this year's Macy's...

  • [ Audience groans ] ...Thanksgiving Day parade.

  • -Come on! -If you're bummed,

  • think about the guy who spent the last 11 months

  • blowing them up. [ Laughter ]

  • [ Blowing ]

  • -"Oh, come on! You got to be --"

  • [ Imitating balloon deflating ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Imitating balloon squeaking ]

  • [ Squeaking continues ]

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • [ Squeaking continues ]

  • [ Rhythmic squeaking ]

  • ♪♪

  • [ Raspberry ]

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I, uh -- -Pbht!

  • -Thank you.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Steve Higgins, everybody.

  • Steve Higgins.

  • Guys, I heard about a new Thanksgiving recipe

  • where you can cover your Turkey in cheese powder.

  • [ Laughter ] Take a look at this.

  • -Oh. -Yeah.

  • [ Audience groans ]

  • President Trump saw that turkey and was like, "Oh, my God.

  • Who does your makeup?" [ Laughter ]

  • "I love it. You look so healthy.

  • You look so healthy." [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -"So lifelike." -"Wow."

  • But this is fun. Tomorrow, Trump is pardoning

  • a turkey in the White House Rose Garden.

  • Yep, a Turkey is getting a pardon,

  • which is why Rudy Giuliani was just spotted dressed like this.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Just pardon me, please. Just do it.

  • Put me out of my misery, please."

  • But this is true. This year's national

  • Thanksgiving turkeys are staying at a hotel in D.C.

  • Check it out. It's for real.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Even crazier, Eric and Don Jr.

  • are spending a week in a turkey coop.

  • -Wow. -It's unbelievable.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • It's a trade.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Well, the big news from this weekend

  • is that former New York City mayor Michael Bloomberg

  • has officially launched his presidential campaign.

  • His new slogan is -- [ Scattered applause ]

  • His new slogan is "Rebuild America,"

  • which is better than his first slogan --

  • "More popular than De Blasio, less crazy than Giuliani."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I read that Bloomberg is worth around $54 billion.

  • [ Audience "Oohs" ]

  • And he will be financing his own campaign.

  • $54 billion. That is crazy.

  • To put that in perspective, that's like adding up

  • all the money Trump is worth then adding $54 billion.

  • [ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

  • I'm sorry.

  • I'm sorry. $55 billion.

  • Yeah, that's right. [ Laughter ]

  • I think Bloomberg versus Trump would be great.

  • One guy was knighted by Queen Elizabeth in 2014.

  • The other guy had this.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Oh, my goodness. -Come on.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Where'd she go? -"Where'd she go?

  • She went down a wall." [ Laughter ]

  • -Meanwhile, today at the White House,

  • Trump hosted the hero dog

  • that was wounded during the Al-Baghdadi raid.

  • His name is Conan. Check it out.

  • Yeah. [ Audience "Awws" ]

  • It was interesting. When Trump said sit, stay,

  • and roll over, every Republican in Congress started doing it.

  • [ Laughter, cheers, applause ]

  • Of course, the big -- the other big news

  • from the weekend was Trump's 53-minute phone call

  • to "Fox and Friends." Did you hear about this?

  • That doesn't include the first 20 minutes of the call,

  • where Trump kept yelling "Representative."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Representative." [ Laughter ]

  • It was so nuts, Fox News actually ended the call.

  • Fox News ended the call, which means the hosts

  • of "Fox and Friends" were busier

  • than the president of the United States.

  • [ Laughter ] What's going on?

  • During Trump's call into "Fox and Friends,"

  • the hosts had trouble getting a word in.

  • Check this out. -But, Mr. President,

  • can I ask you -- -It's like a massive wall.

  • Yes. -Who -- who --

  • -Why aren't they putting up money?

  • Don't forget, don't forget --

  • -President Obama released every--

  • -Brian, it's a scam. -Okay, gotcha.

  • So Mister -- -And now on top of it --

  • -On the economy -- -I got that.

  • President Xi -- -But listen.

  • Rebuilding the military.

  • And he wants to make a trade -- -If I could just --

  • -Look, Brian, one thing -- -Okay.

  • -Before I get off -- [ Laughter ]

  • -That went on -- That went on forever.

  • Take a look.

  • -More people working today than ever before.

  • [ Laughter ] In fact, listen to this.

  • We have now the greatest economy.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Unbelievable.

  • Well, this is interesting. A new poll came out that said

  • most Americans are still undecided --

  • -Yeah. You know who's dope?

  • -What's that? -You know who's dope?

  • -I'm sorry, uh, no. Who?

  • -Former mayor of New York and current lawyer

  • for the Trump crime family, Rudy Giuliani.

  • -That's right. -I don't know about that, guys.

  • -Hear us out. Yes, Giuliani's at the center

  • of the Trump bribery scheme. -Mm-hmm.

  • Apparently, he tried to pressure Ukraine

  • into investigating Joe Biden, a potential political opponent

  • of Trump in 2020.

  • Is the evidence overwhelming? Absolutely.

  • -But we say, "So what?" -Mm-hmm.

  • -You see, we got to -- We got a chance to meet

  • Rudy Giuliani while we were en route to make a movie

  • in a third-world country. -Mm-hmm.

  • -Cleveland. -Mm-hmm.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -And guess what. He took a selfie with us.

  • -Oh, my God. [ Laughter ]

  • -Is taking a selfie enough for us to look past

  • his potentially criminal wrongdoing?

  • -Yes. Yes, it is. [ Laughter ]

  • -In fact, he said if we help him set up his podcast,

  • he'd pay us $10,000 a week.

  • That's $10,000 more than you pay us, Jimmy.

  • -Yep. [ Laughter ]

  • -And not only that, Giuliani even asked us

  • for some advice on his pending criminal investigation.

  • -You see, we studied the law. We learned about the intricacies

  • of the law from institutions like NYU, Duke, and the streets.

  • -Mm-hmm. [ Laughter ]

  • -And given our legal expertise,

  • we guaranteed Rudy he wouldn't see any jail time.

  • -Just prison time. -Mm-hmm.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Definitely prison time.

  • -So to our best friend Rudy, we say thanks for the selfie.

  • And while you're in prison, you probably should be as nice

  • to the brothers you locked up. -Mm-hmm.

  • -They will kill you. -Yeah.

  • [ Laughter ] -Thanks, Rudy.

  • -Thank you, Rudy. -All right, give it up

  • for Giuliani's best friends, the Lucas brothers.

  • Thank you, guys. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • One selfie.

  • Some entertainment news.

  • This weekend, "Frozen 2" made over $130 million.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Which is why Elsa just announced she's running for President

  • and financing her own campaign. [ Laughter ]

  • Some more movie news -- I saw that Daniel Craig

  • said that he's done playing James Bond.

  • And the news has left fans shaken.

  • ♪♪

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • [ Both laugh ]

  • The American Music Awards --

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The American Music Awards were last night,

  • and everybody's talking about Lizzo's tiny purse.

  • Did you see -- Check this out.

  • Look at that. Oh, my.

  • -Come on. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -It looks small to us,

  • but Kevin Hart calls that a backpack.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Meanwhile, Spirit Airlines would still charge you 25 bucks

  • to bring that on board. [ Laughter ]

  • And this is fun -- when she opened it up,

  • Michael Bloomberg popped out. -Wow.

  • -Yeah, that's right. [ Laughter ]

  • -This made me laugh.

  • Elon Musk just introduced the new Tesla truck.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Unfortunately, things didn't go so well showing off

  • the shatter-proof glass windows.

  • Take a look at this.

  • -Sure? -Yeah.

  • -Oh, my [bleep] God.

  • Well...

  • maybe that was a little too hard.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -Everyone who signed up for Elon's rocket to Mars

  • was like, "Eh, never mind. You know what?

  • I'm just gonna..." [ Laughter ]

  • Oh, this is fun. Over the weekend,

  • there was a "Sopranos" convention in New Jersey.

  • It was a lot of fun. There were people in track suits

  • smoking cigars, eating gabagool.

  • Then, next door to that was the "Sopranos" convention.

  • -Oh. [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -"What's going on? What are they doin' over there?

  • What are they doin'?"

  • Finally, this isn't good.

  • It just came out that Romaine lettuce

  • has been linked to an E. coli outbreak.

  • On the bright side, it looks like I'm just

  • one salad away from losing all that Thanksgiving weight.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] We have a great show!

-You guys, Thanksgiving is just a few days away.

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The Lucas Brothers Interrupt Jimmy's Monologue to Defend Rudy Giuliani

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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