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  • -You guys, the one-and-only Reese Witherspoon

  • is my guest tonight.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Her new Apple TV+ show comes out on Friday.

  • Between that and Halloween, it's a huge week for Reeses.

  • -Oh.

  • -That's right, Halloween is just two days away,

  • and NASA says the Hubble Telescope spotted

  • a pair of galaxies that look like a spooky face.

  • Take a look at this. Ooh! See that?

  • They've already come up with a name for the formation --

  • Rudy Giuliani.

  • Well, Halloween is almost here, and people everywhere --

  • -Hey, Jimmy.

  • Sorry to interrupt, but, yes, I'll do it.

  • -You'll do what? -The song.

  • I mean, Halloween is the biggest weekend of the year for me.

  • You do want to hear my hit song, "Full-Sized Bars," right?

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -I've actually -- I've never heard of

  • that song or you, actually.

  • -Hit the track. Can you hold this?

  • ♪♪

  • -♪ Every neighborhood has got that one cool house

  • That does Halloween right

  • They never give out raisins or licorice

  • And they don't mess with fun size

  • They give out full-sized bars

  • They give you a full-sized bar

  • Feeling like I went on "Oprah" and she gave me a car

  • With your full-sized bars

  • Thanks for the full-sized bar

  • They got the full-sized bars

  • -You stopped playing the keyboard.

  • -♪ And I'll make sure no teenagers ever T.P. your yard

  • ♪ 'Cause of full-sized bars

  • Thank you. Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • This is for you. -Thank you.

  • -I'm off to Madison Square Garden now.

  • -You're doing Madison Square Garden?

  • -No, I have tickets to Bob Seger.

  • I'll catch you later. -Here, take this with you.

  • -No, that's yours, too. That's yours.

  • Good night. Thank you. [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Eight bars. -We just let that dude in here.

  • Yeah.

  • "Full-sized bars." What is he talking about?

  • Let's get to some news here.

  • The big story -- Who was that guy?

  • I didn't even get his name. -I don't know.

  • -Let's get to some news.

  • The big story in Washington is -- this morning,

  • an Army officer gave first-hand testimony

  • about Trump's call with Ukraine.

  • The officer's name is Lieutenant Colonel Alexander Vindman,

  • and he's an Iraq War veteran.

  • He has a Purple Heart and he has a Harvard degree.

  • Or, as Trump put it, "Who are you going to believe?

  • Him or me?"

  • In his testimony,

  • Vindman confirmed the whistleblower's report,

  • and now a lot of people think the walls

  • are starting to close in on Trump.

  • In response, trump was like, "How could you do this to me,

  • walls, after all we've been through?

  • Come on, walls."

  • I guess I... [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Full-sized bars

  • You get a full-sized bars

  • And na-na-na-na, na-na

  • Full-sized bars

  • Pretty good song. I like it.

  • I'm starting to like it.

  • I read that Trump is expected to headline a Republican fundraiser

  • at Disney World in December.

  • Yep, the plan is for Trump to visit The Hall of Presidents,

  • switch places with the robot, and let him get impeached.

  • -Oh. -That's right.

  • Trump is going to Disney World.

  • He's even going to go to Epcot

  • and ask every country for dirt on Joe Biden.

  • Trump's going to go from getting booed at the World Series

  • to getting booed by Donald Duck.

  • [ As Donald Duck ] Lock him up! Lock him up!

  • -That's what he'd say.

  • -Lock him up! Lock him up!

  • -Where's that guy? Is he still around?

  • Where's that singer guy?

  • -I think he's visiting a full-sized bar right now.

  • -He's left -- Oh, an actual -- -Yeah, an actual full-sized bar.

  • -Yeah, I smelled a little whiskey on him or something.

  • Yeah. Finally, I saw that Walgreens is opening up

  • 100 Jenny Craig outlets inside their stores.

  • That's pretty cruel, making people walk through

  • an aisle full of Halloween candy before going into a Jenny Craig.

-You guys, the one-and-only Reese Witherspoon

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Army Officer Testifies Against Trump in Ukraine Impeachment Scandal

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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