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  • - [Announcer] Every quarantine ever.

  • - Day one of quarantine.

  • We've been relaxing and watching movies.

  • - It's really not bad.

  • - I'm excited to spend more quality time with you.

  • - Me too, baby.

  • (farting)

  • Did you just fart?

  • - No, I sharted.

  • - That's disgusting.

  • Are you gonna change?

  • - No, quarantine life.

  • - That's gross.

  • - Deuces.

  • Arf!

  • Was that too much?

  • - Yeah.

  • - Sorry.

  • I want a divorce.

  • - What, we're not even married.

  • - I'm leaving.

  • - Where are you going?

  • - To the kitchen.

  • Do you even care that I'm leaving?

  • (farting)

  • - Did you just fart again?

  • - Yeah, I did.

  • - [Announcer] I'm recording this from my closet.

  • - Worked out.

  • - [Announcer] Who needs toilet paper

  • when you've got a perfectly good thumb?

  • - Just do it.

  • Just say it.

  • I know you can do it.

  • I'm not even gonna tell anybody if you do.

  • Just say, "Papa, I love you."

  • Please, I need this.

  • - [Announcer] Every forever alone ever.

  • - Sweet, I'm gonna use these next few weeks

  • to perfect my Australian accent.

  • Oh, that's a lamp right there, lampy.

  • Plant.

  • Pillows.

  • Oh, it's a couple of dumb-a-roos right there.

  • Dumb-a-loo, dumbos.

  • Oh, that's a tella.

  • Look at this, this is a nice 40-inch tella right there.

  • Oh, I've got a little Nintendo.

  • Toilet paper, boot,

  • sneaky Daniel, sneak-a-roo, silent boot,

  • gator, Cameron Diaz,

  • tith breesh, tooth breesh, taith breash, brish be.

  • Oh, that's a tah bah tha rah tha eeh toh bah thee.

  • Wow, I think I finally perfected it.

  • - [Announcer] Okay, we need to ration food.

  • We all get one almond.

  • - [TV] Congratulations.

  • You have successfully watched everything on Netflix.

  • - Oh, okay.

  • - [TV] Because you were the first to do so,

  • you have been dubbed the King of Netflix.

  • - Oh, sick.

  • - [TV] As King, it is your right

  • to create your very own Netflix show.

  • - Yeah, I'll take that.

  • - [TV] Anything you want, and we have to make it.

  • The world is yours.

  • You are a big TV exec.

  • Now, tell us your idea.

  • - Um, okay, yes, I do have something.

  • Okay, so it's like Stranger Things,

  • but they've all got really big butts.

  • - [TV] Whenever you're ready.

  • - Stranger Things but with big butts.

  • - [TV] We're ready to hear your idea now.

  • - Are you not ... Stranger Things with big butts.

  • Stranger Things with big butts.

  • Stranger Things with big butts.

  • Are you ... This could be huge, Netflix,

  • and so could the butts.

  • Big butts equals big bucks.

  • Let's get it did.

  • - [Announcer] I already practice social distancing.

  • (crying)

  • - [TV] And our top news story today, cute little puppies--

  • (phone ringing)

  • - Hello?

  • - Hi there, Karen.

  • This is Harry calling from your credit card institution.

  • - Uh-huh.

  • - Yeah, we're noticing some strange activity

  • on one of your accounts,

  • and we're gonna need your credit card information

  • and social security number to rectify the situation.

  • - No, I'm sorry, I'm a little too smart

  • to fall for a credit card scam, Harry.

  • - God dang it, you got me.

  • Well, have a nice day.

  • - Wait, don't hang up.

  • - Uh, why?

  • - I don't know, do you want to talk or something?

  • - Well, what would you want to talk about?

  • - I don't care.

  • It's just kind of nice to talk to someone.

  • Please?

  • - Well, you know, I think I can chat

  • if you gave me your social security number.

  • - Ugh, fine, but you better be interesting.

  • - Well, I steal identities for a living so,

  • I mean, I think I'm pretty interesting.

  • - So how much toilet paper do you have?

  • - [Announcer] Wash your hands.

  • - Ah, screw it.

  • Yeah.

  • Woo, hoo, hoo.

  • Shower time, shower time.

  • Woo, hoo, hoo, hoo, shower time.

  • Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo.

  • No.

  • I don't need to look at my phone.

  • Aw, heck.

  • I wish I knew how to quit you.

  • - [Announcer] So bored.

  • - I miss you so much right now, baby.

  • I wish I could just hold you.

  • - Oh, me too.

  • - Hey, do you wanna maybe, like,

  • get sexy?

  • - Oh, my god, Cody.

  • Like cyber sex?

  • - Yeah, I mean, I don't know,

  • just if you want to.

  • - I don't know.

  • - Please, for me, for Cody?

  • - Well, I mean, normally I'd say no.

  • But given the circumstances

  • and you do look really hot right now.

  • - Wait, for real?

  • Oh, awesome, let's do this.

  • - Cody, I'm so bored.

  • Hang out with me.

  • - Sean, I'm kind of busy.

  • Get out, dude.

  • - No, wait, Sean, stay.

  • - Babe?

  • - Do stuff to each other.

  • It'll be, like, hot.

  • - Uh, I don't know. - I'm so down.

  • - Please?

  • For me?

  • For Molly?

  • - Okay, I guess, given the circumstances.

  • - [Announcer] I'm not losing my mind.

  • What's that, Smeagol?

  • - [Dog] Another day that mother must spend at home with me,

  • providing me with walks, treats,

  • and the all-powerful belly rub.

  • The virus is working.

  • Do I feel bad for what I've created?

  • No, I feel happy

  • because mother is home.

  • I should have set this is motion years ago.

  • - [Announcer] Well, I had to fight an old lady,

  • but I got this can of beans.

  • - Oh, screw it.

  • You call that a workout?

  • Pathetic.

  • Who are you?

  • I'm your physical insecurities.

  • And if you thought a global pandemic

  • was gonna slow me down, think again, muchacho.

  • Come on, man.

  • we're stuck in the apartment for the next month.

  • Maybe this is the perfect opportunity

  • to just relax and take a break.

  • The only break you're gonna get is your bones

  • when I break your bones.

  • All right.

  • Now, get back to work.

  • Oh, man.

  • - [Announcer] As a seasoned introvert,

  • I have prepared for this moment all my life.

  • - Well I think we have found our Mercutio,

  • which makes you Tybalt.

  • Oh, don't sulk.

  • Don't sulk.

  • Tybalt is Prince of Cats.

  • - [Announcer] All right, games I can play by myself.

  • Marco Polo, wait, no.

  • Hide and seek, wait, no.

  • - Hey, babe, just got back from the grocery store.

  • And guess what.

  • I managed to score an old bag of rice.

  • Suckers.

  • They didn't see this in the back.

  • Oh, god.

  • This tastes disgusting.

  • Who would buy this?

  • - [Announcer] Don't go outside.

  • - Oh, what if I do like ...

  • Well, what else am I gonna do today?

  • Brutal.

  • When did I get all this lipstick?

  • That's pretty.

  • Who is she?

  • She's gonna ... She's like

  • James Bond's girlfriend or something.

  • Oh, that's the spice.

  • Oh, ah.

  • Let's do, like, the Kylie Jenner.

  • You look like the sexy fish from "Shark Tale".

  • Oh, what have you been doing all your life, Courtney?

  • May as well.

  • Wait, I'm gonna gloss it.

  • I look like Miranda Sings.

  • Damn it.

  • Who are you going to be?

  • - [Announcer] Xbox Live is down.

  • What do I do?

  • - This has been so hard.

  • I mean, I've already read all of my books.

  • I've rearranged my apartment twice.

  • And I've done 60 thousand push-ups.

  • I'm so bored, I'm going crazy.

  • - Yep, me too, super bored.

  • - I know, right?

  • - Wish I had something to do.

  • - So tough.

  • - [Announcer] Oh, thank god Animal Crossing's out.

  • - Hey, you guys.

  • Last day of quarantine.

  • How'd you do?

  • - Great.

  • I learned how to play guitar.

  • - Oh, that's awesome.

  • I myself learned a little bit of Spanish.

  • Or should I say, "Apprende algo de espanol."

  • - Courtney, what did you do?

  • - I spent most of my time on TikTok.

  • - Oh, that's--

  • - But I finally learned the Renegade.

  • - Cool. - That's cool.

  • Yeah.

  • - It's really cool that you can do that.

  • - Cool, yeah, that's cool.

  • - It's really cool.

  • - [Announcer] Six feet of distance.

  • - I'm gonna spend the quarantine

  • getting into a new genre of literature.

  • I got into some really weird porn.

  • - [Announcer] Oh, hey, maybe now

  • I can finally start Big Bang Theory.

  • Just kidding, I'm never gonna do it.

  • - Now your turn.

  • Yes, good, again, like I've trained you.

  • - [Announcer] The American government

  • knew about it in January and did nothing.

  • - I am so glad that you guys

  • were all able to make it for my birthday dinner.

  • I mean, I know we're not supposed to be hanging out.