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  • Don't shit yourself, whatever you do, don't do that or they'll never let you fly again.

  • If I shit myself, and we crash, maybe it will act as a rudimentary air bag and I'll be the only survivor.

  • No don't do that, just stay calm, you'll be fine.

  • What is that on the wings, sticky tape?

  • British Airways would never put sticky tape on the wings, this is simply outrageous.

  • Maybe I can just get off, they can't keep me on here against my will and....Oh, no, I'm definitely going to die.

  • Jesus Christ, no one is going to live if we crash from this height.

  • Did he just say catastrophic engine failure?

  • I'm pretty sure that's exactly what he just said.

  • Maybe if I just grip the armrest really hard I can hold the plane together.

  • Probably not, but maybe I'll just keep doing it anyway.

  • Why is no one else bothered by this?

  • It's like cows in a slaughterhouse except without the mooing.

  • Where does the pee go now?

  • Does it get sucked out?

  • What if it sucks all the air out too and we all suffocate?

  • I don't want to suffocate, maybe I'll just leave it there.

  • No you can't just leave it, next we'll all be reading Gawker and shitting in the street.

  • Oh that's not that bad at all, JESUS CHRIST, what the hell is that on the window?

  • I have literally no idea but it's probably fatal.

  • Are the wings wobbling, why are the wings wobbling, do wings wobble?

  • Probably just before they snap off.

  • Oh good, the electrics have failed, have they?

  • Well, I guess they weren't vital to flying the plane.

  • If you're listening, Jesus, I appreciate you're probably quite angry about the...drugs and that girl and the butt stuff last week, but I swear if you land the plane I'll believe in you, I absolutely promise, or if you're Jewish or Hindu or whatever, that's fine too, sign me up, just oh god please land the plane and I promise I'll...

  • Hehe, nice try Jesus you statistically improbable...twat.

Don't shit yourself, whatever you do, don't do that or they'll never let you fly again.

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B1 UK jesus plane jesus christ christ sticky tape

Fear of Flying

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