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  • Hi, I'm Kristen Bell.

  • Thanks for being here and for listening to me,

  • because I've got two kids, and they rarely do.

  • It's an interesting time to be a mom.

  • It used to be that your mother-in-law was

  • the only one that had an opinion on how you changed a diaper,

  • and now everyone on the internet has an opinion too.

  • We should get a badge for every judgment we face.

  • Here is my, I left my kid with the iPad for five hours badge.

  • I lost my kid in a parking lot badge.

  • I said oh, [BLEEP] in front of my kids badge.

  • Actually I have a few of those.

  • You can never judge a mom by her [BLEEP] show.

  • We are all doing the best we can.

  • Right, guys?

  • My sister-in-law likes that.

  • I want one.

  • Guys.

  • I'm all over that.

  • Really?

  • I'll get you one.

  • No one listens to me.

  • Seriously?

  • Yes.

  • [MUSIC PLAYING]

  • To all you moms out there doing it right.

  • I am here with my lovely pals Maya Rudolph, Casey Wilson.

  • Hi, bud.

  • Hi.

  • And between us we have eight kids, I think.

  • You know, my grandma had 12 kids.

  • 12 kids.

  • Talk about a [BLEEP] show.

  • I need to take that in.

  • But I feel like somehow the pressure

  • was less, because no one was taking pictures of it.

  • Right.

  • No one was documenting her every move.

  • Yeah, like no one was trolling my grandma.

  • Right, and they were like, oh, bump alert.

  • The internet with parenting.

  • The internet, it's very judgey.

  • Ya think?

  • A ton of judgments, but it also provides community.

  • [MUSIC PLAYING]

  • Let me read you a couple of these tweets.

  • I think this is going to make your day.

  • Where'd those cards come from?

  • Here's a tweet.

  • Oh, don't worry about it.

  • "Stop complaining about the mom traveling alone

  • with a bunch of screaming kids under five.

  • I'm buying that damn mom a drink."

  • Love it.

  • That's a great thing to tweet, right?

  • Unbelievable.

  • That's lovely.

  • Deserves a margarita machine, not just a drink.

  • I think a personal margarita machine.

  • I used to think moms who walked around with wet hair needed

  • to get it together.

  • Now I know the truth, they were bragging.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Yeah, I almost showed up to this with wet hair.

  • You never know what kind of day someone's

  • had, so cut them some slack.

  • Exactly.

  • Yeah, if I see a pedicure flip-flop

  • walking into the preschool, I applaud you.

  • Yeah, good for you.

  • Good for you.

  • My mom friends from pre-school and I used to say,

  • all we want to be is a middle mom.

  • Just give me, I don't need to have lashes and lipstick.

  • I also don't want to look like you just dragged me out

  • of the LA River.

  • I just need to be a middle mom.

  • Just dressed.

  • Yeah, where you haven't forgotten an undergarment.

  • Not Porky Pigging it.

  • Right.

  • I'm tired of new moms always seeing

  • their baby is such a good baby.

  • I just once want to hear a mom be like, yeah, no, my babies

  • a real [BLEEP].

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Over Christmas, my girlfriend was with me,

  • and she does have a lovely daughter,

  • and she's like, she's so easy.

  • And my son literally dragged me across restaurant and spit

  • in my face.

  • Aww.

  • And I was like, how are you feeling?

  • You're mad right now.

  • I can tell.

  • I can tell you're upset.

  • I can tell you're mad actually.

  • But I will say, just because I did once go through the whole,

  • my daughter is so easy phase, sometimes it

  • comes out of a reality, because my oldest daughter

  • at 21 months, we merely suggested

  • that she use the toilet in the other room.

  • Never wore a diaper beyond that.

  • And we were lying in bed giggling, my husband

  • and I like, why does everybody make such a big deal out

  • of potty training?

  • It's like so easy, just tell the kid to use the toilet.

  • Currently, my youngest is five and a half, still in diapers.

  • It's real relative, isn't it?

  • Yes, because every kid is so different.

  • I think having a girl before a boy is also a different thing,

  • because I was used to wiping a little baby vagina

  • and then you get that little baby down there,

  • and all of a sudden, he just peed in his own face,

  • and I felt so guilty.

  • It's also like, I think sanitary.

  • Oh, It's great for them.

  • Yeah.

  • [MUSIC PLAYING]

  • I want us to share our best [BLEEP] show story.

  • When you're done, you can ring this bell.

  • I showed up a little bit early to a birthday party.

  • It's really quiet, and I was like--

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • We are on time today, ring the bell, and it was the wrong day.

  • There was no birthday party that day.

  • I felt so good.

  • Ring that bell.

  • [DING]

  • OK, so I was at Rehoboth Beach, Delaware

  • where there was like this huge play structure outside.

  • And so you could crawl through those nets,

  • you know, where the kids are like way up behind you.

  • And my kid got up there, and I was like,

  • I feel like he's a little too young,

  • and all the parents and kids are underneath,

  • and he just took off his diaper and peed on us all.

  • [LAUGHTER] [DING]

  • Yeah, you'd better ring that bell.

  • So baby pee is angel's tears.

  • Yes, so.

  • Yesterday actually, we were playing four square

  • and my little one rushes in, and she's like, I want to play.

  • I want to play.

  • I volleyball served with a--

  • she was a foot from my face--

  • directly into her nose.

  • No.

  • Yes.

  • And we had three friends over at the time.

  • They were all horrified, and I couldn't do anything but laugh.

  • Was it a bloody nose situation?

  • No.

  • Wow.

  • But she-- it hurt her feelings.

  • Felt aggressive to her maybe.

  • [DING]

  • I was at my son's pre-school a couple weeks ago,

  • and I know he was just in a not great mood,

  • and so I tried to make a joke, because he was just

  • kind of being a [BLEEP].

  • And I said, oh, it's like living, you know,

  • with a non-functioning alcoholic,

  • and everyone was like--

  • Like it is what it's like.

  • Yeah, but that's true.

  • True.

  • Not only is it funny, but it's a fact.

  • It's a fact.

  • My husband--

  • [INTERPOSING VOICES]

  • My husband is a currently functioning sober alcoholic,

  • and when he goes to his meetings on Tuesday

  • night, when he'd say to the little girls,

  • he'd go like, I gotta go to my AA meeting.

  • And they go, don't go, daddy.

  • I want to go to AA meeting.

  • And he looks at them, it's very sweetly,

  • and he says, don't worry, honey.

  • You will.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • [MUSIC PLAYING]

  • All right.

  • Let's play Never Have I Ever.

  • We've got some paddles and more bells.

  • Oh, I love a paddle.

  • Never have I ever forgotten my child somewhere.

  • [DING]

  • I have.

  • Yeah, we left my son in the car at the Christmas tree lot

  • and just skipped inside to find our family tree.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • Never have I ever told my kid it was later

  • than it was to get them to bed.

  • Wow.

  • [DING]

  • Pretended not to hear them crying so that my spouse would

  • deal with it.

  • [DING]

  • Follow up question.

  • Did your spouse actually deal with it,

  • or did you just spend 15 minutes sulking in bed

  • and then finally have to get up?

  • I would say that's 50-50.

  • My husband is an insomniac, and he

  • like is constantly taking like melatonin at night,

  • and trying to meditate before bed, and really get in there.

  • But then suddenly when one of the girls is crying,

  • he's like--

  • Out cold.

  • Out cold.

  • Never have I ever pulled my kids clothes out of the dirty hamper

  • and put it on them.

  • [DING]

  • Every day.

  • My daughter wants to wear the same black leggings every day,

  • so that's what she's going to wear.

  • Do it.

  • You do it until they're crispy, and then you wash them.

  • My son's been wearing-- and this is odd--

  • a bowtie to school every day.

  • Guess what?

  • I'm going to marry your son.

  • What a gent.

  • He's a delight.

  • Thank you.

  • Never have I ever told one of my kids they're my favorite.

  • I'm not allowed to do that.

  • Because we all have a favorite, but we can't--

  • You can't say it.

  • Wow, Kristen, I've never heard that spoken aloud.

  • You do though, right?

  • Of course.

  • Yeah, obviously.

  • [LAUGHTER]

  • [MUSIC PLAYING]

  • So when you're out in the world or scrolling

  • through social media, please give

  • moms the benefit of the doubt.

  • Because odds are that mom is operating

  • on four hours of sleep, hasn't wash your hair in three days,

  • and is wearing yesterday's underwear

  • turned inside out of course.

  • We still have standards.

  • Obviously.

Hi, I'm Kristen Bell.

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Never Judge a Mom by Her Sh*t, with Maya Rudolph & Casey Wilson: #Momsplaining with Kristen Bell

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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