Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles *guitar music* yep Not interested No thank you Huh? Oh?! Oh? What is this?! "Five-year-old threatens to dethrone YouTube king PewDiePie?" Over my god damn dead BODY!!! Over my vegan BO---!!!! How could this be? Jefferson Graham huh? okay oh right... Jefferson Graham Five-year-old threatens... Pfft! Maybe this kid... Got what it takes Who am I? The next PewDiePie? Let's uh... Let's check out some content *Woman: Go go go go to bed! Go to bed!* *Happy music* *Alright then! Brush your teeth.* *Ryan's going in to take a bath!* He's got a tricycle I love those. *Ryan: Welcome to Ryan's toys review!* Fuck! I don't have an intro! Shit! Let's make one right now! *In a cringy kid's voice: Welcome to Felix's toys review!* Has it really gone to that po*voice-crack*int? Making fun of five-year-olds? ''Watch some of the videos and they'll remind you of the videos you make'' *Laughs a little* That's what I wanna watch I mean, why would I watch what I've made, when I can just watch other people make the same shit? That really... *laughs* That really certifies Oh shit... Oh my god... I just became one of those that says, ''Why would you watch someone else play video games when you can play it yourself'' *laughs* Shit... ''Youtube's biggest star is a 5-year-old that makes'' WAIT! The Verge as well?! What the... fuck is happening?! Are we talking about the same The Verge? The Verge that will take any opportunity they can to to shit on me? Oh okay that's interesting... ''PewDiePie and others took money from WarnerBros for positive game reviews'' A straight up lie that I debunked Fuck you! ''For the last 18 weeks and counting Ryan Toys Review'' ''has been the most popular channel on YouTube'' ''The youngest star YouTube has EVER seen'' Is that... Are we celebrating this? Are we celebrating that.. the fact that some... this mother is like You think he's getting any money off this? You think he's getting the toys? I also really like how they link every video ever in their description I really appreciate that ''The genre skyrocketed once kids became the hosts'' The kids are not the hosts Okay, let's watch a video and I'll show you what I mean *Woman: Yeah awesome!* *Ryan: What are we gonna get?* *Woman: I don't know!* *Who will you hatch?* See? She doesn't even let him finish he was clearly about to say something there! *Who will you hatch?* Look at him. *Woman talks* No, you don't matter cuz I MATTER!!! SHUT THE FUCK UP RYAN!!! *Ryan: These look like they might open!* *You can still hear the noises inside!* *Woman: Yeah!* Oh my god I think he... I think he came up with that sentence himself and no-one else told him to say that *You can still hear the noises inside!* *Yeah!* *Cringes* I don't... Like... I'm sure he loves it. You know I'm sure I would love... When I was a kid to open a bunch of toys but at the same time it's like It's... It's something off about it It's kinda like seeing child stars on television cause you know their parents are literally forcing them to do it and it's just something sad about it And I can't help getting the same vibe Obviously I don't know what goes on but *cringes* I watch it and i'm like ''UGH!'' ''Increasingly, it feels like Ryan is reading from a script'' *laughs* No The script being mother saying ''HEY, YOU FUCKING SEE THIS?!!'' ''Youtube stars are driving retail sales'' I can't argue with that ''Subliminal advertising at its finest'' ''Sponsored episodes'' Yeah It's clearly They're sponsored by Walmart It's 100% It's so clear like... watch this video over there like ''We got an exclusive Walmart egg!'' *Woman: And we even found a Walmart exclusive version too!* OOO Why would any kid give a shit about that? Explain that to me. Ok? Why would any kid give a shit about Walmart edition? It doesn't make any sense! And then you get the Verge posting ''He took money from WarnerBros for positive game reviews even though he didn't'' Talk about inadequate disclosure, huh? Ok well where is it here? ''Ryan's success in other words translates into more money'' For his parents! Oh, 'for a larger corporation'' Ok, ok alright So basically, there's a legal loophole That there's no way for the antics of an ordinary kid To be commercialised Many states have no rules around children performing They have no child labor laws around performance The channel isn't just Ryan playing with toys any more Whether he's going to Disneyland, getting a haircut or running a fever, his parents are the ones deciding how much- You see what I'm getting at here? Have you ever seen a video with 11 million views and 9000 likes? Please direct me to that video. Because it doesn't exist. These are not real people. These are not real views. There's only 1000 comments. Take a video where I had 11 million views: I got 22,000 comments. 22,000. 1000. Most viewed video has 600 million views. What. The. Fuck. What the ac- excuse me. What the actual fuck. What the fuck. That's more than half of Call Me Maybe Are you saying- like everybody in the entire fucking world should know who this kid is. I bet most of you who've seen this video have no fucking clue. How do you get that amount of views? How can the Verge and USA Today Fail to realise this? How can they run such a full cover like this? And not mention it? You know, I'm not here to criticise this family I don't care. I genuinely don't care. Like, do whatever you want, don't get me wrong. This is not the point. The point that I want to make, which I am absolutely fucking stunned, That these two big-big journalist websites, The Verge and USA Today Like, where the fucking- look at this. Look at this. It's a fucking feature Let's see- maybe is 'bot' mentioned anywhere? No. Fake views? No. This whole article. Nowhere. So congrats. You payed for views. And that's how you get the title, "Oh! He's beating PewDiePie!" And I think that's what pisses me off so much because people want to fucking tear me down all the fucking time How can you call yourself a journalist and get it this fucking wrong? How can you be that fucking retarded? All you had to do was scroll the fuck down. You're so stupid. I fucking hate the media. It's fucking embarrassing. "In an cringy kid's voice: Welcome to Felix's Toy Reviews!" *baby noises* (off camera) Ok baby Felix can you do it again? (off camera) More energy! (off camera) Ok? Mommy needs some dollar. More energy? (off camera) Mommy needs dollars, ok? (off camera) Erm, can you do it again baby but can you do it with more energy? More energy? (off camera) Yeah. Hey here's a Red Bull (off camera) Ok? Mommy needs some dollars so you need to look happy. (off camera) That's it. The whole thing. (off camera) There you go! It's too cold I can't drink it! (off camera) Do it again, but happy! Aaaaah! (off camera) Good! Furby is my new favourite toy. (off camera) Ok, Mommy's got you a Furby! Yeah! (off camera) Yeah! Yeah! (off camera) Yeah, aren't you excited? Yeah! (off camera) OK! Oh my god, this- (off camera) Don't ruin the box! Mommy's gotta return it. I don't get to play- (off camera) You don't get to keep it. No. (off camera) Mommy needs new nails. (off camera) OK, open it. Here's a knife. (off camera) For my eight year old son. Here we go. (off camera) Wooow! WOOOOOW! OOOH It's so cute! (off camera) Show it to the camera It's so, it's so cute (off camera) More energy. AAAH! So Cute! AAAAAH! But Mommy it's pink. I want blue. AAAAAH This one has a mask for when it's sleeping. (off camera) Wow isn't that great! AAAAAAAH OOOH! Furby: I wonder what I'll dream about tonight! You see? (off camera) Mommy wants you to burn him. Mommy I don't want to. It's my friend. (off camera) Kill your friend. But it's my friend! It's Mr Fuzzball! (off camera) The only way you can become a man is if you kill what you love. Is that what happened to Dad? Furby: Yaaas! (off camera) Kill it! Woah! AAH! (off camera) Ok! what did you think of your new toy? Why did you make me kill him? (off camera) Did you have fun with your new toy? He was my only friend. We were supposed to leave this town He was everything to me. We were supposed to go over to where the mountains meet the ocean And the desert meets the sky. I loved him. I loved him with all my heart. And you made me kill him. (off camera) Wait! What are you doing! Have you seen the hot knife challenge? (Off camera) Baby stop it! Have you seen the hot knife? How it cuts through anything? (off camera) Baby NO!