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  • -Hello, everyone, and welcome back to my attic crawl space.

  • Of course now that we've shifted

  • our makeshift studio to this location,

  • there's one question that has preoccupied our audience

  • perhaps more than any other and that's, "What's up...

  • What's up with that tiny little door over there?"

  • I mean, is it where we keep the kids' toys?

  • Or is it a Wonka door?

  • And if it's a Wonka door, is the tiny chair --

  • right there -- is that for an Oompa Loompa,

  • waiting to roll me away to the juicing room

  • after eating an everlasting gobstopper?

  • Who knows?

  • The only thing I know is that I'll never tell.

  • Anyway, you'll have plenty of time to speculate

  • because we'll be doing these "Closer Looks" here for a while.

  • Public health officials are urging Americans

  • to continue observing social distancing rules

  • even as the president and his son-in-law

  • contradict those experts

  • and spread dangerous misinformation.

  • For more on this, it's time for "A Closer Look."

  • ♪♪

  • Well, we're less than a week into the month of April.

  • There's really no way of knowing what day it is.

  • Every day is a week and every week is a year

  • and now April just means -- I don't know -- Tuesday?

  • The calendar app on my phone

  • is just a shrug emoji holding a glass of wine.

  • But if it is, in fact, April, then that's great news,

  • because if you remember,

  • when public health officials were first warning

  • about the coming outbreak of the coronavirus,

  • the President reassured us all by saying this.

  • -The virus. They're working hard.

  • Looks like, by April, you know, in theory,

  • when it gets a little warmer, it miraculously goes away.

  • I hope that's true.

  • Now, the virus that we're talking about having to do,

  • you know, a lot of people think that goes away in April

  • with the heat, as the heat comes in.

  • Typically, that will go away in April.

  • We're in great shape, though.

  • -President Xi -- I know you spoke to him

  • recently about coronavirus. -I did.

  • -Some concerns that their economy

  • is really going to tank because of this,

  • and that that could have a spillover effect here.

  • What's your sense of their transparency right now,

  • whether they're being more accommodating in terms

  • of telling us what's going on, and how it affects our economy?

  • -Well, I think China is very, you know, professionally run

  • in the sense that they have everything under control.

  • I really believe they are going to have it

  • under control fairly soon.

  • You know, in April, supposedly, it dies with the hotter weather.

  • And that's a beautiful date to look forward to.

  • -First of all, you can tell my man

  • spends too much time at Mar-A-Lago

  • because he thinks April is when it gets hot.

  • "In February, the trees begin to bloom, and by April,

  • I mean, you can barely touch your steering wheel."

  • But, yes, it's a beautiful day to look forward to.

  • I remember when we all got

  • that lovely save-the-date in the mail.

  • By the way, the anchor who conducted that last interview

  • was since fired Fox Business host Trish Regan

  • who called coronavirus an impeachment scam.

  • Remember her? Evil Connie Britton?

  • "Friday Night Lights"

  • would have been a totally different show with her.

  • "Your team sucks, coach, and so do you.

  • Also, it's high school football. Who cares?

  • You know what I say?

  • 'Dumb eyes, fat hearts can lose.'

  • I'm outta wine."

  • But credit to Fox News who will not hesitate to fire

  • a host who peddles dangerous conspiracy theories

  • as long as they're not Sean Insanity.

  • Because Hannity will probably end his show tonight

  • telling people that snorting Advil

  • is both a cure for coronavirus and erectile dysfunction.

  • And after that they'll give him a raise.

  • "Great stuff with the Advil tonight, Sean.

  • Where'd it come from?"

  • "Would you believe I pulled it out of my ass?"

  • "That ass of yours, Sean, it is a --

  • it is a bottomless gold mine.

  • Keep up the great work."

  • Now, in the time Trump was dismissing the virus

  • and claiming it would go away,

  • he was repeatedly warned by intelligence briefings

  • that this was a real threat.

  • And in that time, "The Washington Post"

  • reported his administration was beset by 70 days

  • of denial, delays, and dysfunction.

  • 70 days.

  • And that's charitable, because for Trump, you could say

  • it's been 70 years of dysfunction.

  • When he was born, the doctor spanked him on the butt

  • to hear him cry, and instead, Trump called him nasty

  • and served him with a lawsuit.

  • "There's an expression I use -- 'wah.'

  • Some people say I invented it."

  • That's baby Trump.

  • In a normal world, a story about a 70-day delay

  • in the face of a pandemic would be cause

  • for impeachment or removal or,

  • at the very least, embarrassment and shame.

  • But the President insisted that April would be the magic date

  • so we could all just look forward to that.

  • So let's check in on his daily mini-MAGA

  • rally in the White House briefing room on Saturday

  • to see how that prediction is working out.

  • -This will be probably the toughest week

  • between this week and next week.

  • And there will be a lot of death, unfortunately.

  • But a lot less death than if this wasn't done.

  • But there will be death.

  • -There will be death?

  • That's kind of a 180.

  • Everything was going to be fine, and now you sound

  • like the captain of the wrestling team

  • who just saw a nerd dancing with his girlfriend.

  • "There will be death."

  • [ Grunts ] It's a beer can.

  • What happened to April?

  • "It's become clear now that the end date

  • we had been promised was, in fact, an April Fool's joke

  • pulled on us by the virus.

  • So now we know corona to be both highly contagious

  • as well as mischievous in spirit.

  • A Loki, if you will."

  • Now, you might hear that new tone and think,

  • "Oh, I guess the President, like any decent human being,

  • has admitted he was wrong, made amends by doing everything

  • he can to rectify the situation, and apologized."

  • And if you are thinking that,

  • congratulations on waking up from your 3 1/2 year coma,

  • but bad news -- there's this thing called coronavirus.

  • Anyway, your doctor will tell you.

  • Because, as usual, Trump insisted that he was right

  • when he said the virus would simply go away.

  • -You look at those individual statements, they're all true.

  • Stay calm.

  • Uh, it will go away.

  • You know -- You know it is going away.

  • And it will go away.

  • -The President was saying this was going to go away.

  • It's April. -It is going to go away.

  • -But, Mr. President, you said it was going to

  • go away in April. -I didn't say a date.

  • -I said it's going away, and it is going away.

  • -Ah, yes, very clever.

  • After all, April as 24 days left,

  • and it's already down to,

  • what -- I don't know -- 337,000 cases.

  • And you did.

  • You literally said it goes away in April.

  • That's as close to specific as Trump ever gets.

  • Usually when you ask him a question,

  • he waves it away like a dad promising his kids

  • a trip to Disneyland while watching football.

  • "Dad, will we have universal healthcare?"

  • "Yeah, it's going to be so easy, it's going to be a blast.

  • Now go upstairs and oil your hair before dinner."

  • And then, last week, the media fell for his fake

  • somber Trump shtick

  • and asked him if his thinking had changed from

  • when he said the virus would go away in April.

  • -Is there any fairness to the criticism

  • that you may have lulled Americans

  • into a false sense of security when you were saying things like

  • it's going to go away... -Well, it is.

  • -...and that sort of thing. -Jim, it's going away.

  • -But when you were saying -- -It's going to go away.

  • Hopefully at the end of the month and if not,

  • it hopefully will be soon after that.

  • -But -- -So it is going away.

  • -Has your thinking on this evolved?

  • -It is going away.

  • -Has your thinking on this evolved?

  • You're taking it more seriously now?

  • -I think, from the beginning, my attitude was that

  • we have to give this country -- I know how bad it was.

  • All you have to do is look at what was going on in China.

  • -First of all, no, you didn't know how bad it was.

  • You treated coronavirus like a [bleep]

  • high school baseball coach talking to a kid

  • who just got hit by a line drive to the head.

  • "How many fingers am I holding up?"

  • "I don't know. 50?"

  • "He's good to go! Get him back in there."

  • Of course his thinking hasn't evolved.

  • He's barely evolved. I mean, look at him,

  • he looks like one of those early tetrapods

  • that crawled out of the water and learned how to walk on land,

  • but then he didn't learn how to hunt or fish

  • so he ended up just walking around

  • in circles like a dude waiting for a crosstown bus.

  • "Anyone know when the M15 is coming?

  • Canceled? Why?

  • Because of coronavirus?

  • But it's April."

  • So Trump insists he was right when he said it would go away

  • possibly by the end of this month.

  • Now, you could either believe him

  • or you could believe Bill Gates.

  • -Well, this is a nightmare scenario

  • because human-to-human transmissible

  • respiratory viruses can grow exponentially.

  • We continue countrywide, and we're testing the right people

  • to understand what's going on, which is not the case yet,

  • those numbers will start to go down.

  • And then, we can look at some degree of opening back up.

  • Things won't go back to truly normal until we have a vaccine

  • that we've gotten out to basically the entire world.

  • -So there you go. Who are you going to believe,

  • the pioneer of the microcomputer revolution

  • who founded Microsoft

  • and is currently working on ending polio and malaria?

  • Or the guy who once tweeted,

  • "Victoria's Secret reps were nasty to Kate Upton,

  • and now she's doing great."

  • That tweet was from 2013,

  • and while I don't know what it's about,

  • I am genuinely, genuinely curious,

  • and I intend to do some Google investigating as soon as this

  • [bleep] pandemic is over.

  • Also, why were you commenting on that?

  • Is that what you used to spend your time on

  • before you became president?

  • "Mr. Trump, we're ready to shoot 'The Apprentice.'"

  • "Yeah, quiet. I'm taking sides in Upton v. Secret."

  • And now in part because the president

  • waved away the problem for 70 days,

  • we're facing both an unimaginable tragedy

  • and also an economic collapse

  • that has already resulted in the worst weekly jobless

  • claims numbers we've ever seen, and yet Americans

  • are still having trouble accessing government benefits.

  • Just take this story from "The New York Times"

  • about one applicant who saw jobless benefits

  • and was told to find a fax machine.

  • Some attempts to apply for benefits

  • yielded a pop-up message that suggested using Netscape,

  • a browser that effectively no longer exists.

  • One applicant said he was taken aback to hear