Subtitles section Play video
-
-There is so much going on right now.
-
Guys, the House is drafting up articles of impeachment,
-
North Korea is moving closer to a nuclear missile,
-
and Russia is interfering in the U.K. elections.
-
Let's see what President Trump is focused on.
-
-People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times,
-
as opposed to once. They end up using more water.
-
-Yeah, that's right. [ Laughter ]
-
[ Cheers and applause ]
-
During a business roundtable,
-
Trump said that people are flushing the toilet
-
10 or 15 times because of low water pressure.
-
Trump was like, "It's crazy. I take off the lid,
-
I sit on the tank, I do my business,
-
flush 10 times, and nothing happens."
-
[ Laughter ] Sit on the tank?
-
People in the room were like,
-
"Maybe you're not jiggling the handle properly."
-
He's like, "Read the transcript. it was a perfect jiggle."
-
[ Laughter ]
-
Let's just assume
-
that people are flushing their toilets 10 or 15 times.
-
Does that mean that people are telling
-
the president of the United States
-
about their flushing habits? [ Laughter ]
-
Or Trump is asking about them? I don't understand.
-
Like, "Forget about North Korea.
-
How many times does it take for you to flush?"
-
Trump was complaining about toilets,
-
and he actually said that he's had to flush a toilet
-
over 10 times. Well, it might explain
-
this commercial I saw earlier today.
-
Watch this.
-
-Are you having trouble flushing your toilet?
-
-People are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 times.
-
-Then you need the Trump toilet. -Oh, my God!
-
-The Trump toilet uses 25 gallons of water per flush.
-
-Whoa! That's strong. -And it's got built-in Wi-Fi
-
so you can tweet while you use it.
-
-That's my dream. -And if you order now,
-
we'll throw in a roll of toilet paper
-
made out of the failing "New York Times."
-
-It's going down the tubers.
-
-So forget about saving water and get the Trump toilet.
-
[ Cheers and applause ]
-
-[ Chuckles ]
-
Trump then spoke about his administration's effort
-
to stop the production of energy-efficient light bulbs.
-
Listen to why he doesn't like new light bulbs.
-
-And we're doing other things -- the light bulb.
-
They got rid of the light bulb that people got used to.
-
The new bulb is many times more expensive.
-
And I hate to say it, it doesn't make you look as good.
-
Of course, being a vain person, that's very important to me.
-
[ Laughter ]
-
It gives you an orange look. I don't want an orange look.
-
[ Laughter ]
-
>> [ Whistles ]
-
-In response, the light bulbs were like,
-
"Hey, don't shoot the messenger.
-
Uh, you're orange."
-
Yeah, Trump thinks light bulbs make him look orange.
-
-God. -Which means
-
there's a decent chance Trump might not know
-
the difference between a light bulb and a mirror.
-
It's like... [ Laughter ]
-
Today, the House Judiciary Committee
-
held another impeachment hearing.
-
Democrat Jerry Nadler said that a jury
-
would convict President Trump
-
in, quote, "Three minutes flat."
-
Or in other words, the same amount of time
-
Trump spends flushing a toilet. [ Laughter and applause ]
-
[ As Trump ] "Eight, nine."
-
[ Normal voice ] That's right, Democrats are being led
-
by House chairman Jerry Nadler.
-
Here's a picture of Jerry Nadler.
-
Wow. [ Audience ohs ]
-
Look at his pant -- I mean, you're laughing,
-
but every grandpa is like, "I like his style."
-
[ Laughter ]
-
So, the Democrats on the House Judiciary Committee
-
have been exchanging GIFs, G-I-F-S -- GIFs --
-
in a group text to lighten the mood of impeachment.
-
Yeah, that might explain why the chairman
-
opened today's hearing by saying,
-
"In ermahgerd we trust." [ Laughter ]
-
Before the impeachment hearing began,
-
a lawyer for the Republicans made quite an entrance.
-
Look at what he brought with him.
-
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-
[ Light laughter ]
-
Yeah.
-
[ Indistinct conversations ]
-
Meanwhile, his wife is at the Whole Foods checkout
-
with a briefcase full of depositions.
-
[ Laughter ] Going, "What am I doing?"
-
[ Cheers and applause ]
-
"Ugh."
-
[ Chuckles ]
-
But in his opening statement today,
-
the lawyer for the Republicans
-
had an interesting choice of words.
-
Take a look at this.
-
-To impeach a president who 63 million people voted for,
-
over eight lines in a call transcript is baloney.
-
[ Laughter ]
-
-Yeah, either the impeachment is either baloney,
-
or he got distracted looking into his shopping bag.
-
[ Laughter ] That's right.
-
At the hearing, Democrats presented a lot of evidence
-
against President Trump, and it seems like
-
they've broadened their investigation
-
beyond just Ukraine.
-
Check out some of the other scandalous evidence
-
that they uncovered about the president.
-
For example, they uncovered allegations
-
that Trump eats all the chunks
-
out of Ben & Jerry's pints,
-
then puts the cartons back in the freezer.
-
That's -- -Come on.
-
-You can't do that. -No.
-
-You can't do that. As well as a testimony
-
that after watching previews, Trump loudly comments
-
about whether or not he would see the movie.
-
[ Laughter ] [ As Trump ] "I'd see that."
-
[ Normal voice ] Then, there were charges
-
that Trump doesn't wash his legs in the shower,
-
because the falling shampoo basically gets it.
-
[ Laughter ]
-
[ Cheers and applause ]
-
[ Laughter ]
-
And finally, there was evidence that Trump sides
-
with the husband in the Peloton commercial.
-
[ Laughter ] Can you believe that?
-
[ Applause ] Come on.
-
Some 2020 news. I saw that a lot of
-
the candidates are selling holiday merchandise.
-
That's very nice. For 50 bucks,
-
you can get a Joe Biden holiday sweater.
-
And for 100 bucks, Pete Buttigieg will come over
-
and be your own little Elf on the Shelf.
-
-Aww. [ Laughter ]
-
-Speaking of Pete Buttigieg, he's in hot water
-
because he won't release information
-
about the work he did in his first job
-
for the consulting firm, McKinsey.
-
But he's not the only one who has a strange past.
-
It turns out Mike Bloomberg had a weird job
-
when he was young. Can we see a picture of him?
-
Yep, turns out he was a singer in the band
-
Simon, Garfunkel, & Bloomberg.
-
[ Laughter ]
-
[ Applause ] Odd job.
-
This isn't good. Last night, Democratic candidate
-
Marianne Williamson fell for a hoax
-
and tweeted that Trump had pardoned Charles Manson.
-
Trump heard that, and like, "That was crazy."
-
And then he slowly erased the idea from his whiteboard.
-
[ Laughing ] Here's a big story today.
-
Russia was banned from next year's Olympics
-
'cause of doping violations. Meanwhile, when Trump heard
-
"Russia" and "dope" and "violations,"
-
he said, [As Trump] "Oh, no,
-
what did Rudy Giuliani do this time?"
-
[ Laughter ]
-
[ Normal voice ] Some business news.
-
Walmart has apologized for selling a sweater
-
that features Santa With cocaine.
-
[ Light laughter ] Check it out.
-
[ Laughter ]
-
[ Cheers and applause ]
-
I guess that explains why Rudolph's nose is so red.
-
-Oh. -Yeah.
-
[ Laughter ] Oh, this is sad.
-
The wife of Papa John's founder John Schnatter
-
has filed for divorce. -Oh.
-
[ Audience aws ]
-
-It looks like they already have a settlement
-
and Papa John is being very, very generous.
-
He's giving her half his money, plus cheese sticks
-
and a two-liter of Coke. -Oh.
-
[ Cheers and applause ]
-
-I think that's very generous.
-
Well, this made me laugh.
-
Ryan Reynolds got the actress from the Peloton ad
-
to star in a commercial for his brand of gin,
-
where she sips on gin after a tough day.
-
[ Laughter ]
-
Though it's a little awkward at the end,
-
when her husband from the Peloton ad shows up
-
and tells her to stop having so many carbs.
-
[ Audience groans ]
-
I'm joking. these are jokes. -Jokes.
-
-These aren't facts. -He didn't really do it.
-
-There aren't facts. No, these are jokes.
-
-[ Laughs ]
-
[ Laughter ] Guys, I read about a woman
-
aboard a United Airlines flight from San Francisco to Atlanta
-
who was bit several times by a scorpion.
-
Even crazier, it was her emotional-support scorpion.
-
[ Laughter ]
-
Check this out. I read that the tube in London
-
will now have first-class cars, where the rich
-
can drink champagne and eat hors d'oeuvres.
-
While on the New York City Subway,
-
you can still play that fun game,
-
"Is that man passed out or dead?"
-
[ Laughter and applause ]
-
And finally, this weekend in New York City,
-
police were called after a firefighter
-
got into a fight with a sanitation worker
-
over a parking spot.
-
Then, a biker and a sailor walked by,
-
and they all burst into "YMCA." We have a great show.