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  • 60 years.

  • It takes 60 years for the average person to reach their confident best.

  • What?

  • It jumped off the page at our first study at the institute about five years ago, and I was so depressed because by the time our whole authentic, full potential self shows up, it's time to retire.

  • Now we've been taught that confidence is a result, not a requirement.

  • But it's not true.

  • It is a requirement.

  • It is it.

  • It is the secret law of attraction and otherwise.

  • In fact, every decision you made in your entire life and every decision you will make here on has to do with how much confidence you have.

  • It is what gives you motivation, persistence grich, so you can achieve more.

  • And if you're a mom, a dad, student, a mentor, a manager doesn't matter what role your are in.

  • We all want to have that charisma that presents executive presence, and otherwise we want to have that influence on other people to have impact in the world, and your confidence dictates that, too.

  • But there's good news, confidence not inherited.

  • It's not in your DNA.

  • It's not something that you get from your parents.

  • You actually learn it and you learn when you're really young.

  • If you think about young kids 4567 they're fearless, they're going to say and do whatever they want to dio, right?

  • They're gonna dress stripes, polka dots to two tiara.

  • Yes, Mama ready for school.

  • They're cool with that, but age 16 we start to realize that there are some constraints.

  • There's some things that society doesn't really want us to do, and unfortunately, confidence gets crushed, boys lose 30% and girls lose 50 50 years.

  • It takes us on a journey to figure out that we actually are enough that we do have purpose and that we met that we matter.

  • But you see, we've been fed a diet of misnomers, of myths, of things that are just not true, starting with all these stories, Hollywood and otherwise that say, if you work hard, bang your head against the wall a little harder, you'll be confident.

  • Yeah, not so much.

  • We've been told by motivational speakers or self help gurus because they've overcome something.

  • You could do it too.

  • Not so vicariously and anyone who tells you that you can fake it till you make it?

  • Uh, no, you can't.

  • So the question lingers.

  • Can we hack the process?

  • Can we accelerate it so that we don't have to wait so long to be confident?

  • Well, for years and years and years, thousands of years, we've had meditation and mindfulness and the practices out there that help us connect mind and body and subsequently behavior.

  • If they didn't work, I don't think they'd stick around.

  • However, in the last decade, what's been really exciting is that we have technology now, things like functional M.

  • R I.

  • That lets us see inside the human brain.

  • And we can see what it's doing while it's in action.

  • And we know conclusively.

  • Not only do we make that connection we can actually control, we can control what we think and what we do.

  • And so what we know now is that confidence.

  • It's something you choose.

  • It's something that you can consciously choose neurologically in definition, Aly.

  • So let me throw a definition at you to get us kind of level set, because what his confidence If I asked all of you, you probably all give me a different definition.

  • But if you google it up later, you're going to see something that looks like this confidence is when you are certain about the truth of something.

  • So if I asked you that's gonna rain later today, immediately start thinking.

  • Am I confident it ISS or my confident is not.

  • And maybe you think Oh, my, I heard the weather report this morning.

  • I drove in and I saw there wasn't so many clouds.

  • If you're like me, you check your hair for frizz and you take all this information that you get in.

  • You make a decision.

  • Yes, it's gonna rain or No, it's not very simple.

  • If we're talking about the weather and from that, we then decide how we're gonna think and behave thereafter.

  • So maybe you grab an umbrella or not.

  • For example, now we're talking about the weather or the stock market of the election.

  • We get all these data data points.

  • We feel very good.

  • We can make a decision and be confident one way or another.

  • Perhaps.

  • But the question is then, if we're talking about ourselves, self confidence, what are we certain about?

  • What is the truth that we seek?

  • And the answer is this.

  • When you are certain about your values, your wants and your needs.

  • Then you could direct your thoughts, your decisions and your behavior's your values, needs and wants.

  • Create those bumpers, the boundaries, the rules in which you operate.

  • And you know that if you're in those boundaries, it's okay.

  • You can be confident.

  • Well, this is great.

  • Let's talk about some brain science, shall we?

  • I love rain science.

  • Forgive me.

  • I get excited.

  • Brain science is not very scary.

  • Here we go.

  • In the back of your head is your brain stem.

  • It's connected to your spinal column.

  • Your brain stem is responsible for what we call the autonomic functions, so things you don't have to think about.

  • You're sitting here and I hope that you're breathing.

  • Your heart's been pounding the entire time, right?

  • So, needless to say, you have been thinking about those things, but your brain stem has been, and it's been taking care of it for you.

  • Your brain stem thinks about all the things you need to do to survive, and it does it for you.

  • You don't have to think about it.

  • How nice is that Now?

  • The brain stem is the oldest part of the human brain.

  • It goes pretty much back to the caveman.

  • That's almost all they had in their brain.

  • If you studied psych fighter flight, all in the brain stem is very reactive.

  • So far, so good in the middle of your brain is your limbic system, most notoriously known as the emotional Processing center.

  • This is where all the things that you want to happen that you feel that you want now feelings come from all different parts of our brain, the environment and so forth.

  • But at the end of the day, one of the most powerful ones is that we want to feel a sense of belonging.

  • We want to be part of a family, our religion, a culture school company, a ted group.

  • We want that really badly.

  • So much so that back in 19 forties, Abraham as well if you studied him, said that if we don't get that, we can't be our best self.

  • He was absolutely right, even though he didn't have this technology to tell him that it was true.

  • The prefrontal cortex here in the front of your brain.

  • This is where all your smarts are.

  • It's where your correlate you analyze you make decisions.

  • It's what we call the executive function of the brain prefrontal cortex right here.

  • This is where all your confidence lives because you decide on things that you actually value now.

  • One more part of the brain it's been talked about in a lot of Ted talks is the amygdala.

  • It's really small, but it's really, really important because the amygdala is responsible as your alarm system.

  • It is looking in the environment to see if you are going to be hurt, damaged, ordained in danger in any way, both physically and emotionally.

  • So if you're driving along the highway in off, son, somebody comes in, Coach off immediately, you're gonna swerve out of the way.

  • That's because you make it listen problem brain stem.

  • Do something now.

  • Fast neural pathway right to the brainstem.

  • React.

  • You don't even think about it.

  • You just go.

  • But if the problem is an emotional one, not a physical one, and you have time to think the amygdala Hoster's aside what other part of the brain doesn't need to warn to do something Now in our world, there's lots of things that can hurt us emotionally.

  • There's no doubt, but I want to focus today on things that I call the confidence villains, because these are things that are in everybody's world that are so president that we don't even know they exist.

  • And villains, as the name says, are not so good because they want to take confidence from us.

  • On the first villain category is situations, situations.

  • So, for example, if you went on a job interview, you filled in an application to go to college.

  • That's a little confidence challenging, isn't it?

  • How about doing a presentation?

  • Do you know more people would rather die than do this now?

  • Other people, of course, take our confidence as well.

  • Unfortunately, they take it from us because they want it for themselves.

  • Somebody was cocky, bitchy, condescending, one upper one down or name droppers.

  • I have a very long list, and they're villains because they want to take confidence from other people on the playground.

  • We call them what police.

  • Unfortunately, sometimes they get promoted to bosses too, huh?

  • And we do it to ourselves.

  • We take confidence from ourselves.

  • We self sabotage all the time.

  • Facebook, right?

  • We're looking and we're going on me and they're doing something so much cooler than I, um, called fear of missing out foam.

  • Oh, how about Imposter syndrome?

  • Please don't tell them I'm not that good.

  • Please don't let them know we don't even apply for the job half the time because we can't get over our imposter syndrome.

  • Now these villains have something in common.

  • They throw this emotional fear at us that armadillos and there's three types of fear that really rock the amygdala.

  • One of the fear of failure to is fear of regret.

  • And the last one is fear of rejection.

  • And so when our mentalist senses incoming, I'm about to be hurt.

  • The McCulloch has to make a decision at that moment.

  • Is it going to send that warning down into the brainstem?

  • Were you act a little bit like, uh, cave man?

  • Aggressive, defensive shy, protecting yourself survival mode war.

  • Can I send it into the prefrontal cortex where I can think about it?

  • Irrational, calm, cool, confident.

  • Now villains have been around forever, and you certainly can either avoid them or learn how to deal, deal with, um, to some extent.

  • But there's something new in our environment that is kicking our confidence like nothing before, and I'm talking about this kryptonite I call over.

  • Choice over choice over choice means you have so many choices that your brain can't process it.

  • Now.

  • Google says 35,000 choices a day.

  • The average person makes The problem isn't in modern day is not that we make more choices.

  • It's that we have more options for each choice when I grew up.

  • Yes, it was after the cave Men five salad dressing.

  • That's all we had.

  • My husband doesn't let me go to the supermarket anymore because this is me in the salad dressing aisle.

  • We also only had five TV channels on a good day.

  • Now there's so many channels, I have five remotes.

  • It's not even worth trying to think about which one to use.

  • Yeah, but over choice causes something that's very real.

  • It's called decision fatigue.

  • At the end of the day, if you've ever got home and you haven't even worked out, you haven't broken a sweat and you're exhausted.

  • It's got your brains out of cycles.

  • You are spent.

  • You are so tired you can't make a decision, let alone a good one or confident way.

  • And I do believe This is a new crisis that we're facing.

  • We have the highest levels of employees disengagement, highest level of suicide and depression because our brains are so tired.

  • In fact, I think our brains are going backwards.

  • We are de evolving.

  • We are regressing.

  • We're changing back into cavemen.

  • But I do know there is something that we can d'oh.

  • Because if there's one choice that you can make that you should make, the only one that really matters is to be confident.

  • And you know what?

  • If you do that on a regular basis, you consciously make that choice.

  • You do something that's amazing.

  • It's my favorite word of all times called neural plasticity.

  • And what it means is that you can change your brain when you consciously make the decision to be confident.

  • You build that neural pathway and you strengthen it, and over time it's just there and it's strong.

  • So how are we going to do it?

  • Well, I have lots of tips, but my favorite one that I want to leave with you today is this because if you want to get more confidence, the quickest and easiest way to do it is to give it away.

  • Give it to somebody else because it flashes right back at you.

  • Tell them that they matter.

  • Tell them that you appreciate them.

  • Tell them they belong because the world needs more conference crusaders.

  • Desperately.

  • And you all have that superpower.

  • My hope is you'll choose to use yours.

  • Thank you.

60 years.

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Confidence is a Choice: Real Science. Superhero Impact. | Alyssa Dver | TEDxBryantU

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/04/04
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