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  • -Earlier tonight, the NFL season kicked off with

  • the Green Bay Packers taking on the Chicago bears.

  • Everybody was excited.

  • Now we get to watch football, and, more importantly,

  • we get to drink in the middle of the week!

  • Yes! [ Cheers and applause ]

  • That's right -- tonight was the big Packers-Bears game.

  • Both teams played great, but in the end,

  • the big winner between the two cities

  • was once again Pepto-Bismol.

  • But right now, the Kansas City Chiefs are

  • the big favorites to win the Super Bowl,

  • while the biggest underdogs are the Miami Dolphins.

  • Yeah, the Dolphins are 500-to-1 long shots to win it all.

  • You can tell they're depressed.

  • When they run out of the tunnel,

  • the music in the stadium is Adele.

  • Seriously, I am so pumped that football is back.

  • For once, it'll be nice to see someone fumble

  • that isn't Joe Biden.

  • Speaking of Biden, did you guys see him

  • on CNN's town hall last night?

  • This is real. It was crazy.

  • He was onstage, and he just started bleeding from his eye.

  • I swear. Check out -- This is real.

  • Look at this.

  • I don't know if he wants to be President

  • or the next Bond villain.

  • "I think climate change is real, Mr. Bond.

  • No more straws for you, Mr. Bond.

  • The turtles will see to that."

  • But back to football.

  • I saw that the Eagles' offensive line just posed naked

  • in "ESPN the Magazine'S" "Body Issue."

  • Take a look at this. This is real. Wow!

  • They look like a boy band that fell on really hard times.

  • They just changed their slogan from "Fly, Eagles, fly" to

  • "Why, Eagles, why?"

  • I was like, "Oh."

  • This is pretty big.

  • I don't know if you guys saw this story

  • about Trump and a Sharpie?

  • Do you know it's -- It's trending right now.

  • It's a pretty long story, but let's just get right into it.

  • Let's start from the beginning.

  • This weekend, Trump tweeted that Alabama would be

  • hit by Hurricane Dorian, even after

  • the National Weather Service said that wasn't the case.

  • Trump tweeted, "In addition to Florida, South Carolina,

  • North Carolina, Georgia, and Alabama

  • will most likely be hit much harder then anticipated."

  • But, in real life, Alabama was never in any danger,

  • so rather than admit he made a mistake, yesterday,

  • Trump doubled down and presented an old map that showed

  • the path of the hurricane, and it looks like

  • a small addition was made to the -- Just take a look.

  • See if you can find the...

  • -It was going to be hitting directly,

  • and that would have affected a lot of other states,

  • but that was the original chart.

  • -I don't know if you saw.

  • Dave, can we zoom in on that map that he was --

  • Can you -- Do you see there's clearly --

  • There's clearly another drawing. What...

  • There's clearly -- Yeah, someone --

  • and I'm not saying who -- clearly used a Sharpie to draw

  • another circle around Alabama to back up his claim

  • and then added it to this map.

  • People were shocked that he didn't draw it

  • to look like this.

  • And, clearly, he drew on the map.

  • Americans saw that and were like,

  • "Don't let him anywhere near the Constitution, please."

  • [ As Trump ] As you can see, our Founding Fathers

  • clearly wanted free guac at Chipotle.

  • That's what they...

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • That's what they wanted. I didn't do it.

  • Someone else did that to the Constitution.

  • [ Normal voice ] But after the embarrassment,

  • Trump tweeted a different map showing that Dorian

  • would hit Alabama yet again.

  • Take a look. Yeah.

  • You know, something about that photo made me think,

  • and I was like -- I was looking at that.

  • I'm like, "Why does he love this?

  • Why is he so attached to that map?

  • And I think I can see why." Check this out.

  • Yeah, he's like -- That's his hair.

  • As I mentioned before, last night,

  • CNN hosted 2020 Democrats for seven hours of town halls

  • focused on climate change.

  • Seven hours. Even C-SPAN was like...

  • [ Snores ]

  • And during last night's town hall,

  • Bernie Sanders received a question from

  • a member of the audience, and it brings us

  • to a new segment called "Get to Know the Voter."

  • Enjoy. ♪♪

  • -I have large feet. ♪♪

  • -There you go. Some more 2020 news.

  • I saw that... [ Laughter ]

  • I saw that Bill de Blasio is thinking about

  • dropping out of the presidential race next month.

  • -Aww!

  • -Yeah, when he told his family, they were like,

  • "We thought you dropped out six weeks ago.

  • This is terrible news."

  • This is strange here.

  • A bride told her maid of honor that she

  • could wear anything she wanted to her wedding,

  • and so she decided to dress up like a T. rex.

  • This is real. Take a look at this. Yeah.

  • It was funny until she dropped the rings and said,

  • "Oh, can someone please -- I'm sorry.

  • This is awkward. Oh, boy. Could someone, please..."

  • It got even weirder when one of the grooms was like,

  • "Hey, Doug, what's her deal?"

  • Well, finally, the big movie this weekend

  • is "IT Chapter Two."

  • [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, I'm excited.

  • I don't know if you've seen the trailer, but it's pretty scary.

  • Take a look at this.

-Earlier tonight, the NFL season kicked off with

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Biden's Eye Bleeds During CNN Town Hall

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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