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Boomstick: You know what I hate more than stupid tween pop stars? Absolutely goddamn nothing!
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Wiz: Like Justin Bieber, the young pop sensation, and Rebecca Black, the girl who took YouTube by storm.
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Boomstick: I hate 'em even more than my blood-sucking ex-wife!
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Wiz: I'm Wizard and he's Boomstick, and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor and skills to find out who would win a Death Battle.
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Wiz: In 2007, Justin Bieber was discovered by marketing executive Scooter Braun by complete accident.
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Under the tutelage of his mentor, Usher Raymond, IV,
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Bieber spent a year training before becoming the biggest teen hit since Hannah Montana.
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Boomstick: Why?! Why is he so popular?!?
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Wiz: His single titled "Baby" is the most viewed video on YouTube with nearly 600,000,000 hits.
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Boomstick: I mean, it's just a kid singing auto-tuned songs, saying "Girl" and "Baby" over and over again!
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Wiz: His premature fame has prompted a vast line of merchandise, ranging from lunch boxes, squiggly straws
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, T-Shirts and a perfume line that is shaped like...
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Boomstick: ...a vagina.
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Wiz: ...Right. But that's not the strangest of his products. A lock of his hair once sold for $40,000.
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Boomstick: What!? No! G-Goddamnit! That is the biggest waste of money I've ever heard of!
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Wiz: True, unless they're planning to clone him.
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Boomstick: No, that's even worse! Why would anyone want more than one
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of this musical abomination roaming this planet!?
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Wiz: Anyway, the hair toured the world collecting bids with its own bodyguard to protect it from crazy fangirls.
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Boomstick: Oh yes! Heaven forbid someone assassinate the lock of precious hair!
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Wiz: And speaking of his fans, they really are crazy. The most passionate call themselves "Beliebers".
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Boomstick: ...You're kidding.
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Wiz: They have even been known to trample and injure others in rabid zerg rushes.
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Boomstick: That's it! I'm done, Wiz! I... I can't go on in this world when this... this is what is popular!
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Wiz: Also, several of these "Beliebers" are so crazy, sometimes they even try to hurt Bieber
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In one concert, a fan hurled a water bottle at Bieber, traumatizing him for life and inflicting a fear of thrown objects.
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To capitalize on this, another audience started chucking so much crap, he refused to perform.
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Once, he even got into a fistfight with an older man who attacked him, and he threatens paparazzi in his spare time.
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He will not hesitate to use force on even his most loyal fans.
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Boomstick: Well, I guess that gives him one good redeeming quality at least.
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Wiz: Yet despite all the crap he gets, he still gets on stage to give a show.
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Boomstick: A horrible, horrible life-scarring show.
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*Gunshots*
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Wiz: Feel better?
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Boomstick: (chuckles) Yep.
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Wiz: Rebecca Black's mother paid $4,000 to have Ark Music Factory create a music video starring her daughter.
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The single, "Friday", received more than 160,000,000 views in mere months, making Rebecca a viral star
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for what is considered the worst song ever made.
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Boomstick: For $4,000, I can come up with a better song than that crap!
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Wiz: Though Black is an early riser, she seems to have an extreme case of ADHD.
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She cannot focus on one thing for very long. While waiting for the bus to go to School,
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she completely forgot what she was doing and wound up going to a party with her friends
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seeing them drive by, skipping class in the process.
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Boomstick: Whoa, that kid looks way too young to be driving!
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wiz: She is also incredibly indecisive. She can't even figure out where to sit.
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Boomstick: But when she finally makes up her mind, she makes the worst possible choice.
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Wiz: Instead of sitting in the car like a normal person, she stands in the back seat, even while, quote-unquote,
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"cruising down the highway". Keep in mind, the average speed limit of a highway in the Unites States is 60mph.
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Boomstick: This chick is crazy!
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Wiz: Recently, she was betrayed by her own mentor, AKA Fat Usher, when he tried charging viewers to watch
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the "Friday" video. In response, Black claimed copyright and took the video down.
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Boomstick: Yeah, good use of $4,000 there.
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Wiz: She also enjoys a big bowl of cereal every morning and was nominated for MTV's favorite animated GIF award.
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Boomstick: If that's a real award, I need my own Boomstick GIF, stat!
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Wiz: But the worst is yet to come. Rebecca Black is a "Belieber".
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Boomstick: ...What?
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Wiz: Justin Bieber is her idol.
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Boomstick: Ahh, goddamnit!
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Wiz: Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.
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Boomstick: Oh, by the way, to make things a little more... uh, Interesting, I've scattered random weapons all over the arena.
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Wiz: ...What?-
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Boomstick: Quiet Wiz it's time for the ad.
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Boomstick: Gamefly's the biggest online game rental service with over 7,000 games.
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Boomstick: You can rent up to four games at a time for only... Uh, how much wiz?
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Wiz: 15.95 a month.
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Boomstick: That's like nothing! And there's no late fees or due dates and shipping is always free!
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Wiz: Plus if you like a game you can keep it at a heavly discounted price.
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Wiz: Help support the death battle show by starting a 15 day free trail at gamefly.com/deathbattle.
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Boomstick: But first... it's time for a DEATH BATTLE!!!!
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Anouncer: And now ladies and gentlemen Miley Cyrus!
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M-M-M-MONSTER K.O.!
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Boomstick: We just set a Death Battle record!
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Wiz: Not only did Bieber and Black take each other out, but also Miley Cyrus,
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the Jonas Brothers and some poor 13 year old driver. While Bieber's famed fear of thrown objects kept him at a distance,
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Black's indecisiveness and daredevil recklessness ruined any chance she had.
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Boomstick: I dunno, Wiz. At least Rebecca turned him into roadkill before giving the wall a face high-five.
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Wiz: A face high... what? Black did a horrific job!
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Boomstick: Well, let's let the audience decide on who sucked the most.
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Wiz: Leave a comment detailing who you think was the most pathetic.
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Boomstick: This fight really popped! Y-You know, 'cause... they're pop stars and... they blew up...
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Wiz: This battle is a draw.
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Boomstick: Next time ooooon Death Battle.