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  • -Wiz This episode of Death Battle is brought to you by AVGN II: ASSimilation.

  • Pre-order on Steam, right now, to save 10% AND get the soundtrack free.

  • -Wiz For some action heroes, it's not enough to JUST save the world.

  • -Boomstick They've gotta look good doing it!

  • -Wiz Dante, the Devil Hunter.

  • -Boomstick And Bayonetta, the Umbra Witch.

  • He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick!

  • -Wiz And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win...

  • A Death Battle.

  • -Wiz Take a walk down Slum Avenue, and you'll find all sorts of hangouts for the scum of the Underworld.

  • The Bullseye Bar, a random...strip club, and even a run-down service shop called 'Devil May Cry.'

  • -Boomstick But the services they're selling aren't like washing your car, or fixing your plumbing.

  • HOOH no, s'long as you got the cash, this shop specializes in delivering demonic beatdowns.

  • "Who's CRAZY enough to try making a living this way?" You ask?

  • His name...

  • is Dante.

  • -Wiz From the very beginning, Dante's life was always unusual.

  • Born from the unholy union of a human mother and a demon father,

  • Dante and his twin brother, Vergil, had their first supernatural encounter at the young age of 8.

  • -Boomstick Yeah, see, his demon dad was a badass who single-handedly conquered the Underworld,

  • And imprisoned its demon emperor, Mundus.

  • But after dad died, Mundus' minions felt brave enough to take some revenge, by...slaughtering his family.

  • Leaving Dante an orphan.

  • Bummer. Hate it when that happens.

  • Wiz- With his mother gone, and his brother assumed dead, Dante was left with only one option:

  • Become the ultimate Demon Hunter, and...perpetuate the cycle of vengeance.

  • -Wiz Despite the dangerous nature of his occupation,

  • Dante always maintains a carefree spirit, while dispatching devils of the Underworld.

  • -Boomstick It's part of his charm.

  • Hell, when you've got abilities like Dante's, why NOT be a little cocky?

  • He's faster than the mortal eye can see, strong enough to grapple with the Undeworld's toughest demons,

  • And straight-up MAN enough to shake off being stabbed through the chest, like, every goddamn day!

  • -Wiz That's thanks to his regenerative ability.

  • In fact, ALL of that is made possible due to his demonic heritage,

  • and made even MORE deadly by his plethora of weapons.

  • His favorites being his dual pistols, and enormous sword.

  • -Boomstick Like any proud weapon owner, he gives his tools of destruction pet names.

  • His guns, Ebony and Ivory, specialize in long-range shots and rapid-fire barrages, respectively.

  • These handcannons are SO powerful, they can each obliterate demons in a single shot.

  • -Dante I think that look suits you better.

  • *Cue laugh track*

  • -Boomstick Rebellion is a large, magical sword, given to him by his pops,

  • which can cut any demon down to size in the blink of an eye.

  • He's also got his brother's sword, Yamato, which can cut through DIMENSIONS!

  • -Wiz Throughout his adventures, Dante also collected a wide assortment of additional weaponry called Devil Arms,

  • physical manifestations of powerful demons he has defeated.

  • -Boomstick Remember Megaman? I-it's that. But on steroids!

  • His armor, Gilgamesh Gauntlets, increase his striking power,

  • letting him shatter huge monoliths with a lethal, one-inch punch.

  • -Boomstick With Lucifer - the backpack, not the devil - Dante basically throws infinite lightsabers.

  • He's also got an electric guitar, which is literally electric.

  • Ice-powered nunchucks, grenade launchers, shotguns, and, I kid you not,

  • a briefcase that can transform into 666 different weapons,

  • Ranging from a giant Beyblade, to a flying turret gun.

  • Where does he POSSIBLY keep all this stuff!?

  • -Wiz Really, REALLY deep pockets.

  • Or, perhaps, it's one of his styles, abilities he has also acquired from defeating demon bosses.

  • With Doppelganger Style, he can duplicate himself,

  • with Trickster Style, he can teleport instantly,

  • with Royal Guard Style, he becomes a nigh-impervious dreadnought,

  • AND he can even slow down time with the Quicksilver Style.

  • -Boomstick On the rare occasion Dante feels he needs to get serious, he enters the Devil Trigger,

  • a transformation that taps into his demonic heritage to unleash his true devil form.

  • Devil Trigger dramatically increases his strength, speed, and healing power, AND he can fly!

  • -Wiz Being so well-armed, Dante is more than capable of handling entire hordes of demons on his own,

  • although this doesn't stop some of his allies from joining in from time-to-time.

  • This includes Trish, a demon-lady who occasionally fights alongside him,

  • and happens to resemble his deceased mother....

  • Talk about giving somebody an Oedipus complex.

  • -Boomstick Hey, if I may quote an old family saying,

  • "If she's not directly related, she's safe to be dated."

  • -Wiz That explains a lot...

  • Luckily, and quite surprisingly, that avenue was never explored -- thank god.

  • Boomstick- Dante is a walking, talking, feat-achieving machine.

  • One time, after getting impaled by FOUR demons at once, he pushed one so hard, it exploded,

  • and dropped a ceiling fan on the other three.

  • All while eating a slice of pizza!

  • Oh...and when their friend showed up, he challenged them to a game of billiards.

  • [Asshole, corner pocket.]

  • He won.

  • Dante has run down the side of a building so fast, he caught fire,

  • similar to a spacecraft re-entering the atmosphere at approximately 17,000 MPH.

  • -Boomstick And he's even capable of taking out others just as overpowered as himself. Like his brother, Vergil,

  • who was NOT dead, but...evil.

  • He stopped a colossal punch from THIS titanic monster, without breaking a sweat,

  • shrugged off bombardment by meteors,

  • and eventually avenged his mother by defeating the demon lord, Mundus.

  • In space.

  • -Boomstick You may be asking yourself: "Can ANYTHING stop this guy?!?"

  • Yes.

  • Dante DOES have a limit to how much punishment he can take,

  • but if there's anything that could take him down, it's his own cocky attitude.

  • -Wiz In the words of the ancient Chinese philosopher, Laozi,

  • -Boomstick I'm gonna have to disagree with ol' Laozi here,

  • pretty sure there's no greater danger than telling a woman those pants do, in fact, make her ass look fat.

  • -??? You...BASTAAAAARD!

  • -Dante And, jackpot.

  • -Wiz From the angels of Paradiso, to the demons of Inferno, there is a name feared by both the light and the dark.

  • And her name...

  • [is JOHN CENA!]

  • is Bayonetta.

  • [I like mine better.]

  • -Boomstick To any normal guy walking down the street,

  • she may look like your average 7-ft. tall, GARGANTUAN Amazon-woman with good fashion sense.

  • But Bayonetta is ACTUALLY one of the last Umbra Witches, a clan of mystics allied with demonkind.

  • -Wiz Named Cereza upon birth,

  • she spent her early life growing up an outcast due to her parents being from rival clans.

  • Her father, a Lumin Sage, and her mother, an Umbra Witch.

  • -Boomstick See, the Sages and Witches had one rule to follow:

  • DON'T make babies with the opposite clan, because, according to prophecy,

  • it would bring on the destruction of the universe.

  • So, naturally, it was only a matter of time before SOMEbody couldn't keep it in their pants.

  • Ahh...pullin' out works every time, but the last time.

  • -Wiz You would know...

  • With the pact now broken, war ensued between the two factions. In the end, only two witches survived:

  • Cereza, and her rival/future friend, Jeanne.

  • Hoping to prevent the Apocalypse, Jeanne used a special dagger to seal away Cereza's memories,

  • and put her into a 500-year long coma.

  • -Boomstick When Cereza woke up from her epic power nap, she took on her new name - Bayonetta -

  • and set out to find her lost memories.

  • Luckily for her, she had just the right weapon for the job:

  • her hair!

  • -Wiz As an Umbra Witch, not only does her hair serve as her clothing,

  • -Boomstick Which I'm having a REAAAALLY hard time deciding whether or not that's hot, or..just disgusting.

  • -Wiz she can also use it to summon the demon, Madama Butterfly, to aid her in battle.

  • This technique, the Wicked Weaves,

  • creates portals for the giant demon to deliver devestating punches and kicks.

  • Bayonetta can also walk on walls and ceilings with Witch Walk,

  • and even transform into animals to fly, run super-fast, and dodge attacks.

  • -Wiz But her most useful technique is Witch Time.

  • By slowing down time itself, Bayonetta can dodge..practically anything,

  • while unleashing a barrage of attacks.

  • -Boomstick Bayonetta is basically a tall, sexy armory.

  • She wields gauntlets, called Durga, which attack with fire and electricity,

  • a huge scythe that ROTS the SOULS of its victims,

  • and a friggin' lightsaber called Pillow Talk.

  • She has a bow that fires poison arrows, a chainsaw made of dragon scales,

  • a MASSIVE hammer that can cause earthquakes with every strike,

  • and even ice skates! Which..attack with ice.

  • Obviously.

  • But her most beloved weapons are her 4-pistol set called Love is Blue.

  • Rather than swap between them like a normal person, she somehow manages to wield all of them at once,

  • by using not only her hands, but also her feet.

  • -Boomstick How does THAT work? Does she have, like, some kind of weird...thumbs on her ankles, or something?

  • (That would kinda detract from the hotness factor just a bit-)

  • OH MY GOD.

  • She's covered in hair, and she uses her feet like hands!

  • SHE'S A MONKEY.

  • MONKEY WITCH!

  • -Bayonetta This is awkward.

  • Wiz- I...highly doubt that.

  • She probably just uses some sort of magic.

  • Speaking of magic, when Bayonetta wants to unleash her full potential,

  • she triggers her Umbran Climax.

  • [Boomstick, you perv.]

  • Which increases her strength and lets her summon Madama Butterfly's full, unrestrained power.

  • When fully-unleashed, Madama Butterfly can shatter huge meteors by headbutting them.

  • -Boomstick Ahh...climax.

  • By herself, Bayonetta has pulled off some impressive feats.

  • She's strong enough to kick military jets into the air,

  • headbutt skyscrapers across the city,

  • and even throw satellites, with her legs, in outer space.

  • Oh, by the way, she can survive outer space.

  • -Wiz Using Witch Time, she was able to defeat...THIS thing,

  • in only a matter of real-time seconds.

  • Even without Witch Time, her reaction speed is astronomical.

  • For example:

  • When a Lumin Sage stopped time to position newly-fired bullets about 3 feet behind her,

  • she managed to not only turn and identify the incoming threat, but also dodge ALL 16 of them.

  • -Wiz Considering regular bullets travel around 2,500 feet per second. She must have pulled all that off in less than ONE-THOUSANDTH OF A SECOND!

  • -Boomstick And then there's that one time, when she killed God.

  • You know, by scissoring her hair with Jeanne's,

  • and punching the Creator's SOUL across the entire solar system, into the sun?

  • -Wiz Okay, obviously Bayonetta's feats and abilities are ABSOLUTELY ridiculous!

  • But she IS sometimes rather inconsistent.

  • -Boomstick Despite her reaction time, she's been caught off-guard by enemies,

  • ranging from a half-god called Lobster,

  • or...something like that,

  • and even a plant-monster, that managed to grab her out of the air.

  • -Wiz But, regardless of whatever weaknesses she may have,

  • Bayonetta has achieved more than anyone can possibly imagine, despite being 100% human.

  • -Boomstick Wait, she IS human!?!

  • Dibs.

  • -Bayonetta Alright. Let's dance, baby.

  • -Wiz Alright, the combatants are set. Let's end this debate once and for all.

  • -Boomstick But first, we made another videogame! And it sure would be swell if you buy it.

  • The nerd is back for an all new adventure.

  • Crush your enemies!

  • Navigate new puzzles!

  • Fucking helicopters!

  • Giant fucking alligators!

  • Fast fucking race cars!

  • FUCKING FLAMING TANUKI BALLS!

  • And lots more shit!

  • Coming March, 29 to PC and MAC. Preorder now on steam and get 10% off and a soundtrack free.

  • But right now,

  • IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!

  • -??? Another wandering, lost soul, I see?

  • -Dante Wow.

  • Lost? Nah.

  • I'm looking for something called a 'Left Eye.'

  • Care to give me a hand?

  • Could be fun.

  • -??? Hmph. I see.

  • But if you're looking for the Left Eye, that would either make you an angel...

  • -Bayonetta ...or a demon.

  • -Announcer FIGHT!

  • -Bayonetta Get back!

  • -Bayonetta Take this!

  • -Dante Woah!

  • -Bayonetta Too slow...

  • -Bayonetta Take THIS!

  • Mmm...what a disappointing finish.

  • -Dante That all you got, sister?

  • -Bayonetta Ah! Looks like you're more of a man than I thought.

  • -Dante Come on!

  • -Bayonetta No touching...

  • W-what?!

  • -Dante Haven't used THIS in a while.

  • Still got it!

  • -Dante In the money!

  • Hahahaa!

  • Jackpot!

  • -Bayonetta You're a naughty boy, hitting a girl like that...

  • YOU need to be taught a lesson!

  • -Dante Ohooh! Now THIS is what I'm talkin' about!

  • -Bayonetta If you like that, you're gonna LOVE this...

  • *Nom*

  • -Dante Phwoo! Your breath STINKS!

  • -Bayonetta This is where we part ways, love.

  • -Dante After you.

  • -Trish Dante!

  • -Dante Ah, c'mon, Trish!

  • You missed.

  • -Trish Oh, don't be a baby.

  • Let's finish her off!

  • -Bayonetta Jeanne.

  • -Jeanne Cereza.

  • Having some guy trouble?

  • -Bayonetta Not to worry.

  • I've got this one handled.

  • -Trish Wait.