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  • -You guys, I'm so excited about this.

  • Jennifer Lopez is my guest tonight!

  • -Oh, come on! [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Jennifer is so busy this week.

  • Not only is she hosting "Saturday Night Live,"

  • but she was just asked to perform the halftime show

  • at Trump's impeachment.

  • Isn't that amazing? Unbelievable.

  • That is the big news this morning.

  • Nancy Pelosi held a press conference

  • and said that the House will officially draft

  • articles of impeachment against President Trump.

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Then to lighten the mood, she brought out Justin Trudeau

  • to tell a few "yo' president's so dumb" jokes.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • During her press conference,

  • Pelosi said that she prays for Trump.

  • And then Trump responded on Twitter and said

  • that he doesn't believe her.

  • And God heard that, and He was like,

  • "Oh, man, am I gonna have to testify, too?

  • I mean, what's -- come on." [ Laughter ]

  • Yep, the House is moving forward with impeachment.

  • And now it's looking like Trump

  • could be impeached before Christmas.

  • But, if he behaves, Nancy will let Trump

  • open one of his charges on Impeachment Eve.

  • -Aww. [ Laughter ]

  • -At the end of Pelosi's press conference,

  • a reporter asked if she hated Trump.

  • And she was not having that question at all.

  • Take a look.

  • -Do you hate the President, Madame Speaker?

  • Because representing -- -I don't --

  • I don't hate anybody.

  • I resent your using the word "hate" in a sentence

  • that addresses me.

  • Don't mess with me when it comes to words like that.

  • [ Audience cheers ]

  • -Trump saw that

  • and then a little bit of pee ran down his leg.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • I love that. That was great.

  • Tonight at the White House,

  • Trump lit the national Christmas tree.

  • That's right.

  • Of course, Trump refused to light it until the crowd

  • admitted the call with Ukraine was perfect.

  • "Just say it. Just say it was perfect.

  • Or else I won't plug these two in, ever.

  • The male plug and the female plug.

  • They won't have electrical intercourse unless you say --"

  • [ Laughter ]

  • If you want to watch

  • the national Christmas tree lighting,

  • it will be televised in four days

  • on the Ovation Channel and Reelz.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • No offense, but you can find the whistleblower faster

  • than you can find the Ovation Channel and Reelz.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Is that channel 36125.3? Okay."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Well, this is getting a lot of attention.

  • Joe Biden just released a new campaign ad

  • that includes the footage of world leaders mocking Trump.

  • That was fast.

  • That's like when a team wins the Super Bowl

  • and there's instantly a commercial

  • to buy their Super Bowl merchandise.

  • It's like, "Hey, that just happened. How did you know?"

  • Yep, Biden has called Trump the laughingstock of the world.

  • When he heard that,

  • Rudy Giuliani had to change his Twitter bio.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Speaking of Biden, he just said that he would consider

  • Kamala Harris as a potential running mate.

  • Yeah, Joe said that when it comes to finding a mate,

  • he's gonna take it on a taste by taste basis.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Hey, have you guys seen that Peloton commercial?

  • The husband gives his wife an exercise bike for Christmas.

  • Well, Peloton just released a statement

  • saying that they stand behind that ad.

  • A company spokesman said, "Our holiday commercial was inspired

  • by all the stories we hear about people's lives

  • changing after getting a Peloton bike.

  • We're always looking to celebrate

  • customers' fitness journey."

  • They went on.

  • He said, "Heck, I'm getting my own wife

  • an exercise bike for Christmas.

  • Not that you need it, honey. Ha, ha, ha, ha."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then he added, "For real, though.

  • I got to step my game gift up after last year.

  • She really didn't like that scale I got her."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "Just trying to give her something

  • she didn't already have."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then they said, "But I'll admit that Spanx were a bad gift.

  • That one's on me. That one's on me.

  • I saw them at the store.

  • I didn't know that they were for hiding tummies.

  • Not that my wife even has a tummy,

  • which I wouldn't care about if she did."

  • And finally, they said, "Anyways, I'm sure my wife

  • will love the Peloton bike I'm getting her this year.

  • She and her new boyfriend have tons of room at their place.

  • They'll love it." [ Cheers and applause ]

  • Happy holidays.

  • Happy holidays to everyone.

  • Listen to this.

  • There's a new restaurant in Malaysia

  • that serves airline food.

  • It's so authentic that while you're waiting to order,

  • they slam a drink cart into your knee.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And get this. At an art fair in Miami,

  • a banana that's duct-taped to a wall just sold for $120,000.

  • It's crazy.

  • You can get that same banana at Whole Foods for just $110,000.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • $120,000 for a banana taped to a wall?

  • But this is nice.

  • The buyer also got a certificate

  • authenticating that they're a moron.

  • [ Light laughter ]

  • [ Rim shot ]

  • You didn't like that joke because why?

  • Why? -Why?

  • -Is it because you think that the seller's a moron or the --

  • or it just didn't read right?

  • [ Laughter ]

  • What was the joke again? I thought it was funny.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You got $100,000 -- $120,000 they bought a banana, yeah?

  • -Right. -Okay.

  • -Taped to a wall. -This is nice.

  • Also, the buyer also gets a certificate

  • authenticating that they are officially a moron.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Sorry, I just added the word "official."

  • -That's a good joke.

  • -Well, if it's a good joke, then why is no one laughing at it?

  • -Well, they can't all be winners.

  • -What? -They can't all be winners.

  • -Yeah, but you just said it was a good joke.

  • -It is a good joke.

  • Hey, man, "Shawshank Redemption" didn't make any money

  • at its first release, man.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • You know what I'm saying?

  • "Shawshank Redemption" is a good movie.

  • -No. That's a bad analogy.

  • That got as many laughs as the joke did.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Rim shot ]

  • Anyway, I'm gonna hang the banana in my living room.

  • -Oh, it's beautiful. [ Laughter ]

  • -It's a beautiful -- [ Cheers and applause ]

  • A beautiful piece of art.

  • You don't know me! You don't know me!

  • And finally, I don't know about this.

  • I just saw that a man just got a tattoo

  • of baby Yoda drinking a White Claw.

  • Check this out. This is real.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • When he saw that, even the guy with the tattoo

  • of a furby drinking crystal Pepsi

  • was like, "That's not gonna age well."

  • We have a great show.

-You guys, I'm so excited about this.

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B1 TheTonightShow laughter trump impeachment joke banana

House Representatives Draft Articles of Impeachment Against Trump

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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