Placeholder Image

Subtitles section Play video

  • What iss a good mom.

  • This was the question that I started asking myself the day I found out that I was pregnant.

  • I had just finished an MBA from a Top 10 business school that year, got married the month after and started in a leadership role in Silicon Valley.

  • So getting pregnant was not quite the conventional start to accelerate a career path that I had worked so hard for.

  • But I was that ambitious overachiever.

  • I felt confident about embarking on motherhood.

  • Having been a management consultant, I'm used to juggling multiple things out with once and under pressure.

  • I was also mentally preparing myself for the potential paying.

  • So I'm I encounter and birthing breastfeeding, right?

  • But I've done the marathons in the Iron Man's.

  • I mean, aside from this, we're need for self torture.

  • It also means that I have a really high tolerance for pain.

  • I also fell resourceful to stay an age.

  • We've got tons of baby books on the market and thank God for the Internet, right?

  • I can always look up anything I didn't know.

  • So let me just pause here and cringe per minute now standing in front of you as a mom of three, the creator of award winning of emotional intelligence games for families and a Harvard trained researcher.

  • I cringe because of my naive oversimplification of motherhood.

  • So you know this.

  • I'm not gonna turn out as I thought.

  • So I did not realize that the minute you become a parent, as the men of that, you get strapped onto this emotional roller coaster that you just can't seem to get off.

  • My confidence quickly dwindled into delts and overwhelm Del Foe will ever be able to push out this night pound baby, when I'm already on the 40th hour of my labor after Tyler are not so little bundle of joy was born.

  • I very quickly learned something that no one no one has told me about.

  • Babies are like magnifying glasses, and when you introduce a baby into a family, a marriage, you're essentially shining down this big old magnifying glass.

  • Amplifying all of the personality differences and flaws between you air significant other.

  • When Tyler was about a couple of months old, he was embarking in the cooling face.

  • You know, it's like when babies start to make the vowel sounds the oohs and the ahhs, and I was absolutely mesmerized.

  • I would just stare into his crib and gently Qiu back and forth at him.

  • And very quickly I realized that my partner over there spoke no coup language that he didn't know clueing whatsoever.

  • And so you.

  • So you have to remember so much by trade.

  • I'm an executive coach, So I'm like, Okay, this is gonna take some time for be here.

  • Behavior change, right?

  • I'm gonna drop some hands.

  • Frankel's and hands ask some rhetorical questions.

  • And you some nice role modeling.

  • Couple weeks pass by That cooing milestone never came and feeling so people and frustrated I finally screamed at him going, What's wrong with you?

  • Can't you talk to the baby?

  • And it was at that moment I have this Al Abadi experience where my old self was watching over the new self that was becoming and I just remember thinking Holy shit, I just screamed at a grown ass man for not cooing at this baby that doesn't even know howto talk.

  • I mean, like, what is wrong with me?

  • Is this normal?

  • And these two questions we'll be there come the questions that I would ask myself over and over again, especially during times when I felt so an adequate and lost.

  • And by the way, what do I do when I'm lost?

  • I consult the Internet, so I will look up things like.

  • Okay, so what is a good mom?

  • Do you tell me about it?

  • And out of all the images and articles, even books that I read, if I could sum it up with one word, What do you think that ISS and it is this word selfless, a good mom.

  • It's someone who is selfless, who praises the needs of her child and her significant other before her own needs.

  • Right?

  • And it's no wonder that Mother is spelled Ma and what's other word other right?

  • And you know what else?

  • It's really interesting.

  • It's not my explicitly stated, but I certainly got it as a takeaway, a good mom, a selfless mom.

  • As someone who loves her child, who loves being mom.

  • She has kind, patient and caring right, Except my emotions are just a little bit more complicated than that that, you know, I kind of have a confession to make.

  • I sometimes don't really like my Children, Um, because They kind of make me feel embarrassed.

  • Peed, Um sad, annoying.

  • And just down, right?

  • Tough.

  • Eat it.

  • I mean, maybe I'm just not a natural mom material.

  • Am I even a good enough mom?

  • And so this would become my source of insecurity.

  • And I would ask that question in a measuring against what is the selfless mom, right?

  • And in striving to be the selfless mom, remember, the implements in my head quickly faded.

  • My optimism for that work life arrangement disappeared and very quickly, a transition from a working mom to a part time mom to work from home Mom into a stay at home.

  • And I want to clarify something.

  • Having done sort of the tours of all sites of work life arrangements, right.

  • The grass, my friends, is not greener on the other side and back.

  • It's exactly the same shade and that we're all strapped again on this emotional roller coaster that seems to psycho on Bob's Do the tunnels of guilt, Shang, self brain and, um, self blame every segment.

  • And, you know, when I was a working mom, I constantly battled with the mommy guilt, right?

  • The mommy guilt of Am I putting my career before my child.

  • But yet I felt this huge sense of obligation that I needed to show the world right to play the way for women that we can rock it up, work that weekend rocket at home.

  • But the honest reality is that with the work life arrangement set up, it is right now I see hands shake up heads shaking, right.

  • I was downright exhausted, and I was constantly battling with this imposter syndrome wondering, Am I doing a good enough job at work?

  • Am I the right person for the work?

  • Get a my being a good enough wife.

  • A good enough mom at home.

  • And so then I transitioned to a work from home.

  • Mom gets what the judgment followed.

  • I still remember to this day the look on a relative face when she had her that both my partner and I work from home, but yet are Tyler was in 1/2 date.

  • Preschool?

  • Yes.

  • Yes, there are loves s.

  • So she was, like, really baffle.

  • She had this look, you know, she's like, Wait, wait, let me get this.

  • You both work your home during middle of the day, but your child is booted out of the house and being outsourced and care, right?

  • So then, of course, I transition to a stay at home, mom.

  • And let me just tell you, this is one of the hardest jobs I've ever had.

  • Hands down.

  • Right.

  • And yet I felt so ashamed.

  • Toe ask for help.

  • Because after all, it was my choice.

  • And it was a financial luxury.

  • And slowly instead, I became resentful of the people who are like me, who have marginalized the responsibilities of a stay at home mom.

  • And with age of these transitions, I felt like I have lost pieces of myself.

  • Who am I anymore, Right.

  • But I told myself to get rid of these unproductive feelings, to suck it up and to tough it out.

  • And soon we're pregnant again.

  • And you know how I mentioned that I was an overachiever?

  • I was not lying.

  • Well, this time my uterus apparently wanted to go above and beyond and were pregnant with twins.

  • Thank you.

  • Yes, that's amazing.

  • Blessing.

  • But I had such a difficult twin pregnancy.

  • Um, one of our twin had a defective umbilical cord and born via emergency C section at 35 weeks, our twin daughter weighed less than £3 and our son cannot breathe on his own.

  • So you can imagine raising preemies, going through rounds of doctor's appointments and collectively, having three under three, all in diapers wasn't saying yes, but I sort of served as a turning point for me.

  • After yet another belt of feeling so helpless, I realized something.

  • I realized that you know what?

  • I am not normal, that I just don't fit into this normal self with mom mode of, say to two kids and a dog, right?

  • And somehow this gave me the permission to let go toe let go of myself from my own grip of needing to be that self with Mom.

  • And slowly I began to learn to put on the oxygen mask first without feeling guilty, and I began to witness how this has benefited not only myself but also my family.

  • And once the kids are healthy and thriving, I worked up the courage to reinvent my career.

  • And so I decided, I'm gonna repurpose my expertise and people development in the board rooms, two little people development in the classrooms.

  • So I got a job as a school director at a network of monetary schools.

  • And that experience, in turn, inspire me to go back to school myself and learned that science behind a child development.

  • So I did my graduate work at Harvard University and developmental, cognitive, neural science and education.

  • And you know what's really funny?

  • So, interestingly, my years of working in the school's doing research and interviewing families ironically, brought me back.

  • It's almost like serendipitously brought me back to my own struggles as a mom.

  • And what I found in my research is that there is this one differentiating factor between the mom who were genuinely happy and fulfilled, and the moms who were nervous, stressed and lost one differentiating factor.

  • And it is in on how moms to find selfish versus self with.

  • So the moms who are feeling genuinely stressed and nervous define it as a zero sum game.

  • So what it means is that they believe that a good mom is a selfish mom southwest mom who needs to uphold the needs of their Children and others before their needs, and that anything other than that is considered selfish.

  • And certainly, today we have heard it come up a couple of contacts in a very negative weight, right?

  • Selfish equals that and in my interviews, I often hear from these moms.

  • Say something to the effect of my child Is my life.

  • Think about that.

  • My child is my wife.

  • And while this is something that we as a society, admire value and celebrate, what I found is that it quickly becomes a slippery slope.

  • When these self was Mama, Bears began to increasingly judge their sense of self worth by the yardsticks of their Children's happiness and success.

  • And research and psychological biological sciences have found that we human beings feel much happier and healthier when we have a strong sense of control over life.

  • So let me ask you, what happens then?

  • A day after day thes self was Mama Bear's begins continue to give away their sense of self control, their needs and their purpose, right, so two things tend to emerge Two things.

  • The 1st 1 I've found is that Mom's will begin to feel increasingly trapped and helpless by this need to please.

  • Yet these suffer and bitter silence and you know what the irony ists?

  • They feel guilty for feeling this way in the first place.

  • Now the second team is.

  • Will we see a lot in today's modern date?

  • Parenting parents, myself included, are at fault this week overcompensate by gaining more control over Children's daily activities for lives.

  • And honestly, a sure beats getting strapped onto that emotional roller coaster, right?

  • So we become the drivers of that helicopter that hovers over our Children's daily activities, right?

  • Or the lawn mowers that proactively paves?

  • Um, the obstacles, disappointments, their ears and risks that our Children might be confronted with.

  • And this is what I call the selfish, selfless syndrome.

  • And to be fair, it's not only moms, it's really Mom and Dad's parents in general, right?

  • And so and my parent workshops, I often ask parents and think of a simple household task or a school work that you're currently doing for your child.

  • And I ask, Who are you doing this for?

  • Are you perhaps voting your son's Launch me tidying up your daughter's firm so you can feel better by having a movie con old house Or, you know, Are you doing that?

  • Science fair projects with that?

  • You can't look better at school or are you doing this so that your child can truly become independent, compassionate and confident adult one day right now.

  • On the other hand, the moms in my interviews, who appear genuinely happy and fulfilled, seemed tohave found a way to fill up their own cops without pouring out from others.

  • They're not afraid of setting boundaries and expectations for themselves and for others, and they're keenly aware of their strength and weakness.

  • You know what?

  • Instead of dwelling on what they cannot do and feeling ashamed about it, thes moms are not afraid to be seeing as the in perfect moments.

  • They're not afraid to ask for help.

  • And something that I've found quite liberating to me is that thes moms have learned that just because you can do something for your child, your loved ones doesn't necessarily mean that you shouldn't.

  • Instead, they have learned to back off, step aside, toe Lego and toe in power and trust others with the responsibilities, even if it's not done perfectly.

  • Or the outcome the pace.

  • That is not how they would have liked.

  • These are the moms that have inspired me to rewrite the script to motherhood instead of asking Am I a good enough, Mom, the more important question we should be asking is what has my child need and what do I need?

  • And interestingly, in my research, I found that we actually need the same things which are loved, acceptance and respect for exactly who we are at this moment.

  • Right now.

  • Today, instead of the people that we need to become thank you.

What iss a good mom.

Subtitles and vocabulary

B1 INT mom selfless child selfish home work

How to be Self-ish without feeling Selfish | Jenny Woo | TEDxCitrusParkWomen

  • 3 0
    林宜悉   posted on 2020/03/28
Video vocabulary

Go back to previous version