Subtitles section Play video
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-Let's get to some news.
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President Trump's Senate impeachment trial
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kicked off yesterday.
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Began at 1:00 p.m. and lasted 13 hours. Ooh.
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And out of habit, once the trial lasted
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more than four hours, every old Senator panicked
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and called their doctor. [ Laughter ]
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During the marathon first day, several Senators
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were actually caught sleeping, including Mitch McConnell.
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Even more upsetting, when Mitch McConnell falls asleep,
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he doesn't close his eyes like you and me.
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His head just slowly retreats into his neck.
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[ Laughter and applause ]
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And it wasn't just Mitch McConnell.
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A couple of other Senators also fell asleep.
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Meanwhile, Adam Schiff looked like he spent the night
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dropping Adderall into his Four Loko.
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[ Laughter ]
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Yesterday, a few Senators stepped away from the hearing
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and gave interviews in the hallway,
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which brings us to a new segment called
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"Ted Cruz, please stop saying that."
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♪♪
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-You know, there's an old saying that if you have the facts,
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you bang the facts.
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If you have the law, you bang the law.
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If you don't have either, you bang the table.
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Well, this afternoon, we've seen a whole lot of table-banging.
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[ Laughter ]
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-Oh.
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[ Applause ]
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Oh.
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-Meanwhile, before leaving a big economic conference
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in Switzerland today, Trump sat down for an interview
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with CNBC and was asked for his thoughts on Elon Musk.
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Check it out.
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-Do you have comments on Elon Musk?
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-Well, you have to give him credit.
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I spoke to him very recently.
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And he's also doing the rockets. He likes rockets.
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And he does good at rockets, too, by the way.
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[ Laughter ]
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-Sounds like a little kid describing Buzz Lightyear.
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[ Laughter ]
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"He does -- He does good with the rockets.
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He does -- He does good by the rockets."
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[ Laughter ]
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Trump then talked about needing to protect geniuses
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like Elon Musk.
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-And I was worried about him because he's one of
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our great geniuses, and we have to protect our genius.
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You know, we have to protect Thomas Edison.
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We have to protect all of these people that came up with,
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originally, the light bulb and the wheel
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and all of these things.
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[ Laughter ]
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-We've all had those moments when you start talking
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and realize you're making no sense but there's no way out.
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You know? We've all been there.
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"I love genius inventors, Elon Musk and Thomas Edison,
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George Foreman. He's good."
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[ Laughter ]
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"The Flex Tape guy." -"The Slap Chop.
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All of these." -"Slap Chop."
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[ Laughing ]
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-"ShamWow. These guys are good."
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[ Laughter ]
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-We have to protect these geniuses.
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Put them in a Plexiglas.
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-"Just give me --" [ Laughter ]
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-"Put them in a bird cage." -"You know."
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-"Put all of the geniuses in a bird cage and protect them."
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-"Everything bagel spice." -Stop talking.
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[ Laughter ] -"People are geniuses."
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-"You can put everything bagel spice on anything,
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it tastes better. It really does, It really does.
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It's an amazing thing."
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This is interesting. I read that Princess Cruises
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just set sail on a 111-day around-the-world cruise.
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Yeah, 111-day cruise.
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They actually came up with some names
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for what to call the cruise, and we have some of them
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for you right here.
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First, there's Four Months of Hell.
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Then there's, Like That One Scene in "Bridesmaids"
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But For 111 Days."
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[ Laughter ]
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And finally, there's, Where Honeymooners Disappear
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on Day 50 on an All New "Dateline."
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[ Laughter and applause ]
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111 days? Too long.
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Finally this week, there was an attempt
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to break the record for largest gathering of twins,
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and over 14,000 pairs of twins showed up.
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Asked how they'd describe the event,
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organizers said, "Creepy. Really creepy."
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Guys, we have a great show!