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  • -Tiffany, here's how we're going to do this.

  • We're each going to take a turn telling a story

  • to our audience about one topic.

  • And tonight's topic is the holidays.

  • -Okay. -Okay.

  • So, since you're my guest, I'm going to give you

  • the honor of watching me go first.

  • Take your place over there. -Hi, guys.

  • I'm gonna let y'all look at me from the back.

  • -Alright, the holidays.

  • I'm trying to think. Okay, story about the holidays.

  • I could tell this one embarrassing story

  • that happened to me.

  • I went home.

  • I grew up in Upstate New York -- Saugerties, New York.

  • So, I was on "Saturday Night Live"

  • and I'd go visit my parents all the time.

  • And when I went, I'd just like to stay home.

  • I didn't really like -- My mom was always like,

  • "Let's go out for dinner.

  • Let's go to a restaurant. Let's go out for dinner."

  • I go, "I don't want to go out for dinner,

  • because I came home.

  • I want a home-cooked meal.

  • And I just don't want to do anything."

  • So she goes, "Let's just go out."

  • So, she liked to, like, show me off

  • because I was on "Saturday Night Live" or whatever.

  • And I go, "If we do go out, just don't make a big deal.

  • I don't want to draw attention or do anything special.

  • I just want to go out and just have a fun thing."

  • Like, don't embarrass me.

  • Like, "I'm not going to embarrass you. What?"

  • I go, "Already, you already have kind of an attitude."

  • So, I go, "Alright." So, we go out.

  • And we're out to -- We go to this restaurant and we sit down.

  • And she goes, "I'm not sure if I really like this table."

  • I go, "Don't you start."

  • And we're sitting here. This is where we're sitting.

  • So, we're sitting there, and she goes, "Okay, whatever."

  • So, she looks at the menu, and we order.

  • So, it's me, my dad, and my mom.

  • And the waiter -- The server comes over later

  • and brings my dish, my dad's dish, but not my mom's dish.

  • So she goes, "What's going on?"

  • And they go, "Sorry.

  • We just -- we're doing it right now.

  • We'll bring it as soon as it's ready."

  • And so she's like, "Oh, my God. Okay. Oh, my God.

  • Okay, fine." And I go, "It's no big deal.

  • Don't make a big thing." And, you know, whatever.

  • So, finally, she goes -- We're waiting,

  • actually waiting a pretty long time.

  • She goes, "I'm not going to eat."

  • "Don't you -- Please don't do this now."

  • She goes, "I'm not going to eat the dinner."

  • I go, "Just eat it. It's going to be fine.

  • Please. Look, here it comes." So, it comes out.

  • She goes, "I'm not sure.

  • I don't think I'm going to eat it."

  • I go, "Mom, just please. Just do it. Just take a bite."

  • So, anyways, she takes a bite. So, we're sitting there.

  • She takes a bite and she goes...

  • I go, "Oh, no, no. Are you -- are you choking?"

  • And, so, she goes... My dad stands up.

  • My dad puts his finger in my mom's mouth.

  • And he's trying to pull the lamb out of her mouth.

  • And then a woman from

  • the other end of the restaurant runs over.

  • She goes, "I'm a nurse" and starts knocking tables over

  • and then gets to my mom.

  • And she gives my mom the Heimlich.

  • And her sounds -- My mom never made these sounds.

  • My mom was going like...

  • And then this lamb ball comes flying out of her mouth.

  • And this woman saves my mom's life.

  • And she sits down and she's, like, crying.

  • And I looked at her and I go,

  • "Thank you for not embarrassing me."

  • [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪

  • Crazy.

  • -So, my holiday story is a little different.

  • When I was about 7, we had a Christmas.

  • Like, we didn't really celebrate Christmas.

  • And my stepdad -- I guess he decided that

  • we deserved a Christmas.

  • So, we all went to bed, and the next day, we wake up.

  • And there's a tree in the living room,

  • and there's toys everywhere.

  • And me and my sister are like, "Oh, my!

  • Oh, this is so cool!"

  • And we -- I got a bike.

  • And so I decided I would ride my bike.

  • And I rode my bike all the way to the liquor store,

  • 'cause I wanted some pickles and Kool-Aid.

  • And, I mean, you ain't lived till you got --

  • you got a pickle and then you dip it in the Kool-aid

  • and then you eat it.

  • Oh, that's the ghetto delight. And it's a delicatessen.

  • So, anyways, we get to the liquor store,

  • and it's closed 'cause it's Christmas Day.

  • And, apparently, liquor stores aren't open

  • in the hood on Christmas Day.

  • Why? I don't know.

  • But we get back on our bikes

  • and then we ride back to the house.

  • And when we get back to the house,

  • my mom and my stepdad are arguing.

  • And my mom was like, "Why did you buy these toys?

  • We need to pay the rent.

  • How could you buy all the toys and not pay the rent?"

  • He's like, "I felt like the kids deserved toys."

  • And she's like, "No, the kids deserve a roof over their head.

  • That's what they deserve."

  • And, so, they was arguing and stuff.

  • And I was playing with my Rainbow Brite like, "Whatever."

  • And... [ Laughter ]

  • I was happy.

  • But then they really argued, like, all night long,

  • and it really got on my nerves and I became unhappy.

  • So -- And then a week later, we got an eviction notice,

  • so boo Christmas.

  • [ Cheers and applause ] ♪♪

  • -Come on. Boo Christmas. That's how you do it.

  • -Boo Christmas. -Boo Christmas.

-Tiffany, here's how we're going to do this.

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A2 TheTonightShow mom christmas liquor kool kool aid

Storytime with Tiffany Haddish: Holidays

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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