Subtitles section Play video Print subtitles - [Announcer] Every quarantine ever. - Day one of quarantine. We've been relaxing and watching movies. - It's really not bad. - I'm excited to spend more quality time with you. - Me too, baby. (farting) Did you just fart? - No, I sharted. - That's disgusting. Are you gonna change? - No, quarantine life. - That's gross. - Deuces. Arf! Was that too much? - Yeah. - Sorry. I want a divorce. - What, we're not even married. - I'm leaving. - Where are you going? - To the kitchen. Do you even care that I'm leaving? (farting) - Did you just fart again? - Yeah, I did. - [Announcer] I'm recording this from my closet. - Worked out. - [Announcer] Who needs toilet paper when you've got a perfectly good thumb? - Just do it. Just say it. I know you can do it. I'm not even gonna tell anybody if you do. Just say, "Papa, I love you." Please, I need this. - [Announcer] Every forever alone ever. - Sweet, I'm gonna use these next few weeks to perfect my Australian accent. Oh, that's a lamp right there, lampy. Plant. Pillows. Oh, it's a couple of dumb-a-roos right there. Dumb-a-loo, dumbos. Oh, that's a tella. Look at this, this is a nice 40-inch tella right there. Oh, I've got a little Nintendo. Toilet paper, boot, sneaky Daniel, sneak-a-roo, silent boot, gator, Cameron Diaz, tith breesh, tooth breesh, taith breash, brish be. Oh, that's a tah bah tha rah tha eeh toh bah thee. Wow, I think I finally perfected it. - [Announcer] Okay, we need to ration food. We all get one almond. - [TV] Congratulations. You have successfully watched everything on Netflix. - Oh, okay. - [TV] Because you were the first to do so, you have been dubbed the King of Netflix. - Oh, sick. - [TV] As King, it is your right to create your very own Netflix show. - Yeah, I'll take that. - [TV] Anything you want, and we have to make it. The world is yours. You are a big TV exec. Now, tell us your idea. - Um, okay, yes, I do have something. Okay, so it's like Stranger Things, but they've all got really big butts. - [TV] Whenever you're ready. - Stranger Things but with big butts. - [TV] We're ready to hear your idea now. - Are you not ... Stranger Things with big butts. Stranger Things with big butts. Stranger Things with big butts. Are you ... This could be huge, Netflix, and so could the butts. Big butts equals big bucks. Let's get it did. - [Announcer] I already practice social distancing. (crying) - [TV] And our top news story today, cute little puppies-- (phone ringing) - Hello? - Hi there, Karen. This is Harry calling from your credit card institution. - Uh-huh. - Yeah, we're noticing some strange activity on one of your accounts, and we're gonna need your credit card information and social security number to rectify the situation. - No, I'm sorry, I'm a little too smart to fall for a credit card scam, Harry. - God dang it, you got me. Well, have a nice day. - Wait, don't hang up. - Uh, why? - I don't know, do you want to talk or something? - Well, what would you want to talk about? - I don't care. It's just kind of nice to talk to someone. Please? - Well, you know, I think I can chat if you gave me your social security number. - Ugh, fine, but you better be interesting. - Well, I steal identities for a living so, I mean, I think I'm pretty interesting. - So how much toilet paper do you have? - [Announcer] Wash your hands. - Ah, screw it. Yeah. Woo, hoo, hoo. Shower time, shower time. Woo, hoo, hoo, hoo, shower time. Doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo, doo. No. I don't need to look at my phone. Aw, heck. I wish I knew how to quit you. - [Announcer] So bored. - I miss you so much right now, baby. I wish I could just hold you. - Oh, me too. - Hey, do you wanna maybe, like, get sexy? - Oh, my god, Cody. Like cyber sex? - Yeah, I mean, I don't know, just if you want to. - I don't know. - Please, for me, for Cody? - Well, I mean, normally I'd say no. But given the circumstances and you do look really hot right now. - Wait, for real? Oh, awesome, let's do this. - Cody, I'm so bored. Hang out with me. - Sean, I'm kind of busy. Get out, dude. - No, wait, Sean, stay. - Babe? - Do stuff to each other. It'll be, like, hot. - Uh, I don't know. - I'm so down. - Please? For me? For Molly? - Okay, I guess, given the circumstances. - [Announcer] I'm not losing my mind. What's that, Smeagol? - [Dog] Another day that mother must spend at home with me, providing me with walks, treats, and the all-powerful belly rub. The virus is working. Do I feel bad for what I've created? No, I feel happy because mother is home. I should have set this is motion years ago. - [Announcer] Well, I had to fight an old lady, but I got this can of beans. - Oh, screw it. You call that a workout? Pathetic. Who are you? I'm your physical insecurities. And if you thought a global pandemic was gonna slow me down, think again, muchacho. Come on, man. we're stuck in the apartment for the next month. Maybe this is the perfect opportunity to just relax and take a break. The only break you're gonna get is your bones when I break your bones. All right. Now, get back to work. Oh, man. - [Announcer] As a seasoned introvert, I have prepared for this moment all my life. - Well I think we have found our Mercutio, which makes you Tybalt. Oh, don't sulk. Don't sulk. Tybalt is Prince of Cats. - [Announcer] All right, games I can play by myself. Marco Polo, wait, no. Hide and seek, wait, no. - Hey, babe, just got back from the grocery store. And guess what. I managed to score an old bag of rice. Suckers. They didn't see this in the back. Oh, god. This tastes disgusting. Who would buy this? - [Announcer] Don't go outside. - Oh, what if I do like ... Well, what else am I gonna do today? Brutal. When did I get all this lipstick? That's pretty. Who is she? She's gonna ... She's like James Bond's girlfriend or something. Oh, that's the spice. Oh, ah. Let's do, like, the Kylie Jenner. You look like the sexy fish from "Shark Tale". Oh, what have you been doing all your life, Courtney? May as well. Wait, I'm gonna gloss it. I look like Miranda Sings. Damn it. Who are you going to be? - [Announcer] Xbox Live is down. What do I do? - This has been so hard. I mean, I've already read all of my books. I've rearranged my apartment twice. And I've done 60 thousand push-ups. I'm so bored, I'm going crazy. - Yep, me too, super bored. - I know, right? - Wish I had something to do. - So tough. - [Announcer] Oh, thank god Animal Crossing's out. - Hey, you guys. Last day of quarantine. How'd you do? - Great. I learned how to play guitar. - Oh, that's awesome. I myself learned a little bit of Spanish. Or should I say, "Apprende algo de espanol." - Courtney, what did you do? - I spent most of my time on TikTok. - Oh, that's-- - But I finally learned the Renegade. - Cool. - That's cool. Yeah. - It's really cool that you can do that. - Cool, yeah, that's cool. - It's really cool. - [Announcer] Six feet of distance. - I'm gonna spend the quarantine getting into a new genre of literature. I got into some really weird porn. - [Announcer] Oh, hey, maybe now I can finally start Big Bang Theory. Just kidding, I'm never gonna do it. - Now your turn. Yes, good, again, like I've trained you. - [Announcer] The American government knew about it in January and did nothing. - I am so glad that you guys were all able to make it for my birthday dinner. I mean, I know we're not supposed to be hanging out.