Pre-order on Steam, right now, to save 10% AND get the soundtrack free.

-Wiz For some action heroes, it's not enough to JUST save the world.

-Boomstick They've gotta look good doing it!

-Wiz Dante, the Devil Hunter.

-Boomstick And Bayonetta, the Umbra Witch.

He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick!

-Wiz And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win...

A Death Battle.

-Wiz Take a walk down Slum Avenue, and you'll find all sorts of hangouts for the scum of the Underworld.

The Bullseye Bar, a random...strip club, and even a run-down service shop called 'Devil May Cry.'

-Boomstick But the services they're selling aren't like washing your car, or fixing your plumbing.

HOOH no, s'long as you got the cash, this shop specializes in delivering demonic beatdowns.

"Who's CRAZY enough to try making a living this way?" You ask?

His name...

is Dante.

-Wiz From the very beginning, Dante's life was always unusual.

Born from the unholy union of a human mother and a demon father,

Dante and his twin brother, Vergil, had their first supernatural encounter at the young age of 8.

-Boomstick Yeah, see, his demon dad was a badass who single-handedly conquered the Underworld,

And imprisoned its demon emperor, Mundus.

But after dad died, Mundus' minions felt brave enough to take some revenge, by...slaughtering his family.

Leaving Dante an orphan.

Bummer. Hate it when that happens.

Wiz- With his mother gone, and his brother assumed dead, Dante was left with only one option:

Become the ultimate Demon Hunter, and...perpetuate the cycle of vengeance.

-Wiz Despite the dangerous nature of his occupation,

Dante always maintains a carefree spirit, while dispatching devils of the Underworld.

-Boomstick It's part of his charm.

Hell, when you've got abilities like Dante's, why NOT be a little cocky?

He's faster than the mortal eye can see, strong enough to grapple with the Undeworld's toughest demons,

And straight-up MAN enough to shake off being stabbed through the chest, like, every goddamn day!

-Wiz That's thanks to his regenerative ability.

In fact, ALL of that is made possible due to his demonic heritage,

and made even MORE deadly by his plethora of weapons.

His favorites being his dual pistols, and enormous sword.

-Boomstick Like any proud weapon owner, he gives his tools of destruction pet names.

His guns, Ebony and Ivory, specialize in long-range shots and rapid-fire barrages, respectively.

These handcannons are SO powerful, they can each obliterate demons in a single shot.

-Dante I think that look suits you better.

*Cue laugh track*

-Boomstick Rebellion is a large, magical sword, given to him by his pops,

which can cut any demon down to size in the blink of an eye.

He's also got his brother's sword, Yamato, which can cut through DIMENSIONS!

-Wiz Throughout his adventures, Dante also collected a wide assortment of additional weaponry called Devil Arms,

physical manifestations of powerful demons he has defeated.

-Boomstick Remember Megaman? I-it's that. But on steroids!

His armor, Gilgamesh Gauntlets, increase his striking power,

letting him shatter huge monoliths with a lethal, one-inch punch.

-Boomstick With Lucifer - the backpack, not the devil - Dante basically throws infinite lightsabers.

He's also got an electric guitar, which is literally electric.

Ice-powered nunchucks, grenade launchers, shotguns, and, I kid you not,

a briefcase that can transform into 666 different weapons,

Ranging from a giant Beyblade, to a flying turret gun.

Where does he POSSIBLY keep all this stuff!?

-Wiz Really, REALLY deep pockets.

Or, perhaps, it's one of his styles, abilities he has also acquired from defeating demon bosses.

With Doppelganger Style, he can duplicate himself,

with Trickster Style, he can teleport instantly,

with Royal Guard Style, he becomes a nigh-impervious dreadnought,

AND he can even slow down time with the Quicksilver Style.

-Boomstick On the rare occasion Dante feels he needs to get serious, he enters the Devil Trigger,

a transformation that taps into his demonic heritage to unleash his true devil form.

Devil Trigger dramatically increases his strength, speed, and healing power, AND he can fly!

-Wiz Being so well-armed, Dante is more than capable of handling entire hordes of demons on his own,

although this doesn't stop some of his allies from joining in from time-to-time.

This includes Trish, a demon-lady who occasionally fights alongside him,

and happens to resemble his deceased mother....

Talk about giving somebody an Oedipus complex.

-Boomstick Hey, if I may quote an old family saying,

"If she's not directly related, she's safe to be dated."

-Wiz That explains a lot...

Luckily, and quite surprisingly, that avenue was never explored -- thank god.

Boomstick- Dante is a walking, talking, feat-achieving machine.

One time, after getting impaled by FOUR demons at once, he pushed one so hard, it exploded,

and dropped a ceiling fan on the other three.

All while eating a slice of pizza!

Oh...and when their friend showed up, he challenged them to a game of billiards.

[Asshole, corner pocket.]

He won.

Dante has run down the side of a building so fast, he caught fire,

similar to a spacecraft re-entering the atmosphere at approximately 17,000 MPH.

-Boomstick And he's even capable of taking out others just as overpowered as himself. Like his brother, Vergil,

who was NOT dead, but...evil.

He stopped a colossal punch from THIS titanic monster, without breaking a sweat,

shrugged off bombardment by meteors,

and eventually avenged his mother by defeating the demon lord, Mundus.

In space.

-Boomstick You may be asking yourself: "Can ANYTHING stop this guy?!?"

Yes.

Dante DOES have a limit to how much punishment he can take,

but if there's anything that could take him down, it's his own cocky attitude.

-Wiz In the words of the ancient Chinese philosopher, Laozi,

-Boomstick I'm gonna have to disagree with ol' Laozi here,

pretty sure there's no greater danger than telling a woman those pants do, in fact, make her ass look fat.

-??? You...BASTAAAAARD!

-Dante And, jackpot.

-Wiz From the angels of Paradiso, to the demons of Inferno, there is a name feared by both the light and the dark.

And her name...

[is JOHN CENA!]

is Bayonetta.

[I like mine better.]

-Boomstick To any normal guy walking down the street,

she may look like your average 7-ft. tall, GARGANTUAN Amazon-woman with good fashion sense.

But Bayonetta is ACTUALLY one of the last Umbra Witches, a clan of mystics allied with demonkind.

-Wiz Named Cereza upon birth,

she spent her early life growing up an outcast due to her parents being from rival clans.

Her father, a Lumin Sage, and her mother, an Umbra Witch.

-Boomstick See, the Sages and Witches had one rule to follow:

DON'T make babies with the opposite clan, because, according to prophecy,

it would bring on the destruction of the universe.

So, naturally, it was only a matter of time before SOMEbody couldn't keep it in their pants.

Ahh...pullin' out works every time, but the last time.

-Wiz You would know...

With the pact now broken, war ensued between the two factions. In the end, only two witches survived:

Cereza, and her rival/future friend, Jeanne.

Hoping to prevent the Apocalypse, Jeanne used a special dagger to seal away Cereza's memories,

and put her into a 500-year long coma.

-Boomstick When Cereza woke up from her epic power nap, she took on her new name - Bayonetta -

and set out to find her lost memories.

Luckily for her, she had just the right weapon for the job:

her hair!

-Wiz As an Umbra Witch, not only does her hair serve as her clothing,

-Boomstick Which I'm having a REAAAALLY hard time deciding whether or not that's hot, or..just disgusting.

-Wiz she can also use it to summon the demon, Madama Butterfly, to aid her in battle.

This technique, the Wicked Weaves,

creates portals for the giant demon to deliver devestating punches and kicks.

Bayonetta can also walk on walls and ceilings with Witch Walk,

and even transform into animals to fly, run super-fast, and dodge attacks.

-Wiz But her most useful technique is Witch Time.

By slowing down time itself, Bayonetta can dodge..practically anything,

while unleashing a barrage of attacks.

-Boomstick Bayonetta is basically a tall, sexy armory.

She wields gauntlets, called Durga, which attack with fire and electricity,

a huge scythe that ROTS the SOULS of its victims,

and a friggin' lightsaber called Pillow Talk.

She has a bow that fires poison arrows, a chainsaw made of dragon scales,

a MASSIVE hammer that can cause earthquakes with every strike,

and even ice skates! Which..attack with ice.

Obviously.

But her most beloved weapons are her 4-pistol set called Love is Blue.

Rather than swap between them like a normal person, she somehow manages to wield all of them at once,

by using not only her hands, but also her feet.

-Boomstick How does THAT work? Does she have, like, some kind of weird...thumbs on her ankles, or something?

(That would kinda detract from the hotness factor just a bit-)

OH MY GOD.

She's covered in hair, and she uses her feet like hands!

SHE'S A MONKEY.

MONKEY WITCH!

-Bayonetta This is awkward.

Wiz- I...highly doubt that.

She probably just uses some sort of magic.

Speaking of magic, when Bayonetta wants to unleash her full potential,

she triggers her Umbran Climax.

[Boomstick, you perv.]

Which increases her strength and lets her summon Madama Butterfly's full, unrestrained power.

When fully-unleashed, Madama Butterfly can shatter huge meteors by headbutting them.

-Boomstick Ahh...climax.

By herself, Bayonetta has pulled off some impressive feats.

She's strong enough to kick military jets into the air,

headbutt skyscrapers across the city,

and even throw satellites, with her legs, in outer space.

Oh, by the way, she can survive outer space.

-Wiz Using Witch Time, she was able to defeat...THIS thing,

in only a matter of real-time seconds.

Even without Witch Time, her reaction speed is astronomical.

For example:

When a Lumin Sage stopped time to position newly-fired bullets about 3 feet behind her,

she managed to not only turn and identify the incoming threat, but also dodge ALL 16 of them.

-Wiz Considering regular bullets travel around 2,500 feet per second. She must have pulled all that off in less than ONE-THOUSANDTH OF A SECOND!

-Boomstick And then there's that one time, when she killed God.

You know, by scissoring her hair with Jeanne's,

and punching the Creator's SOUL across the entire solar system, into the sun?

-Wiz Okay, obviously Bayonetta's feats and abilities are ABSOLUTELY ridiculous!

But she IS sometimes rather inconsistent.

-Boomstick Despite her reaction time, she's been caught off-guard by enemies,

ranging from a half-god called Lobster,

or...something like that,

and even a plant-monster, that managed to grab her out of the air.

-Wiz But, regardless of whatever weaknesses she may have,

Bayonetta has achieved more than anyone can possibly imagine, despite being 100% human.

-Boomstick Wait, she IS human!?!

Dibs.

-Bayonetta Alright. Let's dance, baby.

-Wiz Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.

-Boomstick But first, we made another videogame! And it sure would be swell if you buy it.

The nerd is back for an all new adventure.

Crush your enemies!

Navigate new puzzles!

Fucking helicopters!

Giant fucking alligators!

Fast fucking race cars!

FUCKING FLAMING TANUKI BALLS!

And lots more shit!

Coming March, 29 to PC and MAC. Preorder now on steam and get 10% off and a soundtrack free.

But right now,

IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!

-??? Another wandering, lost soul, I see?

-Dante Wow.

Lost? Nah.

I'm looking for something called a 'Left Eye.'

Care to give me a hand?

Could be fun.

-??? Hmph. I see.

But if you're looking for the Left Eye, that would either make you an angel...

-Bayonetta ...or a demon.

-Announcer FIGHT!

-Bayonetta Get back!

-Bayonetta Take this!

-Dante Woah!

-Bayonetta Too slow...

-Bayonetta Take THIS!

Mmm...what a disappointing finish.

-Dante That all you got, sister?

-Bayonetta Ah! Looks like you're more of a man than I thought.

-Dante Come on!

-Bayonetta No touching...

W-what?!

-Dante Haven't used THIS in a while.

Still got it!

-Dante In the money!

Hahahaa!

Jackpot!

-Bayonetta You're a naughty boy, hitting a girl like that...

YOU need to be taught a lesson!

-Dante Ohooh! Now THIS is what I'm talkin' about!

-Bayonetta If you like that, you're gonna LOVE this...

*Nom*

-Dante Phwoo! Your breath STINKS!

-Bayonetta This is where we part ways, love.

-Dante After you.

-Trish Dante!

-Dante Ah, c'mon, Trish!

You missed.

-Trish Oh, don't be a baby.

Let's finish her off!

-Bayonetta Jeanne.

-Jeanne Cereza.

Having some guy trouble?

-Bayonetta Not to worry.

I've got this one handled.

-Trish Wait.