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  • (WIZ) This especially stealthy episode of DEATH BATTLE was made possible thanks to the upcoming action-comedy film, SPY, from 20th Century Fox.

  • Starring Melissa McCarthy, Jason Statham, Rose Byrne, and Jude Law.

  • (BOOMSTICK) It's coming to theaters June 5. And if you enjoy this episode, then you should definitely go check it out. Maybe I'll see you there!

  • (WIZ) They are the government's best-kept secrets:

  • masters of stealth trained to kill in a hundred different ways from the shadows or face-to-face.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Solid Snake, the legendary soldier of "Metal Gear."

  • (WIZ) Sam Fisher, "Splinter Cell"'s ultimate predator.

  • (BOOMSTICK) He's Wiz, and I'm Boomstick.

  • (WIZ) And it's our job to analyze their weapons, armor, and skills to find out who would win...a DEATH BATTLE.

  • (WIZ) His name was simply "David," and he had one clear purpose in life:

  • become the successor to the greatest soldier who ever lived.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Why? Because he was cloned from him.

  • Strap in, ladies and gentlemen; this origin's a doozy.

  • (WIZ) As a secret government project, "David" was created using eggs donated by a Japanese scientist

  • and grown in the womb of a femme fatale spy, along with seven other would-be brothers.

  • (BOOMSTICK) She was ALMOST the original Octomom,

  • except they scrambled six of them to somehow empower the remaining two.

  • (WIZ) According to prophecy,

  • one of these twins would bring ruin to the world,

  • while the other would save it. So, that kinda works out.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Born to be a soldier, he joined the Green Berets as a teenager,

  • and later joined the C.I.A., the U.S. Army, and finally, the high-tech Black Ops group called FOXHOUND.

  • Here, his deadly stealth techniques earned him his legendary codename.

  • Solid Snake.

  • (WIZ) While serving under the Special Forces unit, he received training from the very man he was cloned from,

  • Big Boss.

  • (BOOMSTICK) But, on his very first mission for FOXHOUND, war itself changed.

  • After infiltrating the military nation, Outer Heaven, to rescue a fellow agent,

  • Snake uncovered plans for the creation of a gigantic walking weapon that could air-mail a nuke to anywhere in the world.

  • It was called "Metal Gear."

  • (WIZ) Despite being a FOXHOUND rookie, Snake destroyed the Metal Gear

  • AND discovered that Big Boss himself was apparently leading the enemy.

  • After killing his own "father"--supposedly--Snake had had enough and entered early retirement.

  • (BOOMSTICK) But, since he had single-handedly destroyed a walking nuke-shooter AND the greatest soldier who ever lived,

  • Snake became the next soldier of legend.

  • Anytime a new Metal Gear showed up, Snake was pulled back into the fray,

  • when all he really wanted to do was get drunk in Alaska and dogsled race with his 50 Huskies.

  • Talk about living the dream...

  • (WIZ) Turns out Big Boss wasn't quite as dead as people thought.

  • Even after Snake burned him alive with nothing but a lighter and a can of hairspray...

  • (BOOMSTICK) History's greatest soldier, everyone!

  • (WIZ) ...These Metal Gears kept showing up.

  • Soon, Snake was an expert at destroying these robotic behemoths.

  • (BOOMSTICK) He even piloted a Metal Gear to destroy another Metal Gear

  • that was designed to kill Metal Gears!

  • Whoa...

  • (WIZ) But, Snake did not earn his reputation as the icon of stealth by going in guns blazing.

  • Although he knows how to use almost any weapon he finds,

  • he keeps his load light by entering missions with only the bare essentials.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Snake carries a Ruger mk. II pistol with tranquilizer darts, perfect for silent takedowns.

  • But if he wants to get lethal, he whips out his 1911 Operator, one of my favorite handguns ever.

  • And he's got a Stun Knife, which is like if a TASER and a knife had a baby.

  • All three of which he incorporates into his specialized fighting style: CQC,

  • a brutal mix of hand-to-hand combat and gunplay taught to him by Big Boss himself.

  • (WIZ) Preferring to remain unseen, these weapons wouldn't do Snake much good

  • without other tools to keep him hidden from his enemies.

  • Snake's outfitted with his OctoCamo,

  • a smart camouflage which can match the color, texture, and temperature of his surroundings.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Not even the Gecko-Bots, with their infrared and night-vision tracking, can find Snake in this camo.

  • Plus, he's always aware of his surroundings thanks to his high-tech eyepatch, the Solid Eye.

  • (WIZ) He's not actually missing an eye; it's more like a... monocle from the future,

  • with infrared, night-vision, and radar.

  • Snake's also been injected with nanomachines, which energize his body, and his CODEC,

  • an internal radio system.

  • The CODEC allows two-way communication which is 100% silent, almost like telepathy.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Feeding him info from the other side of the CODEC is his best friend, Otacon,

  • a pathetic, cowering nerd with horrible bladder control.

  • But he's also really good at hacking computer systems, so I guess he gets by.

  • Give him enough time and Otacon can hack into any top-secret facility.

  • (WIZ) Apart from Big Boss, Snake has defeated cybernetic ninjas, psychics, his own twin,

  • and of course several giant Metal Gears.

  • (BOOMSTICK) He can wield a railgun as powerful as a tank with his bare hands,

  • and once blew up an actual tank using nothing but a couple of grenades.

  • (WIZ) And once, he powered through a sealed hallway while being bombarded with microwaves and survived.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Who throws microwaves at people? Come on!

  • (WIZ) No, Boomstick, it's more like he was INSIDE a giant microwave.

  • (BOOMSTICK) My God... Think of the size of a Hot Pocket you could make with that!

  • (WIZ) Under the effects of microwaves, a normal man's skin would deteriorate within two to three seconds.

  • Snake lasted more than three minutes.

  • (BOOMSTICK) And any guy that could last three minutes is a God-damned stallion! Now I know why they call him Solid!

  • But seriously, this guy is built Tonka tough,

  • though he's hardly perfect. His OctoCamo provides only light protection against knives and other weapons.

  • And even though he's in peak physical condition,

  • one well-placed bullet will put him down as easily as any other man.

  • (WIZ) Also, cloning and nanomachines don't mix.

  • By the time he was 35 years old, they caused Snake to begin aging rapidly,

  • and even suffer heart issues and seizures.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Old and wrinkly or not, you can count on Solid Snake to see every single mission through...

  • and be a badass the whole time!

  • There's a reason he's known as the man who makes the impossible possible.

  • (WIZ) Samuel Leo Fisher was born in Towson, MD in 1957.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Whoa, he's older than I thought.

  • (WIZ) Orphaned at a young age, he spent his youth at a military boarding school. His goal was to join the C.I.A. and follow in the footsteps of his late father.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Sam's career in government work was an impressive one, joining both the C.I.A. and the Navy SEALs.

  • During this time, he found he had a particular knack for espionage...and ladies.

  • See, on one of his missions, he fired off a few rounds into the wrong target, and knocked her up.

  • So, he married her, they had a daughter named Sara, and Sam Fisher lived happily ever after. No, wait--he got divorced after three years and his ex died of ovarian cancer.

  • (WIZ) Left with no other family but his daughter, Sam retired at just 47 years old. This time, he'd spend the rest of his days in peace.

  • (Wiz and Boomstick laugh) (HAAAAAAAAA) As if! We all know how it goes.

  • Sam was too good to leave the agent's life forever, and was recruited by Third Echelon, a top-secret sub-branch of the NSA.

  • Third Echelon wanted Sam for their new Black Ops unit, focused on infiltrating impenetrable locations, extracting information, and escaping even the most impossible scenarios.

  • They called it the Splinter Cell program.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Oh, yeah! Lemme come out of retirement and do that--the completely impossible!

  • (FISHER) Talk, but talk quietly.

  • (INFORMANT) I'll tell you anything. I'm the biggest coward you've ever met!

  • (FISHER) That's quite a claim.

  • (INFORMANT) I've already wet myself!

  • (FISHER) Well... Then you've made the Top Ten.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Well, luckily, like other agents of stealth, Sam Fisher didn't have to work alone.

  • (WIZ) His support comes from Anna Grimsdottir, or Grim, who communicates with Sam through sub-dermal implants in his ear.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Eww...

  • (WIZ) It's just a tiny earpiece which operates by directly vibrating the bones of his inner ear, so only Sam can hear her.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Well, she's vibrating his bones, eh?

  • (WIZ) What's with you today?

  • (BOOMSTICK) I dunno...

  • (WIZ) Grim is a world-class hacker who started as Third Echelon's lead programmer, and MIGHT be aging backwards, but that's irrelevant.

  • Together, they are a formidable team, although Sam and Grim have very different approaches to a mission and can sometimes butt heads.

  • While Grim is very by-the-books, Fisher prefers to follow his instincts. For better or worse, he will completely abandon a well-laid plan over a mere hunch.

  • Surprisingly, this works out better than you'd think.

  • (BOOMSTICK) See? You don't always have to plan out every little detail about every little thing.

  • (WIZ) I thought we agreed to never discuss that trip!

  • (BOOMSTICK) I just wanted a churro, but NO, it wasn't in the schedule! Bet it was delicious...

  • (WIZ) Oh, shut up, Boomstick.

  • (BOOMSTICK) I'll kill you.

  • (WIZ) Grim directs Sam's movements, keeping him invisible on the field along with the latest in stealth gear.

  • (BOOMSTICK) He sports the Mark VIII Tactical Operations Suit, a light-diffusing black armor that's layered with Kevlar and RhinoPlate to help protect against bullets.

  • (WIZ) Along with a layer of Gore-Tex, a material that suppresses his heat signature to make him invisible to night-vision.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Speaking of night-vision, Sam...has that and more.

  • His multi-vision goggles come equipped with thermal vision, sonar, a zoom function, and even footprint tracking, to ensure that Fisher can see you even if you can't see him.

  • In fact, he's so stealthy that while he can track footprints left behind by others, his own trail is completely undetectable, even by him!

  • I'd say that he's the stealthiest man ever if it weren't for the three giant green lights coming off his head! C'mon, dude!

  • (WIZ) Common misconception. As obvious as they may appear, those lights are actually invisible to a normal human eye.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Really? Well, that's too bad for his enemies, because Sam excels at killing efficiently.

  • While lurking in the shadows, he takes aim with his favorite pistol: the semi-automatic Five-Seven, a compact firearm that's perfect for silent, quick kills.

  • (WIZ) And, if someone manages to spot him--unlikely as it may be, Fisher is more than prepared to take them head on with his SC-20K modular assault weapons system.

  • (BOOMSTICK) This beaut is like the Swiss Army knife of guns; it has an assault rifle mode, shotgun mode, sniper rifle--oh, she can be whatever you want her to be...

  • (WIZ) Um, Boomstick?

  • (BOOMSTICK) Wha...? yeah, um... As versatile as she is, that's nothing compared to the amount of things she fires.

  • Aside from bullets, the 20K can launch gas and EMP grenades, sticky shockers, rubber bullets, and even cameras which attach to the wall.

  • (WIZ) After their titanium spikes anchor them in place, Fisher can use his built-in communications device, the OPSAT, to monitor them.

  • These cameras have night-, thermal, and electromagnetic field vision.

  • (BOOMSTICK) Sam's got so many ways to take on his opponents, it's hard to count all the impressive stuff he's done.

  • He's carried out more than a dozen missions, went all Liam Neeson and rescued his daughter from kidnappers, and has even infiltrated the C.I.A. itself, which probably isn't easy.

  • (WIZ) He has single-handedly prevented a Chinese invasion of Taiwan, foiled terrorist plans to destroy the world's oil supply--all of it--

  • and, when he discovered that Third Echelon was corrupt from within, he took it down by teaming up with Grim to create...Fourth Echelon.

  • (BOOMSTICK) In combat, he's insanely fast and accurate on the quick-draw. Even when surrounded, he can put four bullets in four skulls in 3.2 seconds.

  • He can literally take a life in the blink of an eye.

  • Despite his age, nature hasn't slowed Sam down at all. I don't know about you, but I'll be thinking twice before stepping into any shadows.

  • (WIZ) All right, the combatants are set! Let's end this debate once and for all!

  • (BOOMSTICK) It's time for a STEALTH BATTLE!!!

  • (CODEC beeping)

  • (FISHER) Grim, we haven't had the chopper planned, have we?

  • (GRIM) No, the Paladin is your EVAC plan. Why?

  • (FISHER) Hmm...we've got a party crasher.

  • (GRIM) Your new friend won't last long. There's only one way into that room.

  • (FISHER) Don't lecture me. He's mine.

  • (OTACON) Snake, he's in the room...

  • Announcer: "Fight!"

  • (Drum N' Bass music)

  • (Music stops abruptly) (Alarm chord)

  • (Record scratches)

  • (Fighting sounds) ♪ You don't know me and you don't know what I'm going through

  • So F*** you and your lame[email protected]$$ point of view

  • That should've been my whole mission from the start

  • You puttin' it together? I'll tear it all apart, what? ♪

  • ♪ I gotta-♪ (Gun clicks) ♪-gets mine stepping through this minefield

  • (Gun firing, electricity crackling) ♪ And what's not mine becomes mine, you mind? Chill... ♪

  • That's the way I gotta take it from the mans

  • "Where's the data?"

  • "Wouldn't YOU like to know(!)?" ♪ Put a price upon the fans, I'll put lead up in the stands

  • Doesn't matter who the target is

  • (Guns firing, fighting sounds) ♪ You know I'm gonna finish it once I get it started, kid

  • That's the way I gotta market it

  • Marksman, mercenary, making all ya hearts skip

  • (rat-a-tat-a-tat!) ♪ And I'll turn you into parts quick

  • *rat-a-tat-a-tat!* ♪ Put you in a box and ship you off to yard six

  • Where the non-believers go? ♪

  • The ones that started pleading 'cause hey couldn't take the bleeding from the beating, yo

  • So you might wanna- ♪ (Music quietens) ♪ shut your mouth

  • ♪ 'Fore you end up in a pine box headed down south... ♪

  • "Grim, did you get that?"

  • "Sam, are you all right?"

  • (Sam over radio) "I'm fine. He's after the data."

  • "Just our luck. I'll bring the plane in for you."

  • (Sam over radio) "Don't. This guy could be a problem if I don't take care of him now."

  • "But it's more important than--"

  • (FISHER) "No!" (Zap!)

  • (Zap!

  • Trust me, Grim.

  • (CODEC beeping)

  • (Snake) "Do I need to go over this again?

  • The cardboard box is a very important tool for infiltration missions. It's ideal for fooling the enemy.

  • ♪ ...It ain't personal; it's just the only way I still can make a grand

  • Understand what I'm talking 'bout? ♪

  • Get the picture of what this all about? ♪

  • It's time for you to walk it out

  • You don't wanna be around when these dogs start barkin' out

  • (Zap!) ♪ You don't wanna play the target route... ♪

  • (Snake) "But in the end, a cardboard box..."

  • (Gunfire)

  • ...is only made of paper.

  • Ha ha, laughin' at you! ♪

  • Who, me? ♪ (Punching noises) ♪ Ain't nobody comin' this way, I see

  • Stand tall, you so small to me

  • Toe to toe with my enemies, watch them fall deceased

  • This right here is strategy

  • Every move you make, I'm makin' three

  • Now you wanna leave? Crawl on ya knees

  • Laughin' at this new opportunity

  • Focused on opponents that he's tryin' to fight, time to die

  • "Otacon, I've got the intel." ♪ His neck is sliced, Cryin' that he never had a chance to fight

  • Guess he gotta die tonight

  • (Gunfire) (Snake grunts) ♪ E'erybody know I don't like to fight

  • End this quickly, take his life

  • One last test, he outta breath

  • Hit him with a deathblow through his chest

  • If you go to war, you die

  • (Grim through OPSAT) "Sam, I'm sending you a camera feed." ♪ Me versus you, and you gon' fry

  • Death is fallin' from the sky

  • Whatever suit he's wearing is powered by electricity. ♪ I laugh at you, HA HA HA! ♪

  • Fight you must, no tears I cry

  • (Sam) "Perfect." ♪ Watch 'em close, they got my eye

  • Seein' fair fights, a waste of time