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  • This episode of Death Battle is brought to you by SQUARESPACE

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  • Throughout Death Battle we've seen all manner of weapons and abilities

  • but these two combatants command the very earth around them

  • GAARA OF THE DESERT

  • And Toph Beifong, The Blind Bandit

  • HE'S WIZ, AND I'M BOOMSTICK

  • And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills

  • To find out who would win a Death Battle

  • Gaara of the desert is a short, skinny, pale, stick of a kid

  • But he's also one of the deadliest Shinobi in the world

  • HE LOOKS LIKE A MEMBER OF GREENDAY

  • Gaara is the son of the 4th Kazekage, leader of the of The Village Hidden In The Sand

  • Born prematurely at the cost of his mother's life,

  • Gaara was destined for a childhood of depression and loneliness from the get-go

  • NOT EVEN A MINUTE OLD AND ALREADY HAS A KILL UNDER HIS BELT

  • THOUGH...TECHNICALLY HE HAD A LITTLE HELP, BECAUSE, YA SEE...

  • AS HE WAS BEING BORN, HIS FATHER WAS LIKE

  • "HEY! YOU KNOW WHAT'D BE AWESOME?"

  • "USING NINJA MAGIC TO SEAL A HORRIBLE MONSTER IN MY SON'S BELLY...

  • TO TURN HIM INTO AN ULTIMATE WEAPON"

  • The process was successful, and Gaara became a jinchūriki i:

  • Human beaings who have powerful tailed beasts trapped within them

  • Gaara's beast was Shukaku:

  • A giant Tanuki with power over sand

  • AWW I WANT A TANUKI AS A PET. THEY'RE SO FLUFFY AND ADORABLE

  • YOU JUST WANNA HU-

  • OH GOD, HOLY SHIT! WHAT IS THAT!?

  • Shukaku loathed humanity, and at first Gaara had difficulty controlling the monster's rage,

  • accidentally hurting others

  • As such he was shunned by his own people, forced to live a secluded life

  • WELL, YEAH.

  • I MEAN, HE'S GOT A GOD DAMNED TUMMY MONSTER

  • IT'S NOT LIKE PEPTO BISMOL IS SOLVING OF THAT

  • Convinced his only option was to fight and care for only himself,

  • Gaara became a ruthless killing machine

  • BUT IT'S NOT ALL BAD

  • HAVING A DIGESTIVE DESERT DEMON GIVES HIM CONTROL OVER ALL THINGS SAND

  • HE CAN WIELD IT AS A WEAPON, USING HIS MIND TO TRAP AND CRUSH HIS FOES

  • OH, AND HE CAN ALSO USE IT TO FRICKIN' FLY

  • HOW THE HELL DOES THAT WORK?

  • He can mentally adjust the density of his sand

  • Whether it needs to be lighter than air, or stronger than steel

  • He can even use it to stop bombs powerful enough to wipe out an entire village

  • He can control any sand in his vicinity using his Chakra

  • A spiritual energy Shinobi access for superhuman abilities

  • such as walking up a tree

  • THIS GUY IS LIKE THE ULTIMATE EMO KID

  • BUT I'M NOT GONNA GIVE HIM TOO MUCH CRAP,

  • BECAUSE HE CAN USE EXISTING SAND TO CRUSH THE GROUND AROUND HIM FOR EVEN MORE SAND

  • SO, HE'S NEVER WITHOUT EASY ACCESS TO AMMO

  • DESPITE THIS, HE STILL CARRIES A GIGANTIC GOURD OF SAND ON HIS BACK

  • It's huge! You'd that'd be hard on his spine

  • Interestingly enough, it's unique shape and size is a reference to how in Japanese folklore

  • Tanuki's were considered to be so well-endowed

  • They'd have to sling their testicles over their shoulders

  • AWESOME

  • But the thing is, Gaara's gourd isn't carrying around any ordinary testicles

  • I mean sand!

  • Gaara has infused his own chakra into the gourd sand

  • THIS DIRECTLY LINKS IT TO GAARA, MAKING IT MUCH EASIER FOR HIM TO CONTROL

  • HE'S SO SKILLED WITH IT, HE CAN EVEN FORGE WEAPONS FROM IT,

  • BURY PEOPLE UNDERROUND,

  • OR SEND IT INTO SOMEONE'S BLOODSTREAM AND CONTROL THEM LIKE SOME SORT OF PUPPET

  • TALK ABOUT AN ITCH YOU'RE NOT GONNA SCRATH

  • Also, Gaara eventually battled and defeated his own father

  • Who happened to be a zombie at the time

  • His father used a magnetic release ability

  • To control gold dust, much like Gaara does sand

  • EVEN THOUGH HE CAN'T DO THE ZOMBIE-DAD MAGNET THING,

  • GAARA ADDED GOLD DUST TO HIS GOURD SAND ANYWAY

  • GIVING HIM MORE CONTROL OVER ITS WEIGHT

  • But wait, there's more:

  • With her dying breath, Gaara's mother somehow imparted her own power into this sand

  • It became living sand, an extension of her will

  • determined to follow and protect Gaara

  • It will spring from the gourd to defend him from any danger

  • Regardless of risk and without command

  • THIS ABSOLUTE DEFENSIVE TECHNIQUE IS CALLED...

  • THE ABSOLUTE DEFENSE

  • PRETTY GOOD NAME, REALLY

  • GAARA'S SAND IS SO DENSE AND FAST, ONLY SOMEONE WHO CAN MOVE NEARLY THE SPEED OF SOUND

  • CAN PASS IT

  • Gaara can also use everyday sand to create defenses

  • Such as his sand armor

  • Which encases him in a shell to soften blows

  • Unlike his automatic Absolute Defense, the sand armor is self-created

  • And requires a large amount of his Chakra to maintain

  • GAARA'S SKILL WITH SAND IS ONLY LIMITED BY HOW MUCH CHAKRA HE'S GOT LEFT IN HIS SYSTEM

  • AFTER RUNNING LOW, HE COULD TAG OUT AND GIVE SHUKAKU A TURN FIGHTING

  • UNTIL A GROUP OF CRAZY PEOPLE LITERALLY PULLED THE SAND MONSTER FROM HIS BODY FOR GOOD

  • THAT MUST HAVE HURT

  • IT'S GOTTA BE, LIKE, TWICE AS BAD AS THE NIGHT AFTER CHIPOTLE

  • He...died

  • OH

  • THE SAME, THEN

  • Turns out, losing Shukaku was actually a blessing in disguise

  • After being resurrected

  • Gaara spent some time reevaluating his emotional rollercoaster of a life

  • Inspired by Naruto Uzomaki, he began to truly understand compassion

  • His attitude changed, his people began supporting him

  • He even commanded the allied Shinobi forces during The 4th Great Shinobi War

  • And, like his late father, Gaara also became-

  • A ZOMBIE!?

  • Kazekage

  • DAMN!

  • WELL, EVEN NON-ZOMBIE AND MISSING SHUKAKU

  • GAARA STILL RETAINED HIS POWERFUL CHAKRA AND SKILL OVER SAND

  • In their fight, Gaara was so powerful his father mistook him for Shukaku itself

  • Despite the sand monster being long gone

  • GAARA IS STRONGER AND SMARTER THAN EVER

  • ALL THANKS TO HIS MOTHER'S LOVE

  • I MISS MOMMA BOOMSTICK

  • Few can withstand the overwhelming power of this sand Shinobi

  • Or momma Boomstick's cooking

  • HEY!

  • YOU'RE UNINVITED TO THANKSGIVING

  • *Laughing* I never was!

  • EXACTLY

  • *Screaming*

  • *footsteps*

  • As the only child of the wealthy Beifong family

  • Toph was kept a secret from the rest of the world

  • Hidden away, she was pampered and guarded like a fragile child

  • He parents were hopeful she could someday become a noble, respected member of Earth Kingdom's society

  • BUT THEIR HOPES WERE PRETTY MUCH DASHED FROM THE MOMENT SHE POPPED OUT

  • SEE THOSE FADED WHITES?

  • YEAH, TOPH'S COMPLETELY BLIND

  • "My daughter is blind! She is blind, and tiny, and helpless, and fragile"

  • STILL, FRAGILE IS THE LAST WORD THAT I WOULD WANNA USE TO DESCRIBE THIS CHICK

  • Frustrated by her parent's stubborn coddling,

  • Toph ran away from home at the age of six and ended up losing her way in a cave

  • Until she was rescued by some giant badger-moles

  • Yes

  • They're badgers...and they are moles

  • IMAGINE ONE OF THOSE THINGS BURROWING INTO YOUR HOME

  • WHAT KIND OF PEST CONTROL DO YOU EVEN CALL FOR THAT?

  • OH WAIT, I KNOW

  • FIRE

  • Like Toph, badger-moles are blind

  • so the took a liking to her

  • WELL HOW THE HELL WOULD THEY KNOW?

  • And as the original artists of the craft,

  • The badger-moles began teaching her in the art of earth bending

  • THESE GIANT VARMINTS TAUGHT TOPH HOW TO MANIPULATE ROCK AND STONE

  • USING MOVEMENT SIMILAR TO THE CHU GAR PRAYING MANTIS MARTIAL ART

  • TOPH CAN TELEKINETICALLY THROW, GROW, SHRINK, AND ALTER EARTH IN ANY CONCEIVABLE WAY

  • MAKING FOR SOME PRETTY DOWN TO EARTH ATTACKS AND DEFENSES

  • The badger-moles also taught Toph how to see

  • WAIT! THESE RIDICULOUS CREATURES ARE ALSO MASTERS OF LASEK SURGERY?

  • No, Toph does not use her eyes to see

  • Of course her other senses are extremely accurate

  • And as a master bender, Toph can sense the location of earth anywhere

  • Even more impressive, though

  • The badger-moles navigate their tunnels using an eath bending technique known as the seismic sense

  • And Toph quickly picked up on this talent

  • It's kind of like sonar, detecting the exact location and movement of a person or object

  • Through their interaction with the ground

  • "I feel the vibrations in the Earth"

  • "And I can see where everything is"

  • "You...that tree. Even those ants"

  • She feels every movement, every footstep,

  • Every heartbeat

  • So precisely she can even tell if a person's lying

  • A WOMAN WHO CAN ALWAYS TELL WHEN I'M LYING?

  • NOOO THANK YOU

  • TOPH IS SO GOOD AT THIS THAT EVEN HER CLOSEST FRIENDS SOMETIMES FORGET SHE'S BLIND

  • "Ow!"

  • "Sorry"

  • BUT DON'T WORRY

  • THEY'RE REMINDED

  • IN ONLY 6 YEARS TOPH HAD COMPLETELY MASTERED EARTH BENDING

  • SHE EVEN WON THE EARTH RUMBLE FOUR TOURNAMENT MULTIPLE TIMES UNDER HER STAGE NAME

  • THE BLIND BANDIT

  • But Toph didn't stop her training with just earth bending

  • At first, sorter earth proved difficult for her seismic sense

  • "I feel the vibrations in the ground with my feet"

  • "But this sand is so loose and shifty. It makes everything look fuzzy"

  • But she has since demonstrated her mastery in both sand bending and mud bending

  • She can also change the density of earth from sand to stone and back

  • And before you start making any density or hardening innuendos

  • She's 12

  • I...OH, OKAY

  • BUT HER GREATEST ACHIEVEMENT IS THE DISCOVERY OF AN ALL NEW BENDING ART

  • ONE THOUGHT TO BE IMPOSSIBLE

  • METAL BENDING

  • By manipulating the earthy composition within,

  • Toph can bend nearly any type of metal just as well as stone

  • The exception being highly purified metals such as platinum

  • TOPH QUICKLY MASTERED METAL BENDING AND WENT ON TO TEACH IT TO OTHERS

  • She eventually even founded and led a metal bending police force

  • AND THAT'S AFTER CONQUERING EARTH RUMBLE 4,

  • HOLDING UP A BUILDING THE SIZE OF A CASTLE,

  • DEFEATING AN ENTIRE ARMY ALMOST SINGLE HANDEDLY,

  • AND DUELING KING BOOMY TO A STANDSTILL

  • AND THAT GUY HAS CONQUERED AN ENTIRE HOSTILE CITY

  • BY HIMSELF

  • Even in her old age, Toph was capable of going one on one with the new Avatar

  • And her seismic sense could locate people

  • Across the world

  • SHE KNOWS WHEN I'VE LIED AND WHERE I'VE BEEN?

  • WOMEN SHOULD NOT HAVE THESE POWERS

  • "I am the greatest earth bender in the world"

  • "Don't you two dunder heads ever forget it"

  • All right, the combatants are set

  • Let's end this debate once and for all

  • IT'S TIME FOR A DEATH BATTLE!!!

  • Eagh. Talk about a rough ride.

  • You do not belong here; This is sacred ground.

  • Leave!

  • pfft. Oh yeah, tough guy?

  • Make me.

  • Interesting.

  • She commands stone as fluently as I control sand.

  • Toph: By the way, I can tell you're using your sand to smash up the ground underneath us for more ammo.

  • Pretty smart for a sand-man.

  • Too bad I'm gonna kick your butt before you can use any of it!

  • *grunts*

  • I can't underestimate her.

  • I need time.

  • Huh?

  • Whoa!

  • *gasps* Sorry grumpy! I'm not ready to be a shishkebab just yet!

  • Come on! Are you really that scared of a little blind girl?

  • I'm touched.

  • *Gaara grunts*

  • Your eyes.

  • Yours are not the eyes of loneliness, like mine. *face is heard cracking*

  • They are...

  • Blank.

  • Impressive insight, Gloomsville.

  • I'm digging the whole 'wearing sand' thing, though.

  • That's new.

  • Hey! No fair!

  • You need your arms to control the earth.

  • I will remove them.

  • Dream on, creep!

  • It'll take a lot more sand than that to take me down!

  • That's the plan.

  • Oh crud.

  • Sand Coffin!

  • Sand Burial!

  • It is done.

  • *metal shattering*

  • Geez, I almost felt that.

  • That's impossible!

  • Are you kidding? Pay attention, sandy.