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  • -New York, New York, New York.

  • All right, calm down. Calm down.

  • I got to catch the 2 train in a minute.

  • I'm 26.

  • Yeah, I'm an adult now.

  • I don't like it. I don't like it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I was tricked.

  • My mom told me, "When you get grown,

  • you can do whatever you want to do."

  • That's not true. [ Laughter ]

  • When you're grown, you can do whatever you can afford to do.

  • That's different. [ Laughter ]

  • Paying bills.

  • I miss free fun. I miss free fun.

  • I miss playing tag because I was never it.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • All my friends knew if I was it, that was it.

  • That's the end of the game.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I'm not chasing you around no neighborhood.

  • The living room, maybe. Not the neighborhood.

  • I'm not chasing you around the neighborhood.

  • I hated freeze tag.

  • It's got to be the dumbest game ever.

  • They only play it on the hottest day.

  • Tag, you can't move. Like, wait, wait.

  • You couldn't have froze me in the shade over there?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm-a thaw out over here. I don't know if you know.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I hung out with everybody. I don't care about your race.

  • I don't care, you know.

  • White, black, I don't care.

  • My favorite friend was white, named Tanner.

  • Yeah. [ Laughter ]

  • Tanner had the best post-play snacks.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • One time we was playing at his house,

  • he pulled out some Lunchables.

  • And it messed me up because I didn't even know

  • you could eat Lunchables at home.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • I thought you had to be in school to eat Lunchables.

  • [ Applause ]

  • I was so excited.

  • I ate two semesters worth of Lunchables at his house.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Yeah. It was a new experience. That's what life's about.

  • New experiences.

  • That's where, I think, racism comes from --

  • lack of experiences or doing stuff with other people.

  • Do your favorite thing with other races.

  • I was blessed to do that as a kid growing up.

  • Like, my favorite thing to do growing up was sleepovers.

  • Remember sleepovers?

  • Yeah, go over somebody else's house,

  • mess their stuff up, then go home.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I remember the first time I slept over Tanner's house.

  • It was amazing. I learned so much about --

  • I didn't know you can make

  • so much noise at white people's house

  • and their parents don't get mad.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • It's 3:00 in the morning.

  • All you hear is Tanner's dad go, "Tanner, what in tarnations?"

  • I was like, "Hold on. What's tarnations?"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Tanner was like, "I'm sorry, Father.

  • We're just playing a game of tag."

  • His dad got mad. He was like, "Without me?"

  • [ Applause ]

  • He said, "Okay, I got something for you busters 'cause I'm it.

  • One, two."

  • And I just froze.

  • Yeah, I never heard no black parent count up.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Unh-unh.

  • But they will count down on you fast.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And my mama was so gangster, she would count and name a chore

  • that better magically be done in between each number.

  • She'd just start out threatening everybody like,

  • "Y'all got five seconds to be in that bed.

  • And I'm talking about in the bed,

  • not on your way to the bed, not by the bed.

  • I'm talking about I want knees in sheets.

  • Five.

  • And your clothes better be ironed for school

  • in the morning too. [ Laughter ]

  • Four.

  • And your teeth better be brushed.

  • Three.

  • And there better be some gas in my car

  • 'cause if there ain't no gas in my car --"

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Like, I'm in kindergarten. That ain't got nothing to do with me.

  • [ Applause ]

  • Learn, people, man.

  • You got to learn about being with them.

  • Like I know, as a young black kid,

  • I grew up thinking white kids didn't get whoopings.

  • And that's not true. [ Laughter ]

  • It's not white kids don't get physical whoopings,

  • but it be mental. [ Laughter ]

  • White parents say stuff to their kids

  • that they need counseling before they hit 33.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • But you wouldn't know that if you're not there.

  • I'm at Tanner's house.

  • I don't know what he did at school,

  • but his daddy would snap. He was like, "You know what?

  • This is some real malarkey, pal."

  • I said, "Oh."

  • He said, "Jesus H. Christ."

  • I say, "Hold on, Jesus got a middle name? I didn't --"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • That's when I knew it was over.

  • He was like, "You know what, Tanner?

  • I'm so -- I'm so mad at you.

  • Your grandfather's probably

  • turning over in his grave right now."

  • I said, "Damn." [ Laughter ]

  • What can you actually do

  • for somebody to turn over in their grave?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Like, can you imagine that?

  • Oh, he just failed Spanish again.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Como se dice? Como se dice?

  • It made me think, because my grandaddy got a messed-up hip.

  • So somebody got to go down there and help him turn over.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I'm Leonard Ouzts.

  • Thank y'all so much. I appreciate you.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Thank you. Thank you.

  • Leonard Ouzts! Leonard Ouzts!

  • See him Thursday nights starring in "Abby's" on NBC.

  • Very funny show.

-New York, New York, New York.

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Leonard Ouzts Stand-Up

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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