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  • I just want what every woman wants.

  • I just want what every woman wants.

  • A 90-year-old billionaire

  • with an incurable disease.

  • - A 90-year-old billionaire

  • with an incurable disease.

  • (audience laughs and claps)

  • (audience cheers)

  • (soft funk music)

  • Just say a joke, just repeat what we say,

  • and you can pause in the middle.

  • I'll say everything.

  • We'll try to not talk while you're talking.

  • -I've never thought about getting into comedy.

  • I've been in front of people before,

  • but I've never needed to be funny.

  • You've been in scarier situations.

  • Can you hear me?

  • I can hear you, I got you,

  • but I've been in spots where I couldn't hear

  • because all the (beep) bombs are going off.

  • Well, I'm not really nervous right now.

  • It all depends on how many people shoot at me,

  • so I think we should be good.

  • Give it up for Robert O'Neill.

  • Woo!

  • Thanks so much, appreciate it.

  • All right.

  • Hey, guys.

  • Hey, guys.

  • How's it going?

  • So this is the Belly Room.

  • So this is the Belly Room.

  • I've seen more welcoming caves in Pakistan.

  • - I have seen more welcoming caves in Pakistan.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I did shoot Bin Laden because I was ordered to.

  • Now, I did shoot Bin Laden because I was ordered to.

  • I shot him a second time

  • because I'm sick of taking off my shoes at the airport.

  • I shot him a second time

  • because I'm so tired of taking my shoes off at the (beep) airport.

  • (audience laughs and claps)

  • (David laughs)

  • For my military service,

  • I've gotten two silver stars.

  • In my military service, though,

  • I've gotten two silver stars.

  • Four bronze stars.

  • Four bronze stars with valor.

  • And a ton of pussy.

  • And a ton of pussy.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Times have changed though.

  • Times have changed though.

  • Back then, I got Bin Laden.

  • Back then, I got Bin Laden.

  • Today, I'd probably be breaking out ASAP Rocky.

  • Today, I'd probably be breaking out ASAP Rocky.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Too soon?

  • (audience laughs)

  • Too soon.

  • Go, go.

  • I killed Bin Laden.

  • Like I said, I killed Bin Laden.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I guess you could say I'm the Beyonce of SEAL Team Six.

  • I guess you could sorta say I'm the Beyonce of SEAL Team Six.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I was in SEAL Team Six.

  • I was in SEAL Team Six.

  • Not like those pussies in one through five.

  • Not like those pussies in one through five.

  • (audience laughs)

  • My favorite thing about killing Osama Bin Laden.

  • Now, my favorite thing about killing Osama Bin Laden.

  • Is that it finally ended all the war in the Middle East.

  • (Robert laughs)

  • Is that it finally ended all the war in the Middle East.

  • -My favorite thing about killing Osama Bin Laden, though,

  • is it's finally ended all the wars in the Middle East.

  • (audience laughs and claps)

  • (laughs)

  • Everyone remembers their big break.

  • Everybody remembers their big break.

  • Mine was 9/11.

  • Mine was 9/11.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Any ladies want to join Squeal Team Six?

  • Hey, any ladies out there want to join Squeal Team Six?

  • I promise not to shoot you in the face.

  • I promise not to shoot you in the face,

  • but seriously, I'm getting the light,

  • I need to get the (beep) out of here.

  • (audience claps)

  • (David laughs)

  • Oh (beep) that was funny.

  • That was so funny and scary, Jesus.

  • That was terrifying.

  • That's the second time he killed.

  • (heavy rock music) (audience cheers)

  • So, is your earpiece working?

  • Whitney and I will feed you through this.

  • Charlotte, can you hear me?

  • Where my 10s at?

  • When I come watch people here,

  • I'm like, find it frightening.

  • You're gonna do great as long as you had a bad childhood.

  • (laughs) Okay.

  • I think, the second I get up there,

  • I'm going to freak out.

  • All right, get out there, let's do it.

  • Okay.

  • (shouts)

  • Please, you guys, give it up and keep it going

  • for Charlotte MicKinney.

  • Woo.

  • Say, "Hey, guys"

  • Hey, guys.

  • How's it going?

  • I know I look like a news anchor with a tapeworm.

  • I know I look like a news anchor with a tapeworm, but.

  • (audience laughs)

  • You know, I was in "Joe Dirt 2."

  • I don't know if you guys know this,

  • but I was in "Joe Dirt 2."

  • In case you're wondering what you don't recognize me from.

  • So, you're probably wondering what you don't recognize me from.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I dropped out of school.

  • So, I dropped out of school,

  • a lot of people know that.

  • But then I went back to get my DUI.

  • But then I went back, and I got my DUI.

  • (audience laughs)

  • For some reason, they still want me

  • to come to the reunion.

  • For some reason, they still want me

  • to come to the reunion.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Did anyone see the movie "Baywatch?"

  • Did anybody see the movie "Baywatch?"

  • I was the second hottest girl after Zac Efron.

  • I was the second hottest girl after Zac Efron.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I'm currently lifting weights.

  • I'm currently lighting weights.

  • With my bra.

  • With my bra.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Is it hot in here, or am I just super hot?

  • Is it hot in here, or am I just super hot and stupid?

  • (audience laughs) Oh my god.

  • I just want what every woman wants.

  • I just want what every woman wants.

  • A 90-year-old billionaire with an incurable disease.

  • A 90 year-old-billionaire with an incurable disease.

  • (audience laughs)

  • That's all I want, that's all I want.

  • You, we'll talk after.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I just flew in from Cancun,

  • and boy, are my arms tired.

  • I just flew in from Cancun,

  • and boy, are my arms tired.

  • From jerking off a billionaire on the jet.

  • From jerking off a billionaire on a jet.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Look at the guy in the front row

  • and ask him how old he is.

  • How old are you?

  • 95.

  • 95.

  • Say, "You're way too young for me."

  • 95, you're way too young for me, I'm sorry.

  • (audience laughs)

  • So, moving on.

  • Hey, guys, the jokes are up here.

  • Motion to your face.

  • - Hey, guys, the jokes are up here.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I'm gonna wrap this up.

  • Most of the guys have jizzed already.

  • I'm gonna wrap this up

  • 'cause most of the guys have jizzed already.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Thanks for coming in.

  • Thanks for coming in.

  • Good night, that was extremely painful,

  • but it's over, and I'm done.

  • (audience claps and cheers)

  • Oh, shit, she was good.

  • Oh, god, I've never been

  • so nervous. - It's so stressful,

  • oh my god.

  • You were so good.

  • I think they thought I was on crack.

  • I'm sure. Fully

  • (audience cheers) (heavy rock music)

  • (upbeat funk music)

  • This is where I'm gonna feed you,

  • so can you hear that right there?

  • I can hear that well.

  • Okay, good.

  • It'll be all right.

  • Once you're up there,

  • you just repeat it, there's nothing to do.

  • Yeah, sounds like fun.

  • He's cute, that helps.

  • Yes, very.

  • All right, see you, buddy.

  • This is my type.

  • (David laughs)

  • That's enough, Whit.

  • I know, I know, I'm sorry, time's up.

  • Give it up, guys, let's hear it for Chuck Lidell.

  • (audience claps and cheers)

  • Hey, what's up, everybody?

  • What's up, everybody?

  • It's me, white Pitbull.

  • It's me, white Pitbull.

  • (audience laughs)

  • No, my name is Chuck Lidell.

  • Now, my name is Chuck Lidell.

  • If you don't know who I am,

  • heckle me, and you'll (beep) find out.

  • If you don't know my name, don't know who I am,

  • heckle me, and you'll find out.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I hope this standup comedy goes better

  • than my Jeopardy tryout.

  • I hope my standup comedy goes better

  • than my Jeopardy tryout.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Boy, standup comedy is tough.

  • Boy, standup comedy is tough.

  • You have to be able to complete a sentence.

  • Just to be able to complete a sentence.

  • (audience laughs)

  • Hey, real quick, has anyone seen my neck?

  • Hey, real quick, has anyone seen my neck?

  • (audience laughs)

  • I had it in the car.

  • I had it in the car.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I have this thing called RMF.

  • I have this thing called RMF.

  • Resting murderer face.

  • Resting murderer face.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I'm like an intelligent Rob Gronkowski.

  • It's like, I'm like an intelligent Rob Gronkowski.

  • (audience laughs)

  • I don't understand my own jokes.

  • I hope you do.

  • I don't understand my own jokes,