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  • Hello, everyone.

  • It's me, Ellen DeGeneres.

  • I'm broadcasting from inside my home, and I do mean broad.

  • We're casting a very wide net with our comedy stylings

  • from home.

  • Broadcasting is-- I know.

  • I know you got it.

  • And yet, I like to explain it.

  • You may not realize it because time is nonexistent these days,

  • but summer is right around the corner, which means spring

  • is almost done sprunging.

  • And it also means I had to hurry up and get my spring cleaning

  • done before it was too late.

  • I don't know why they call it spring cleaning.

  • Why do we have to clean in the spring?

  • It seems like you could clean any time.

  • But summer, I guess, is hot, you know, too hot, maybe,

  • and then winter is too cold.

  • Fall does not exist in California.

  • So I guess that's not an option.

  • Anyway, I did some spring cleaning,

  • and I found a bunch of old things

  • that I hadn't seen in a while, and I

  • thought I would show them to you right now.

  • Here it is.

  • It's in this box right here.

  • Let's see what I have.

  • First of all-- oh, these--

  • look at this.

  • Pants-- pants with zippers and a button.

  • Remember when we used to wear these.

  • I can't.

  • I haven't zipped a zipper or buttoned a button

  • in a long time, but I'm not throwing them out.

  • I'm going to send them to a farm where they can live free

  • with other pants.

  • All right.

  • Here, also-- oh.

  • This brings back memories.

  • This is my first journal.

  • It was a joke journal that I started

  • when I just started standup, and there a lot of gold nuggets

  • in here.

  • Here, let's read a few.

  • What's the deal with the Walkman?

  • I don't walk, and I'm not a man.

  • I'll tell you what I need is a Runwoman.

  • Am I right, ladies?

  • Yeah.

  • And then, here's another one.

  • Hey, Andy, help me out with this.

  • OK.

  • Knock, knock.

  • Who's there?

  • Ellen.

  • Ellen who?

  • Ellen, your daughter.

  • You left me at the grocery store again, Momma.

  • [LAUGHING]

  • Yeah.

  • That's a good lesson for a young comedian.

  • Draw from your own life experience.

  • She always left you at the store, didn't she?

  • She would leave me wherever she went.

  • There was many places.

  • That was just one time.

  • And then, here is--

  • oh.

  • You know what this is, right?

  • This is a dial-up modem.

  • Kids, before Wi-Fi, you had to call the internet

  • with this modem.

  • It was connected to your phone line,

  • and it made a bunch of unnecessarily loud noises,

  • like bee boop bee ba bee boop poo ech oh key ka kur ra.

  • That's exactly--

  • What?

  • That's exactly what it used to be like.

  • You try it.

  • No, I can't do it.

  • [IMITATING DIAL UP TONES]

  • And it went on forever.

  • [IMITATING DIAL UP TONES]

  • Stop shaking your head, tWitch.

  • You're too young.

  • You don't remember.

  • Yeah.

  • tWitch you don't know.

  • You don't know.

  • You never used this--

  • Oh, I did.

  • --ever.

  • I certainly did.

  • You were--

  • I know dial-up.

  • --born into a Wi-Fi world.

  • Really?

  • You remember dial-up?

  • Absolutely.

  • That's the way I used to--

  • before we could just stream a song,

  • I would have to wait until it was like super late at night

  • so that I could put a song on download, and then go to sleep

  • and hopefully, wake up in the morning to it finally

  • being done.

  • I can't believe you remember that, tWitch.

  • I think you're not honest about your age.

  • I think you just look good, and you're like 65.

  • He looks good for 65.

  • He does look good for 65.

  • Let's start that rumor.

  • tWitch is 65.

  • That I'm 65?

  • [INAUDIBLE] a 65-year-old tWitch.

  • Yeah.

  • All right.

  • All right.

  • Here's another comedy prop, I mean, real item that I

  • found in my house.

  • This is-- here, look at this.

  • It's a friendship bracelet from Oprah.

  • She said she made it herself.

  • Isn't that nice?

  • I usually don't like crafty things,

  • but I made an exception for this.

  • That's sweet of her.

  • I know.

  • Oh, and you know what else is in here?

  • This is my gay card.

  • I remember when Elton John and Katie Lang gave me this

  • after I came out.

  • Unlike your driver's license, your gay card photo always,

  • always looks good, and it was front and back.

  • And they'd have stylists and hairdressers

  • and people on set to-- it was like a two hour shoot.

  • That's the difference.

  • Yeah.

  • There was another lesbian joke if you're

  • playing the drinking--

  • So you don't carry it anymore with you?

  • I don't because my wallet is too small.

  • It's larger than--

  • OK.

  • Yeah, they weren't--

  • Yeah.

  • Yeah.

  • But anyway, so take a shot.

  • That's another lesbian joke.

  • Here's someone who doesn't need a stylist and isn't a lesbian.

  • Say hello to tWitch.

  • Hi, y'all.

  • We don't know.

  • We didn't know he was 65 years old.

  • You know what?

  • Let's start that.

  • He's a 65-year-old lesbian is what he is.

  • I'm just saying people have been saying that.

  • Yeah.

  • Let's start that rumor.

  • [LAUGHING]

  • Yeah.

  • How are you, tWitch?

  • I'm good.

  • I'm good, Ellen, you know.

  • Yeah.

  • Just another day, another day in the house.

  • Yeah.

  • But we're good.

  • Another day, don't know what day it is, but it's another day.

  • Absolutely.

  • Yep.

  • It's great to see.

  • It's good to get to be here with y'all.

  • It's good to see you.

  • I wish you could be here.

  • I mean, I don't know why--

  • why can't we switch out Andy and tWitch one day?

  • Like have tWitch have here, and Andy is, you know, there?

  • I'm good.

  • There like at my house?

  • Yeah.

  • Yeah.

  • Yeah, I'm with Allison and your kids.

  • Yeah.

  • And I'm not sure that's the best thing.

  • No, tWitch doesn't want that.

  • I can take care of his kids.

  • tWitch doesn't want you near his kids.

  • [LAUGHING]

  • He doesn't like that idea.

  • Wow.

  • All right.

  • He's a bitchy lesbian.

  • [LAUGHING]

  • Well, you know, when you get to be 65, you get kind of grouchy

  • as a lesbian.

Hello, everyone.

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Ellen Finds an Old Journal & Gift from Oprah While Spring Cleaning

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/03
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