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  • Wiz: This episode of DEATH BATTLE is brought to you by: Jackthreads.

  • (Cues: Invader - Jim Johnston)

  • Today we're pitting two of the most worthless damsels in distress against each other.

  • Boomstick: If they're not getting kidnapped, they're always nagging at you to do stuff.

  • Wiz: Princess Zelda, from the realm of Hyrule.

  • Boomstick: And Princess Peach, of the Mushroom Kingdom.

  • Wiz: I'm Wiz and he's Boomstick, and it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win a DEATH BATTLE.

  • Being a descendent of the house of Hyrule, Princess Zelda has spent her entire life governing her kingdom.

  • Despite having a king, the majority of royal decisions are actually made by her.

  • Boomstick: Talk about a control freak.

  • And why do they let her get away with it?

  • I mean, she's lost her kingdom to the forces of evil more times than I can count!

  • Wiz: Between being waited on hand and foot, Zelda has spent some time training with her modest arsenal.

  • Boomstick: Bows, magic, musical instruments.

  • She even carries a sword and dagger, but has little experience with them.

  • Her weapon of choice is bow, which she wields with deadly accuracy.

  • Plus, she can use her magic to turn an ordinary arrow to the powerful Light Arrow, perfect for killing evil.

  • Wiz: Speaking of which, Zelda is an incredibly potent spellcaster.

  • While most of her magic is for use outside of combat, she is more than capable of holding her own.

  • She can teleport with Farore's Wind, shield herself with Nayru's Love, and cast pyrokinetic projectiles with Din's Fire.

  • Boomstick: Also, she can talk... with dead people.

  • Wiz: Spirits.

  • Boomstick: Like Boos?

  • Wiz: Zelda is also the bearer of the legendary Triforce of Wisdom, a testament to her astute mind.

  • This greatly enhances her magical prowess and gives her the power to dispel evil.

  • She is even skilled enough to create long-lasting disguises.

  • She used the guise of Shiek to evade Ganon's tyranny for over seven years.

  • Boomstick: Wait, that's a chick??

  • But where's her...um...

  • Wiz: It SHOULD be noted however that the forms of Sheik and Tetra are nothing more than disguises, and abilities attributed to them would naturally be available to Zelda.

  • Boomstick: Yeah, but why would you want to toss tiny needles at people when you can shoot fireballs with your mind?

  • Wiz: Well Zelda is clever, mystically powerful, and helps battle Ganon when necessary, she repeatedly relies on the aid of others.

  • Her success at avoiding capture can be largely attributed to her guardians and sanctuaries.

  • Boomstick: She's really good at getting other people to do stuff for her.

  • Wiz: Right, she is a master manipulator.

  • She can always convince a naive young hero to do her dirty work for her with little to no reward.

  • Boomstick: How many times does this guy have to save you? Put out already!

  • Link: You called for a hero, princess?

  • Zelda: Yes! But I guess you'll have to do.

  • (Cues: SSBM - Princess Peach's Castle)

  • Wiz: At first glance, Princess Peach appears to be your standard meek and helpless damsel-in-distress.

  • Boomstick: And that's pretty damn accurate.

  • Being a member of the Royal Toadstool family, Peach spends most of her time getting herself kidnapped, or baking cakes in the kitchen like any good woman should.

  • Wiz: Despite being a wealthy princess with a royal guard more than capable of defending the castle, she has been kidnapped over a dozen times.

  • Boomstick: Yet somehow, while still behind bars, she can send mail to Mario through outer space containing items and extra lives.

  • Hey lady, next time, just send yourself!

  • Wiz: Peach is an extremely athletic and capable fighter.

  • She has participated in a variety of different sports, including soccer, basketball, and kart racing, and has survived every single Mario Party.

  • And as we've said before, Mario Party is no walking the park.

  • Boomstick: Peach's unique array of weaponry includes a tennis racket, golf club, frying pan, and turnips!

  • Which she can apparently pull out of her...

  • Wiz: She ALSO wields Perry the Parasol, an umbrella capable of powerful strikes and magical properties.

  • Boomstick: Oh, and one of her most valuable weapons is her @$$!

  • She can hit someone with that thing so hard that something down there explodes.

  • (Cues: Mario Strikers Charged - Peach's Theme)

  • Wiz: Peach also wields a form of magic called Heart Power.

  • With it, she can float in midair for an indefinite period of time, cast healing spells, and summon lambs from the sky to put her foes to sleep.

  • Boomstick: Don't pet that sheep, or you might wake up in a stranger's van.

  • Wiz: And ever since being touched by the Vibe Scepter, she can channel her emotions into raw mystic power.

  • When she rages, she becomes invulnerable but slows tremendously.

  • Boomstick: Hold up! Touched by the WHAT NOW??!!

  • Wiz: The Vibe Scepter.

  • Boomstick: (laughs)

  • (laughs) Wiz: Oh.... (clears throat)

  • But Peach's magic reaches its climax with-

  • Boomstick: (laughing uncontrollably)

  • Wiz: With her Mega Strike technique, Empress Peach, a kick so powerful, it splits a soccer ball into three separate ones, delivering enough force to score three times.

  • Boomstick: (continues laughing) STOP! I CAN'T TALK!

  • Wiz: Peach's Heart Power also naturally dispels evil magics, which is the actual reason why Bowser always kidnaps her.

  • Boomstick: Really?

  • I thought it was because of... well...

  • Wiz: Peach has assisted Mario in battles several times, once even saving him from Bowser on her own.

  • Even so, she still needs rescuing on a daily basis, and her gratitude usually only goes as far as a kiss and a cake.

  • Boomstick: What's with all these princesses not puttin' out? Give it up already!

  • Peach: Listen everybody!

  • Let's bake a delicious cake... for Mario.

  • Wiz: All right the combatants are set!

  • Let's end this debate once and for all!

  • Boomstick: IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BA--

  • Wiz: No, wait wait wait we gotta do an ad.

  • Boomstick: WHAT!?

  • Wiz: Want some great apparel brands but don't have the cash.

  • Boomstick: I knew I shouldn't have spent all my money on my famous mustache collection.

  • Wiz: With Jackthreads you can get deals up to 80% off every day.

  • Jackthreads is an invite exclusive deal in your in.

  • Boomstick: Go to Jacktreads.com/Battle for instant access.

  • Wiz: And did i mention that it's free!?

  • Boomstick: No.

  • Wiz: Well it is.

  • Boomstick: Well great now I get mustaches and apparel.

  • I'm gonna check that out right after a DEATH BATTLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!

  • Announcer: FIGHT!

  • (Cues: Mario Strikers Charged - Peach's Theme)

  • Peach: Alright!

  • Zelda: (screams)

  • Peach: Did I win?

  • Announcer: K.O.!

  • (Cues: Super Mario RPG - Forest Maze) Boomstick: GOOOOOAAAL!!!

  • Wiz: Zelda's offensive arsenal is relatively limited and predictable compared to Peach's quirky repertoire.

  • Boomstick: And while most of Peach's attacks aren't fatal, the Mega Strike, Empress Peach, gave her a leg up.

  • Wiz: See, a soccer ball is typically a kept add up to 12 psi, but since Peach's Mega Strike creates 2 more, it has enough force to add up to 24 pounds per square inch, or about 165,000 newtons per square meter.

  • As 1,000 newtons can cause decapitation and 15 psi can shatter the human skull, the Mega Strike is so over-excessive it didn't just kill Zelda, it obliterated her.

  • Boomstick: She kicked her in the face really hard and it went boom.

  • Wiz: Yeah, in layman's terms, I guess...

  • Boomstick: Peach sure fleeced Zelda in this fight.

  • Wiz: The winner is: Princess Peach.

  • Boomstick: Thanks for watchin'! Now watch more I command you.

  • Click the link in front of you and view more DEATH BATTLE.

  • Wiz: And be sure to subscribe to us here and check out more awesome content over at Screwattack.com

  • Have a suggestion for a future DEATH BATTLE? Leave in the comments below.

  • Boomstick: Special thanks to Lang for the badass animation.

  • Wiz: To see more of Lang's work just click in the description below.

  • Boomstick: Thanks for watchin'!

Wiz: This episode of DEATH BATTLE is brought to you by: Jackthreads.

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B2 peach zelda princess mario battle mega

Zelda VS Peach | DEATH BATTLE!

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/07/02
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