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-I was running a bit behind today,
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so I thought if you guys wouldn't mind,
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I'd just like to write out
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my weekly thank-you notes right now. Is that okay?
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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It's Thursday. -Thursday.
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-Thursday is when I write out my thank-you notes.
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-Yeah, Thursday is thank you note day.
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-Yes. That's correct, it is. Yeah.
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James, can I get some thank-you note writing music, please?
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[ Melancholy music playing ]
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He's always in a good mood.
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-Wow. -He's always in a good mood.
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-It is like he's wishing you happy birthday with his eyes.
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[ Laughter ]
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[ Melancholy music playing ]
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-Thank you, "Ad Astra",
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for looking like a great sci-fi movie
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but sounding like a new 24-hour allergy medication.
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[ Laughter and applause ]
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-Ask your doctor about "Ad Astra."
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-May cause sneezing.
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[ Melancholy music playing ]
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Thank you, Sean Spicer's debut
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on "Dancing with the Stars" -- -Oh.
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-For looking like a highlighter going through a mid-life crisis.
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[ Laughter and applause ]
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-How about neon green? -What is going on?
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-God. Oh, my God.
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[ Melancholy music playing ]
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-Thank you, Bernie Sanders,
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saying he'll release his medical records.
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Or, as Bernie put it,
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"And you thought the Mueller report was long.
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I've been alive since 1863!"
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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[ Melancholy music playing ]
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-Thank you, people who say "autumn" instead of "fall,"
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for being the same people
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who won't stop talking about traveling abroad
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in Bar-the-Lona.
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[ Laughter and applause ]
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Come on. -Come on.
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-Barcelona.
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"Oh, we had such a great time in Bar-the-Lona."
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[ Laughter ]
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[ Melancholy music playing ]
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Thank you, 25th anniversary of the TV show "Friends" --
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[Cheering and applause]
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Or the 26th if you're counting that year
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that we were on a break!
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[ Cheers and applause ]
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-Nice call back.
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-Thank you.
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[ Melancholy music playing ]
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Thank you, people singing the national anthem
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at sporting events,
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for answering the question,
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"What would it sound like to hear 30,000 people
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mumble the word 'ramparts'"?
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[ Laughter ]
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O'er the... [Mumbling]
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What's a -- What's a rampart?
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-Rampart? -What's a rampart?
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-Do you know what a rampart is?
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-It's like a, uh, ramp...
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that leads up to a battlement.
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-No, that is not true. -What is it?
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-I do know what it is. No, it's for real.
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-Is it part of a ramp? A ramp part?
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-No.
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Rampart, one word.
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"O'er the ramparts we watched." Right?
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-Right. Yeah, sure.
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-It's a protective wall around a fort.
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-Yes, that's usually at a raked angle.
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[ Laughter ]
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-That's true, but I mean --
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[ Laughter ]
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-To deflect cannon shells. -Yes, that's correct, but it --
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-More the angle the wall, the thicker the cannon shells.
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-Yes. So you're saying it is a ramp?
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-A ramp -- a part of a ramp.
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[ Laughter ]
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I thought it was "Rampart: First Blood."
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Is that not it? -No. That's just --
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No, "Rambo: Last Blood."
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-I just lost 10 grand.
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[ Laughter ]
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-You got to stop gambling. -To James.
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-Bet James 10 grand. -You bet James $10,000?
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-Yeah. I feel like a fool.
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[ Laughter and applause ]
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[ Melancholy music playing ]
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-Thank you, President Trump,
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for holding a rally in New Mexico.
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Or as you would first put it, "Wait, there's a new Mexico?
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We have to build a wall now!
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[ Applause ]
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We have to build --
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We have to build a rampart.
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-Yeah. [ Laughter ]
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We got to build a rampart..." -A virtual rampart.
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-"...that fries eggs."
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-"It is a virtual wall." -"Fries eggs and bacon.
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[ Sizzling ]
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Very loud wall.
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A sizzling wall."
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[ Laughter ]
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[ Melancholy music playing ]
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Thank you, motion-activated bathroom lights
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that randomly turn off,
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for making me feel like I'm landing a 747
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with my pants around my ankles.
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[ Laughter and applause ]
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Come on. Turn it back on. -Come on!
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[ Laughter and applause ]
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-You have to stand. -What was that?
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[ Laughter ]
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[ Melancholy music playing ]
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Thank you, restaurant checks that show suggested tip amounts,
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for basically being a multiple-choice question
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that asks, "How cheap are you?"
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Thank you very much. Those are my thank-you notes.