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  • -What a crowd.

  • Thank you so much for being here.

  • Seriously, what's better than sitting next to 300 people

  • during a worldwide pandemic?

  • Am I right? [ Laughter and applause ]

  • Well, last night, President Trump held a press conference

  • to ease fears about the coronavirus.

  • And after he was done,

  • everyone in America breathed a huge sigh of panic.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • The big news is that Trump picked Mike Pence

  • to lead the government's response to the coronavirus.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Trump said he chose Pence

  • because he has a certain talent for this.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • And that talent is always looking like a guy

  • who is holding his breath, apparently.

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • But Pence actually has an interesting plan

  • to fight the coronavirus.

  • He's going to send the virus to a conversion camp

  • where it can pray itself into the common cold.

  • [ Audience ohs ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • I'm not really sure why Pence is handling this instead of Trump.

  • It feels like if Trump and Pence were husband and wife,

  • Trump would hear a strange noise in the house and say,

  • "Mike, go check it out."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I think it's nothing, probably."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • "I'll be in the safe room."

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Actually, the press conference was a little confusing

  • because it seemed like Trump contradicted

  • what the medical experts are saying.

  • Let me show you what I'm talking about.

  • This is real.

  • -As the disease spreads, if it spreads --

  • -It's not so much a question of if this will happen anymore.

  • -We're rapidly developing a vaccine.

  • -We can't rely on a vaccine.

  • -This will end. This will end.

  • -This coronavirus will go well beyond this season

  • into next season.

  • -We have it so well under control.

  • -It's likely that this virus will cause a pandemic.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -But this is helpful.

  • The White House also put out a video with the President's tips

  • to avoid catching the coronavirus.

  • Watch this.

  • -President Trump's tips to avoid the coronavirus.

  • Avoid close contact with other people.

  • Stay away from anyone with a cough.

  • -Let's do that over.

  • He's coughing in the middle of my answer.

  • -Yeah. Okay. -I don't like that, you know?

  • -Your Chief of Staff --

  • -If you're going to cough, please leave the room.

  • -And don't shake hands with anyone who just traveled abroad.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • [ Cheers and applause ]

  • -Smack!

  • Wow!

  • -Paper, scissors, rock.

  • We didn't mess with the audio.

  • That was a real -- that sounded like a "Three Stooges" slap.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Can we see that again, Dave, just the slap?

  • [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -"Why, I ought to --" -Ow. Ow.

  • -Nyuk, nyuk, nyuk!

  • [ Laughter ]

  • -And now experts are warning

  • that if there's a major outbreak,

  • people might not be allowed to gather in large crowds.

  • On the bright side, Tom Steyer can keep having rallies.

  • -Oh. [ Laughter ]

  • -Meanwhile, the CDC has released a beard and mustache guide

  • for which styles work best with a surgical mask.

  • -Oh. -Take a look at this.

  • This is real. Yeah.

  • Can we see that one guy at the bottom?

  • Well, at least Hitler won't have a problem.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Hitler's fine. -He's good.

  • [ Laughter ] What about Hitler?

  • Can he wear a mask? -Oh, yeah, yeah.

  • Some business news -- This isn't good.

  • Today JCPenney announced

  • they're closing more stores due to poor sales.

  • So if a friend gave you a JCPenney gift card,

  • one, spend it now.

  • And, two, get rid of that friend.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Seriously, I'm not saying JCPenney is in rough shape,

  • but even the coronavirus won't go in there.

  • Oh, come on. Hey! [ Laughter ]

  • -Come on. [ Laughter and applause ]

  • -Hey, guys, I read about a woman who took 550 times

  • the normal dose of LSD and claims the foot pain

  • that she's had for almost 30 years went away.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Then again, that's only because she chewed off her foot.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • 550 of the normal -- What is the normal --

  • -I guess one? -Yeah, I guess.

  • [ Laughter ]

  • Probably none, right? -Yeah, sure. Half a --

  • -Finally, this isn't good.

  • Wildlife officials in Tennessee discovered a bald eagle

  • that had eaten so much it was too full to fly.

  • And never before has there been a greater symbol of America.

  • We have a great show, everybody.

-What a crowd.

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President Trump's Tips to Avoid Coronavirus

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    林宜悉 posted on 2020/03/26
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